One step forward two steps back

So this week has been rough. Gage was very difficult at daycare. He had several tantrums. He had one today. I got a call from the director saying I needed to pick him up. What is a parent supposed to do? Don't two year olds have temper tantrums?! I understand where they are coming from.  I just wish I knew how to make it better. Gage does have some tantrums but at home with us we are able to manage them. They are mostly because he can't quite communicate what he wants.

I am so frustrated and just want to scream! Giving up is not an option! When did this nation become some self centered. It seems it is all about self preservation. I miss when people actually looked out for one another. I'm so afraid to see what it's going to look like in 20 years.

I wish more than anything right now I could stay home with Gage and Jillian, but that is just not an option. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to send him to daycare where they are ill equipped to deal with him and I don't think they want him back. I wish I had the solution. I don't think I will be coming into a small fortune anytime.

I just want to make it better for Gage. I know those tantrums are his way of trying to communicate even though it is less than effective. I watched him play tonight. He is such a wonderful and sweet child. I love the way he looks at me or comes up on the couch to snuggle. His giggles and words are the best sounds in the world. I love it when he helps Jillian by bringing her her binkie. He is perfect.

I have to trust that there is a reason for everything. I don't have to like it. The sun always comes out after the rain.

Until next time...

When did I grow up?

In attempting to de-clutter my life I was going through the boxes I have in the garage. I found some old CDs that I had burned while in college. I decided this morning it would be a good idea to listen to one if them. Afterward I wasn't so sure that was such a good decision (at least not on my way to work). Open flood gates. It's amazing how music holds so many memories for me. I forgot how much I really love it. I really connect through music. Gage seems to enjoy music just as much. It must be my dad coming through. College seems like an eternity ago but I remember it like yesterday. And when I put that CD on it took me right back to that moment in time.

Today was a rough day for Gage at daycare. I'm not quite sure why. It is so frustrating for me to have to drop him off everyday. I wish I could just stay at home and still be able to do my job. I guess in a perfect world. I was talking with David tonight dreaming about hitting Powerball. I swear if that .should ever happen I would immediately open a foundation of some sort to assist families with children that have any type of special needs. A parent should not feel like they are helpless. Obama should take that on. There are bigger fish than healthcare. I bet if one of his kids had an issue he would be taking that on and fighting for changes.

Our children are the future...the next generation of this country. I feel like so much has changed since I was a kid. Things are just different and I know that technology has a lot to do with it but I think just how we raise and parent our children has changed. Children are not in charge but somehow that has happened. Somewhere along the line we gave them that role. My children will not have everything they want. They will have to earn things. Everything in moderation right? I will never understand taking everything to the extreme.

I guess I have rambled enough tonight but I find that this is extremely therapeutic for me (that's the therapist in me).

Until next time...

Decisions

I am a bit delayed in writing about the memorial for Jill. I think I was trying to absorb it all. It was nothing short of amazing. Friday night we (Kelli, Jessica, Shippy, and I) paid tribute to Jill in her her own Ash-n-Dash. She would have been so proud. Thanks to the ladies at the Tri-Delta house for watching little Jillian so mommy could play.  Saturday was beautiful. Jill was an amazing person. We had a balloon launch of black and gold balloons. It was pretty cool. I was so happy to reconnect with so many people.

I have realized so much recently. And I wonder why it took such an event to open my eyes. No longer will I make any excuses. Fear will no longer be the reason why I don't do something. Jill never let fear consume her (even if she felt it). I will embrace the feeling and run with it. I am sure it can fuel me just as well as hinder me.

I know this to be true:
1. Life is short so embrace it.
2. Jill may not be here physically but she is with me everyday.
3. Fear will not live with me any longer.

I want Gage and Jillian to grow up confident adults. I don't want them to think they can't do something. Failure is a part of life. It's how we get back up that defines us. In today's society we need to allow our children the opportunity to fail. How else will they learn. I am not the perfect parent. I mean how else can I teach my kids about picking up the pieces. Life is about the journey and the waves we make along the way.

