Grieving

It's funny how life has it's way of teaching you things. I have been going over the last week. I realize that I have been going through the stages of grieving in more than one way. First in coping with Jill's passing and secondly in hearing Gage's diagnosis. I never thought it possible that one could experience more than one or two stages of grief at the same time. Right now I feel like I am experiencing all five of them. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified the five stages as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I think in my heart I have always know that Gage was "different". He didn't do any of the things that "normal" babies do. He never really babbled. He never really responded to my facial cues or expressions. In watching Jillian do things now, I realize how much he didn't do.

I am going to bluntly honest right now and I know that this doesn't make me a bad mom...it makes me human. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am heartbroken, angry, and lost. No parent wants to hear that their child has a disability. Don't get me wrong I love Gage more than anything. He is perfect in my eyes.

I know I have been in denial this past week. I am trying to get to a point where I can accept this. Right now I don't want to. But I had a meeting with Gage's daycare and the reality is he does have difficulties that I don't see. Maybe I don't want to see them. Maybe I see them and I don't want to accept them. I don't know.

This is not a pity party. I am hoping by writing this I can not only help myself process this but maybe I can help another parent who might be going through the same thing. It is hard to even know where to start. Gage will be seeing a neurologist to get a full evaluation. I will do what is best for my child. I know that he will be successful in life. His path will just be a little more difficult. This will only make him a stronger person.

As I write this, I realize that life is amazing. God knows what he is doing and I have to trust that. I am not perfect. I am human and I make mistakes. I only pray that he gives me the wisdom and the strength to help Gage.

Until next time...