3 months

Friday marked my third month post op. My weight was 196. Thats a total of 54 pounds. I am focusing more on my eating. At least what I should be eating. Not having the dumping syndrome has been both a blessing and curse. I am still able to eat stuff that I enjoy however, thats the curse at the same time. Its a double edge sword. I am going to head back to the gym and get some cardio in. That way it will kick start my weight loss. I had been averaging 20 pounds, but this month it was 14 pounds (which is still good). It is just a let down after such rapid weight loss in the beginning. I know it will always be a battle, but it is an easier battle to fight when I have the upper hand. I feel more in control. It definitely makes it easier when you are never hungry and you get full really easy.

Until next time...

Halloween party pics

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Turning 30

After all the hype, turning 30 wasn't that bad. I hear that it is the best time of your life. I will have to let everyone know about that one. I think your 20's are about learning about who you are and what you want in life. Your 30's are about making that happen. Life is an ever evolving process. I have learned so much about myself over the past few years, especially the last few months. I know that every obstacle you have in your life makes you a stronger person. I feel like I have grown so much. I am also very thankful for all the tough times that I have had. I realize that there is always someone out there that is worse off than me (I wish that wasn't true). I am happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. I need to engrave that in my mind. Only I can create my own happiness. It is not someone else's job.

Until next time...

MILESTONE!!!!!

Well today was a great day!! I am finally below 200 lbs. I can't remember the last time I weighed less than 200 lbs. Today is a very happy day. I weighed myself this morning and I was still a pound or so off. And from working all day unpacking - yes my stuff arrived safe and sound- I guess I gurned off 2 lbs or I just got rid of some excess water weight. Anyways, I don't care how it happened....I am the happiest person right now. So total weight loss to date is 51 pounds. YEAH ME!!!

The move - My stuff arrived around 10 am today. So far, I haven't found any major problems. Although I am missing a bookcase, my favorite one too. Oh well. If that is the only issue then I am doing good.

Until next time....

Update on Life

Ok, so I have been terrible about writing. I have been so busy. Can I just say that it is GREAT to be back in sunny South Florida!!

My weight loss has slowed down a lot. I knew that it would happen. I just didn’t know that it would happen so early. So I am trying to kick start it again. I am going to start exercising. As of today, I only have a half a pound until I am below 200 ~ the first BIG milestone!!! Then, I am almost half way to my goal. I am feeling so much better and more confident. Yesterday, I went out on my friend’s boat. I had a great time. I don’t have the confidence to get into a bathing suit quite yet (I don’t own one either). But I had a great time. With every pound that comes off, my confidence and self-esteem rise. When I looked in the mirror this morning, I noticed that my stomach is almost flat. I can’t remember the last time that it was like that.

On the job front – I was offered a position with the Health Care District and decided that I would accept it. I do not really like what I am doing currently. And the position at the Health Care District is the one I REALLY wanted. I start on November 6th. I have to go through the background screening and drug test before they can start me. I am really excited. I will finally have more normal hours and I will not be driving all over the county. That makes me very happy.

Update on the move – I went back to Massachusetts to get the rest of my stuff. I ended up hiring a moving company (against my better judgment). But it was the only solution to the problem. They were supposed to pick up my stuff last Monday (Columbus Day). I get a call at 5:30 pm from the guys to tell me that they weren’t going to make it. Needless to say, I was PISSED. Then the guys left the area and never made the pick up. It took me all day Tuesday to finally get that straightened out. So my stuff was finally picked up on Wednesday. I am still enraged. The company is supposed to compensate me for the trouble, but we will see. I think I will file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. I just hope my stuff is in good shape. It is supposed to be delivered tomorrow morning. I will update everyone on the outcome.

Until next time….

Living Life

I have to say I am really glad to be back home. I really missed being in HOT, sunny South Florida. I feel better (psychologically). I missed my family and my friends. I guess you don't know what you have until it's gone.

I am trying to live free from fear. That is a difficult thing to do. But fear stops you from living. If I have learned nothing else in my years on this earth, it's that fear is CRIPPLING. I know, I know. I have ranted about this before. But I can't believe how much fear rules some people's lives (including my own). So, I made the decision that this is the end of the road. No more. Fear will be with me no longer. I want to feel free not trapped. And that is how it feels to have fear controlling your life. It is possible that I may get hurt in the process, but that is part of living. The best part about being hurt is remembering the way it felt before the hurt. And the hurt goes away ~ eventually. I should say that it fades with time.