Thank you Jill for being a part of my life and showing me all that it has to offer. You will never know the full impact you had on this Earth. My life will never be the same. Thanks for the waves...keep sending them to me.

Until next time....

Signs

I am just jumping right in today. It's been a crazy couple of weeks. I don't want to seem like I am complaining because I am not. I just wonder when I will get a break. Today I would have given anything to be a stay at home mommy for no other reason but to be with my children and help Gage. (I really need to win the lottery but that is another topic for a different day).

Let me start with work today...Thursdays are usually a day full of meetings for me. I started with my morning meeting as usual. At this meeting there is usually a video of some sort shown. Today it was about Richie Parker. This guy was born with no arms. Just watch the video. I wouldn't do it any justice trying to explain it. Well with everything going on in my home right now with Gage, it totally hit home.  Then I go to my office where I have another meeting with all the managers. Just like the first meeting, we generally watch a video of some sort. Today it was Kathryn Schulz talking about being wrong. I know the video is a bit long but take the opportunity to watch it. It took all my power to not completely lose it at work.

 OK I GET IT!!!!!!!! I just need a break. I totally felt like Jill was with me all day while all this was going on. I know what the message is. I am just not sure I am able to fully accept it without further evaluation. I have to remember that the things we can not change end up changing us. I know I am being presented with this path for a reason. I need to stop fighting it and open myself up to it. I am still going to have him fully evaluated by a neurologist and I also think I am going to get a Sensory Evaluation. I just want to make sure there is no other possible reason.

When I got home, it was time to get ready for the weekend. I am headed to Orlando tomorrow for Jill's Memorial at UCF. I know it is going to be good. I am just afraid that all the strength I have had in the last month is not quite there. I think this is going to be one big giant cry fest for me. I am ok with that. I think I haven't allowed myself to grieve fully. I have so much swirling around my head right now.

I know that I am not the only person to have shit (for lack of a better word) happen to me. I know it makes me who I am. I am trying to look at these situations differently. I am not perfect...I am human...I am a mom and I only want what is best for my children.

It's late and I could ramble on for hours about the same thing so I will stop now.

Until next time....

A Walk Down Memory Lane

On Friday, I went UCF and visited the Tri Delta house. I hadn't been back since I graduated in 1998. I was meeting with the Chapter president about some details for Jill's memorial. It was surreal being there at first. Although the house has been remodeled it was still the same. I could see rush and all the shenanigans that went on while I was living there. I could also feel Jill. I realized that although it's been a long time since "coming home", it never really changes.

I sat and chatted with the Chapter President for a while. I am thankful that she listened to all my old stories. I wanted to try to give her a glimpse into who Jill was. I am not sure that I really could give her that in the little time we had. But she listened and they have come up with a wonderful banner to honor Jill next weekend. I can't wait to see it hanging in front of the Tri Delta house. Jill would be so honored.

It was interesting talking with Chapter President. Things are so different now. They no longer do any skits for rush :( that totally bummed me out. I talked about all the shenanigans we would get into. She was surprised that some of what I was talking about was true. She thought they were just myths or urban legends. LOL. While the Greek life at UCF has changed quite a bit, I realized that the sisterhood is still the same and always will be. While we all join a Greek organization for different reasons, we stay for one....SISTERHOOD! It isn't just for four years, it is forever. Sometimes life might get in the way but we will always be there for each other. Thank you Beta Lambda for all the memories.

Until next time...

Celebrating!

I think the greatest sound is hearing Gage try to say words. He has been trying more and more. Usually only myself or David can understand him. His favorite word is "cars". Today while driving him to daycare he said "purple"! He was holding a purple car. It was clear as day! PURPLE! I wanted to cry. I was so happy. I asked him to say it over and over.

There is some relief in seeing him to try to communicate more with words. I've spent the last week really observing him and I see him interacting with us more and making eye contact. I wonder if it is possible that there could be another explanation for his behavior other than Autism.  I know we will soon have answers. In the meantime, I am keeping an observation log of his behaviors from my perspective and from what others tell me as well. I am also seriously considering having a sensory evaluation. I have been really watching him. At times, he will cover his era but not for long and generally there is nothing loud. He also touches things to his lips and not just food. Tonight we had to go buy him bigger shoes because his we're too tight. When I took him into Marshall's, initially he started to cry but he grabbed his car out of his shirt pocket and held it. Then he was fine. I thought maybe there was just too much stimuli in the store. We did not have any behavioral issues at all. I was by myself with both kids.  

Maybe I am just in denial. But I really feel in my heart that I need to explore everything before just putting a label on my son. I want him to have all the best opportunities he can have. If there is no other explanation for his behavior then I can accept that. I just want to make sure.

Until next time...

Grieving

It's funny how life has it's way of teaching you things. I have been going over the last week. I realize that I have been going through the stages of grieving in more than one way. First in coping with Jill's passing and secondly in hearing Gage's diagnosis. I never thought it possible that one could experience more than one or two stages of grief at the same time. Right now I feel like I am experiencing all five of them. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified the five stages as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I think in my heart I have always know that Gage was "different". He didn't do any of the things that "normal" babies do. He never really babbled. He never really responded to my facial cues or expressions. In watching Jillian do things now, I realize how much he didn't do.

I am going to bluntly honest right now and I know that this doesn't make me a bad mom...it makes me human. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am heartbroken, angry, and lost. No parent wants to hear that their child has a disability. Don't get me wrong I love Gage more than anything. He is perfect in my eyes.

I know I have been in denial this past week. I am trying to get to a point where I can accept this. Right now I don't want to. But I had a meeting with Gage's daycare and the reality is he does have difficulties that I don't see. Maybe I don't want to see them. Maybe I see them and I don't want to accept them. I don't know.

This is not a pity party. I am hoping by writing this I can not only help myself process this but maybe I can help another parent who might be going through the same thing. It is hard to even know where to start. Gage will be seeing a neurologist to get a full evaluation. I will do what is best for my child. I know that he will be successful in life. His path will just be a little more difficult. This will only make him a stronger person.

As I write this, I realize that life is amazing. God knows what he is doing and I have to trust that. I am not perfect. I am human and I make mistakes. I only pray that he gives me the wisdom and the strength to help Gage.

Until next time...

Coping

As I sit here, I've been trying to figure out what to write. I've had a rough couple days....not that I am complaining I am alive and relatively healthy. I guess I am just tired and really wish God would give me a time out. I know that he doesn't give us more than we can handle but right now I feel so overwhelmed.

I've been thinking a lot (which for me can be a double edge sword). The other day after Gage's evaluation I picked up the phone to call Jill. I knew she would know what to say. Then I realized she wouldn't answer. She always knew what to say...even if I didn't want to hear it. I respected her opinion. I would give anything right now to hear her tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to put my big girl panties on and advocate for Gage. I know I don't like what is in front of me but it is the path that God has given to me. I can accept that.

My little boy is special this I know as every parent knows that their child is. I wouldn't want him any other way. He just has a different path to walk. Life was not meant to be a straight a narrow path...that's not interesting enough. He will carve out his own way and create a path that is unique like him. I only hope and pray I can guide him along the way.

Until next time....

Labels

So my 2 1/2 year old has been work with Early Steps for the past year. Early Steps is Palm Beach County's early intervention program for developmental delays. Gage was delayed in the area if speech. He has made a lot of improvement but still struggles. I see him trying to communicate more often.  At his first evaluation last October, we were told that he needed to be further evaluated for Autism. Here is where I am going to go off on a tangent.