Life is full of choices and decisions. Those decisions lead us down our paths. I am truly convinced that NOTHING that happens in our life is by chance. I believe that there is a reason for everything. We may not understand that reason, but it is there. If you have never read Mitch Albom's book, The Five People you meet in Heaven, (or something like that) it is a must read. It is very short and talks about the five people the main character meets in heaven. Each person is to help bring some understanding to this person's life. I hope and pray that one day I will understand why things go the way they do. But for now it is not meant for me to understand. So, I am thinking less and taking more risks (emotionally). I know that what is meant to be will be and I have to let go. Because trying to control it, doesn't work. It hasn't for the last 29 years, so why would it start to work now.

So, for now, I am letting go and living. No matter what the outcome might be. Guarding my heart has only brought disappointment and sorrow. And I am no longer ok with surviving.

"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. " ~ O.S. Marden

Until next time...

Control

So, I got a job!! I am going to be working with foster children. I will see how I like it because it wasn't my first choice. But I needed a job and this is no time to be picky.
I am so glad to be back in sunny South Florida. I know now that this is where I belong. Whatever is meant for my life will be. I need to stop trying to control every aspect of it. It is not humanly possible.
I realize that when things in my life start to go well I tend to sabotage them. I am the queen at ruining a good thing. FEAR That is the most crippling word in the English language. Fear causes people to not live. I guess that is what has been in control of my life for the past few years ~ Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt. Fear of being a failure. That fear manifests itself in so many different ways. It is unbelieveable. My job as a therapist/counselor is to help others and that is the easiest thing I have ever done. I am good at helping others. The hard part is helping yourself.
I have made several conscious decisions over the past week. I refuse to let fear be in control anymore. I also refuse to walk away when something doesn't go how I want it to. Perfection does not exist in "real" life ~ only in fairy tales. And those don't exist either. So that leaves me to conclude that everytime I try to control every facet of my life, things go out of control. So many times I have been told to "let go and let God" and when I do that, things are great. So that is what is going to start happening again. I don't want to sound like some religious "freak". But God is in control and the sooner I let go of control maybe, just maybe, things will get back in order.
Until next time...

Family

This is my niece, my sister and me

This is my "little" sister. She recently got engaged.

Fairy tales don't exist

Well I have been back in West Palm Beach for a few days. The job search is going ok. I have had a few interviews. I hope I find a job soon because I am going to go crazy doing nothing.
I weighed myself today and I am down 36 pounds!!! I am so excited. It feels so good. Although, it has been a tough week with feeling not so good. I think it is because I haven't been drinking enough water. It is hard to remember sometimes. I am thankful for all the support and well wishes I have been receiving. I always wonder what people I haven't seen in awhile think when they read my blog.
I have learned a lot on this journey. I realize that happiness isn't a destination, it is a journey. Everything in your life adds up to happiness. My whole life I have believed in fairy tales and prince charming coming and sweeping me off of my feet. What I now realize is that is not how it happens. I am not even sure that fairy tales exist. I turn 30 next month and my fairy tale has yet to happen. I am not married. I do not have any children - human ones at least. Both of these I want more than anything. I know how to help others with their issues, but I seem incapable or unable to help myself. I know that everything happens according to God's plan. I have always been impatient and maybe God is trying to teach me patience. It just seems that every guy I date gets married right after me. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know that life is not meant to be easy. But was it meant to be so damn hard?!

Resolution

Today will be my last day work. It has been a tough week. Most of the kids that I see, I have been seeing as long as I have been at my job. It was an emotional week. I had a few foster parents tell me that I am the best therapist they have had in 20 years. That was definitely an ego booster. On the other hand it is sad to leave and not see the progression of my clients.

Earlier this week I had a dream about Nick Lachey. I know what you all are thinking - CRAZY!!! At the time, I had no idea what the dream meant. Then today I was driving home and I was listening to Nick's new CD. The final song on the CD is called "Resolution". It suddenly hit me what my dream meant.

In order to explain the meaning of my dream, I have to take you back to when I moved to Massachusetts in the first place. Kelly Clarkson had a song call "Breakaway". At that time, it was my theme song. My move to Massachusetts was for me to get away from Florida and clear my head. I just needed to "breakaway". Now almost 2 years later, I am resolved. I have learned a lot about myself and what I want out of life. I am no longer happy just sitting back waiting for life to "happen". I am going to make it happen. This is MY resolution.
Music has always been a large part of my life. I always seem to identify things that are occurring in my life to music. It is my expression. It's definitely something I inherited from dad - his love for music.

I am continuing to do well in my recovery. I have lost a total of 32 pounds to date. Everyday I am so happy I made the decision that I did. I know was the best choice for me.

I am leaving early Friday morning to make the trip back to Florida - part 1 at least. I am almost done packing the car up. I will come home from work today and take a little nappy. Then I will get up and start the 24 hour drive back to West Palm Beach.

Well it's late...Until next time.....