As an LMHC, I understand what a diagnosis or label means.  I am starting to think that society has forgotten what it is like to be an individual. This goes for so many other things outside of a diagnosis. On sports teams, I have heard of occasions where everyone on all the teams are getting trophies, schools wearing uniforms...those are just a few. What happened to the days where we were able to have our differences. Because a child doesn't act like the "norm" does that men there is something wrong with them. Couldn't there be another explanation?! Why are we so quick to slap a label on people nowadays. I hear all the time "my child has ADHD" or "I'm bipolar". News flash these are not great labels to have.  I feel like people want a label so that they have an excuse a reason to blame their behavior on.

I am in no way undermining the diagnosis or saying that people don't really suffer from these disorders. I am just saying that how can one be diagnosed with something after only seeing someone for a very brief time (1-2 hours). I understand what goes in to gathering the background information. I am just not sure we mental health providers have it right. Shouldn't we be using the least severe diagnosis until there is more diffinitive information. I mean at least see the person or child more than once and in different settings. God made us all unique and we seem to be taking that away from our children.

Ok I think I've said my peace on this for now. I will continue to fight for my child and the services he needs with the least severe diagnosis possible.

Until next time...

Perspective

As I sit here on the floor of my little boy's room waiting for him to fall asleep, I find myself thinking...thinking about Jill and life. I spent the last few weeks reading my blog, reading Jill's blog, looking through boxes for pictures. I want to find anything that I might have that has Jill's mark on it. As I look back on those actions, I realize that I don't need any of those things. Jill will always be here.  She has made it known to me and others that she is here. The day after her passing the Today show had on Barry Manilow and used the Copacabana to introduce him. You see Jill absolutely LOVED the Copa. She had named her car in college Lola the Corolla. She was letting all of us know that she is still here. As I think of stories or explain to people about Brett McSundy, I find myself saying it was just. Jill.  She had this way and one can not explain it. She had nicknames for everyone. She knew what she was doing. I am not sure I will ever be able to call the hospital anything but the "klink". I think we could write a book just on Jill-isms.

Thinking about this gives me some perspective. Life is short. We all know this and we all say this. But do we live this. Jill did. She lived everyday to her fullest. We are all going to die one day this is a fact of life. The only difference will Jill was she knew that it would be sooner than most of us. She made every moment count. So I challenge everyone to not hold on to the past and to look in front of you. There is so much that we miss. It's easy to get caught up in the craziness of life. But we all need to take a moment to BREATHE and get some perspective.

Until next time...

I have been trying to think about what to write for the past week. Life for me has changed so drastically since I started this blog. I spent the last week or so re-reading my blogs and I came to some conclusions.  The main conclusion is that I was SO unhappy. I am not quite sure what about. I think that life teaches us many things. I also think that things happen in your life as it should. We go through things to teach us and if we aren't willing or haven't learned the lesson, then I believe we become "stuck". This is where I think I was back then...STUCK. I believe that my surgery was my turning point. I am in such a different place. I am married with 2 beautiful children. Life is far from perfect but I enjoy every second of it...even when I am frustrated and tired as hell.

Since Jill's passing, I find myself re-evaluating life and the way that I look and live it. God has a plan for all of us and I believe that when we have served our purpose that is when he calls us home. I will never be the same. I know that Jill is still here. I believe that she will always be with me and Jillian. I only hope that I can help Jillian know who Jill was and what she meant to so many people. I will never forget calling her the day Jillian was born to tell her baby girl's name. She cried. She was so honored when really I was the one who was honored. Naming Jillian after her was only a small way of me letting her know what she meant to me. Jillian has some big shoes to fill (and lots of them).

I am not sure I have allowed myself to really grieve Jill's passing. I am not sure she would want me or anyone sitting around crying. I have had my moments. I want not to be sad but to celebrate her time on this earth. I was lucky to have had her in my life. I want to help her legacy live on through me and others. I know that she wanted to write a book and I would love to make that happen.

Until next time....

A Long Time

It's been a long time since I've been active on this blog. In actuality, I forgot about it for some time.  After I moved back to South Florida, Facebook really took off and I stopped blogging. It was a recent event that caused to me find this  site again.

In past blogs, I wrote about Jill. On July 23, Jill passed away. Jill fought a long and hard battle while here on this earth. She had Cystic Fibrosis (CF).  I am not sure she truly understood the impact she had on myself and so many others.  I only hope I can help keep her memory alive. I have struggled over the past week to find the words to describe what I am feeling. However, I don't think there are any words. As a therapist, this is difficult for me. Maybe I should do a sand tray.  I think I am just finding it difficult to even organize my thoughts.

Jill was an amazing person. When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, she took an interest in helping me name her when she found out it was a girl...suggesting I name her after her.  When I was getting close to the end of the pregnancy, I realized that naming my little girl after Jill would be a gift I could give to both Jill and my baby. On January 27, 2013, Jillian was born. I will never forget calling Jill and telling her the baby's name. Little Jillian has some big shoes (and lots of them) to fill.

I am hoping that by returning to this blog I can not only cope with the loss of such a wonderful friend and person but also keep her legacy alive.

Until next time...

3 months

Friday marked my third month post op. My weight was 196. Thats a total of 54 pounds. I am focusing more on my eating. At least what I should be eating. Not having the dumping syndrome has been both a blessing and curse. I am still able to eat stuff that I enjoy however, thats the curse at the same time. Its a double edge sword. I am going to head back to the gym and get some cardio in. That way it will kick start my weight loss. I had been averaging 20 pounds, but this month it was 14 pounds (which is still good). It is just a let down after such rapid weight loss in the beginning. I know it will always be a battle, but it is an easier battle to fight when I have the upper hand. I feel more in control. It definitely makes it easier when you are never hungry and you get full really easy.

Until next time...

Halloween party pics

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Turning 30

After all the hype, turning 30 wasn't that bad. I hear that it is the best time of your life. I will have to let everyone know about that one. I think your 20's are about learning about who you are and what you want in life. Your 30's are about making that happen. Life is an ever evolving process. I have learned so much about myself over the past few years, especially the last few months. I know that every obstacle you have in your life makes you a stronger person. I feel like I have grown so much. I am also very thankful for all the tough times that I have had. I realize that there is always someone out there that is worse off than me (I wish that wasn't true). I am happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. I need to engrave that in my mind. Only I can create my own happiness. It is not someone else's job.

Until next time...

MILESTONE!!!!!

Well today was a great day!! I am finally below 200 lbs. I can't remember the last time I weighed less than 200 lbs. Today is a very happy day. I weighed myself this morning and I was still a pound or so off. And from working all day unpacking - yes my stuff arrived safe and sound- I guess I gurned off 2 lbs or I just got rid of some excess water weight. Anyways, I don't care how it happened....I am the happiest person right now. So total weight loss to date is 51 pounds. YEAH ME!!!

The move - My stuff arrived around 10 am today. So far, I haven't found any major problems. Although I am missing a bookcase, my favorite one too. Oh well. If that is the only issue then I am doing good.

Until next time....

Update on Life

Ok, so I have been terrible about writing. I have been so busy. Can I just say that it is GREAT to be back in sunny South Florida!!

My weight loss has slowed down a lot. I knew that it would happen. I just didn’t know that it would happen so early. So I am trying to kick start it again. I am going to start exercising. As of today, I only have a half a pound until I am below 200 ~ the first BIG milestone!!! Then, I am almost half way to my goal. I am feeling so much better and more confident. Yesterday, I went out on my friend’s boat. I had a great time. I don’t have the confidence to get into a bathing suit quite yet (I don’t own one either). But I had a great time. With every pound that comes off, my confidence and self-esteem rise. When I looked in the mirror this morning, I noticed that my stomach is almost flat. I can’t remember the last time that it was like that.