I HATE MOVING

Moving really sucks. And when you move 1500 miles, it REALLY SUCKS!!!! There has been yet another change of plans. My brother was unable to secure affordable airfare, therefore I will pack up my car with the essentials and the animals and head home to West Palm next week for some interviews. Then I will fly my happy ass (hopefully with someone willing to help) back to Boston, pack up the rest of my stuff and drive (yet again) back to West Palm. This seems to be the best solution right now. I am not sure of any other way.

I saw my surgeon today. She is happy for me that I am moving home. She told me to stay in touch and send her an email from time to time. I really like her. She is the best. She also said that she was going to find me a bariatric surgeon down there to follow me. As for my progress, I am doing well. I have lost a total of 31 pounds. My incision is completely healed so I am able to go swimming and take a bath if I wanted. :) My sense of smell is getting a little better. I am also able to add in some fruits and vegetables as long as I am getting my protein in. I promise I will post some pictures this weekend.

Well thats all for now...Until next time.......

Moving

Today was a boring day. I did nothing. Story of my life right now. I am trying to get everything packed up before my brother arrives that way he just has to load the truck and we can be on our merry little way. Although, I am a little stressed right now. Since the surgery, I haven't really been working that much so money is VERY tight and I am trying to scrape up enough so that I can get back to Florida. The weekend of the 15th is the only weekend that my brother is able to come up to help. So, I am praying that God will provide and that the gas prices continue to drop. So everyone pray with me. I would say that I am probably half way packed. This weekend I am going to go to my aunt's to say my goodbyes. I know that my cousins are going to have a difficult time with this. I spoke with my aunt today and she told me that she was going to tell them tonight. I hope they took it ok.

Well thats all for now. Until next time.......

Week 5

ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! I was trying to post and I lost it. So I have to start from scratch. I have been busy packing and getting things tied up for my move. It looks like I will be heading back to sunny South Florida on Sept. 15th. My brother and his new wife (whom I have never met) are going to fly up to drive back with me. I am still on a lift restriction so I can pack but I can't lift anything over 10 pounds - which is everything. My friend Tara has a vacant townhouse that she owns, so I will be staying there until I can figure out what I want to do on a more permanent basis. I am also still working on obtaining a job. I am not worried. I know that God will provide.

Weight loss is going good. I have lost about 29 pounds. I have to go see the doctor for my 6 week follow up appointment on Friday. I also get to add some new foods to my diet this week . YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I never thought I would be excited to eat vegetables. I have been having issues with eating over the past week becuase my snese of smell is incredibly good since the surgery. I smell something and I get naseaus. It really sucks.

Gizmo is doing well since we have returned home. Although, I think he knows something is up because when I am packing he is sitting on my lap. He has calmed down a lot and is not chewing on my hand as much. He is also listening better. And he is going to the bathroom outside for the most part.

Well I can't seem to remember everything I wrote in the other post that is lost. So thats all for now. Until next time.......

1 Month

Well I just made the most difficult decision I have had to make in awhile. I have decided to move back to Florida. I have realized that the time I needed away from there is done. I have learned a lot and I am just ready to go home. I miss my friends and yes even my family. I have a support network down there that I don't have here. So, I am going home at the end of September. I have enjoyed my time in Massachusetts and I have learned a lot about myself.

I have lost 26 pounds as of today. I am so happy. I am adjusting and I know that I still have a long road ahead of me. Thanks to everyone for all your support.

Until next time......

Day 28

Well I have made it through another week. I have 2 weeks until I can add some more foods into my diet. Carbs!!!! Yeah. Everyone asks if I am hungry and the luckily I am not. I am still trying to figure out how I feel. I don't think I can explain how I have felt since the surgery. I just feel different - physically. I never realized how difficult the recovery would be. I have been an emotional trainwreck. I spent all last weekend at home crying- for no reason that I could tell. I know that my hormones are crazy because I am not on my birth control because it increases the chances of blot clots forming.

I have made it through almost 2 weeks back at work. Everyday gets a little easier and I get a little stronger. Although I know I probably won't feel completely like myself until at least 6 weeks after the surgery. My incision is starting to hurt less. I decided to take my pain medication at night so that I get a really good night's sleep in order for my body to recoup.

Well I am tired. Until next time.....

Day 20

Well I ended up staying home today. I was up half the night last night in the bathroom. I am not quite sure what was going on but it was not fun. So, I was very nervous to leave the house today. I stayed home and rested and took it easy on the food. I am supposed to have 5 - 2 ounce meals a day. I had 3 today. I was just nervous and wanted to see how my stomach and digestion went.

I am glad to be back home. I missed my bed and the kitty. She didn't destroy the house as I thought she might have. She did throw up on my bed though. So, Jill came up and helped me make my bed and then ran some errands with me. The doctor wants me to keep driving to a minimum. So we went to Walmart, PetSmart, and Stop and Shop. My grocery bill was the best. It wasn't even $50. And that will probably last at least a week. :)

I have a doctor's appt on Friday to get the last 3 staples out. I may try to get Jill to take a picture of the scar for those of you who are curious. It really isn't that bad. Although I can't really touch it yet. It freaks me out.