On the job front – I was offered a position with the Health Care District and decided that I would accept it. I do not really like what I am doing currently. And the position at the Health Care District is the one I REALLY wanted. I start on November 6th. I have to go through the background screening and drug test before they can start me. I am really excited. I will finally have more normal hours and I will not be driving all over the county. That makes me very happy.

Update on the move – I went back to Massachusetts to get the rest of my stuff. I ended up hiring a moving company (against my better judgment). But it was the only solution to the problem. They were supposed to pick up my stuff last Monday (Columbus Day). I get a call at 5:30 pm from the guys to tell me that they weren’t going to make it. Needless to say, I was PISSED. Then the guys left the area and never made the pick up. It took me all day Tuesday to finally get that straightened out. So my stuff was finally picked up on Wednesday. I am still enraged. The company is supposed to compensate me for the trouble, but we will see. I think I will file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. I just hope my stuff is in good shape. It is supposed to be delivered tomorrow morning. I will update everyone on the outcome.

Until next time….

Living Life

I have to say I am really glad to be back home. I really missed being in HOT, sunny South Florida. I feel better (psychologically). I missed my family and my friends. I guess you don't know what you have until it's gone.

I am trying to live free from fear. That is a difficult thing to do. But fear stops you from living. If I have learned nothing else in my years on this earth, it's that fear is CRIPPLING. I know, I know. I have ranted about this before. But I can't believe how much fear rules some people's lives (including my own). So, I made the decision that this is the end of the road. No more. Fear will be with me no longer. I want to feel free not trapped. And that is how it feels to have fear controlling your life. It is possible that I may get hurt in the process, but that is part of living. The best part about being hurt is remembering the way it felt before the hurt. And the hurt goes away ~ eventually. I should say that it fades with time.

Life is full of choices and decisions. Those decisions lead us down our paths. I am truly convinced that NOTHING that happens in our life is by chance. I believe that there is a reason for everything. We may not understand that reason, but it is there. If you have never read Mitch Albom's book, The Five People you meet in Heaven, (or something like that) it is a must read. It is very short and talks about the five people the main character meets in heaven. Each person is to help bring some understanding to this person's life. I hope and pray that one day I will understand why things go the way they do. But for now it is not meant for me to understand. So, I am thinking less and taking more risks (emotionally). I know that what is meant to be will be and I have to let go. Because trying to control it, doesn't work. It hasn't for the last 29 years, so why would it start to work now.

So, for now, I am letting go and living. No matter what the outcome might be. Guarding my heart has only brought disappointment and sorrow. And I am no longer ok with surviving.

"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. " ~ O.S. Marden

Until next time...

Control

So, I got a job!! I am going to be working with foster children. I will see how I like it because it wasn't my first choice. But I needed a job and this is no time to be picky.
I am so glad to be back in sunny South Florida. I know now that this is where I belong. Whatever is meant for my life will be. I need to stop trying to control every aspect of it. It is not humanly possible.
I realize that when things in my life start to go well I tend to sabotage them. I am the queen at ruining a good thing. FEAR That is the most crippling word in the English language. Fear causes people to not live. I guess that is what has been in control of my life for the past few years ~ Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt. Fear of being a failure. That fear manifests itself in so many different ways. It is unbelieveable. My job as a therapist/counselor is to help others and that is the easiest thing I have ever done. I am good at helping others. The hard part is helping yourself.
I have made several conscious decisions over the past week. I refuse to let fear be in control anymore. I also refuse to walk away when something doesn't go how I want it to. Perfection does not exist in "real" life ~ only in fairy tales. And those don't exist either. So that leaves me to conclude that everytime I try to control every facet of my life, things go out of control. So many times I have been told to "let go and let God" and when I do that, things are great. So that is what is going to start happening again. I don't want to sound like some religious "freak". But God is in control and the sooner I let go of control maybe, just maybe, things will get back in order.
Until next time...

Family

This is my niece, my sister and me

This is my "little" sister. She recently got engaged.