Well its late and I am tired. Until next time.......

Day 14

2 weeks!!!!!!!!! I made it. I was able to eat soft solids today. And there were no problems. Yippee!!! It was amazing to me how quickly I felt full. I am also trying to learn what full and hungry feel like. I think I have figured out full. I did the best today with my protein and water goals. I had 58 grams of proteing today and 50 ounces of water. I also felt my best today. That makes me feel better after my day yesterday. I know that this journey is going to be full of ups and downs and I am trying to prepare myself for that. But I never know when it is going to hit. But today was a good day. I had eggs for breakfast, ham for lunch, ground turkey for a snack and dinner, and eggs for a snack in the evening. I was definitely very excited to actually be eating food. I didn't have any issues and that made it even better. My incision looks really good. The top part is healing well. I can't see the bottom, but my aunt reports that it looks good also. I head home on Monday 8/14 and can't wait to get there. I just want my stuff. Jill is going to come up and help me with making my bed (since I can't lift anything more than 10 pounds). I am so thankful for the help. Then on Tuesday, it's back to work. Yeah. I never thought I would be that excited to get back to work, but I am so bored I am going out of my mind. Well its late so that's all for now. I will post pictures tomorrow. Until next time......

Day 13

Wow. I get to eat soft solids tomorrow. Yippie!!!! Today was a rough day. I woke up feeling a little nauseous. It actually lasted all day. I barely got in any protein today. I am also experiencing some really bad leg cramps. I called the PA and she suggested that I drink propel and try to mash up some bananas. I am still having some tonight. I was also very emotional today. Probably a combination of going off my birth control (because it increases the liklihood of blood clots) and I haven't taken my Lexapro since the surgery. So needless to say I am on a crazy roller coaster. I was thinking today, "What the hell did I do", "Did I make the right decision". I was also wondering when it is gonna get better. My incision is looking better tonight. It is starting to close up. The top part looks great. It is completely healed. I am not sure what I weigh because the scale is on the fritz. However, I will weigh myself first thing tomorrow morning because the battery has been changed in the scale. I will try to get some pictures up also. It's late and I am tired. Until next time......

This has been a rough week. I am really emotional because I haven't been taking my anxiety medication because it is too big and I can't seem to get it cut small enough. Anyways, Gizmo won't stop shitting in the house and it is obviously driving my aunt and uncle crazy. I don't know what else to do to potty train him. I have tried taking him out every 2 hours and taking him out right after he eats. Problem is, he doesn't do anything outside and then when he comes inside, he does his thing. I am not sure how else to get him to learn to go to the bathroom outside.

I also feel like I am an intrusion at my aunt and uncle's house. I have been here so much. I also just want my own bed and things. But I am not allowed to drive, so I am basically stuck here. It sucks. I want to go back to work because I am so bored, but again the no driving thing. I don't have anyone that can drive me to and from work so I am stuck here. It is depressing at times. And that can be an overwhelming feeling right now. I am not quite sure how to aleviate that.

On another note, I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me out or supported me on this journey. I know that it isn't going to be an easy one, but I am on my way and there is no turning back (not that I would).

Until next time......

Week 1 Results

Well I just got home from the doctor's office. The total weight loss for week one is 12 pounds. :) YEAH!!!!!! I get to eat some real food next week, probably Thursday. I think I will try some eggs. YUM!! It has been a tough week and I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me during this week. I haven't been the nicest and I apologize for that. I am so excited about the initial weight loss and I know that it won't be this much always. I know the first month is always the most and then things start to slow down. Welll back to sipping my fluids.... Until next time.......

RECOVERY TIME

Oh my God!!!! Jill was so right when she said abdomenal surgery sucks!!!!!!! I am on a lift restriction - no more than 10 pounds. I don't even know if I can lift that. As some of you know, they had to convert to an open bypass. It seems that my abdominal muscles are too strong and they were unable to put enough air in me to be able to see well enough to complete the surgery laproscopically. Anyways, they opened me up and I have a ton of staples. I am not sure how long they will be in for. I go to the surgeon's office on Friday for a follow up appointment. My baby sister, Faith, will be flying in on Wednesday to help me for the next week. I am not sure what I am going to do after that. I never would have thought that it would be this painful. And I am trying not to take that much pain medicine. It seems that a side effect is constipation, which really doesn't make things feel any better down in the abdomen region. Anyways, I am trying to stay hydrated. Although the hospital put enough IV fluids in me. I swear I had at least 15 pounds of extra water on me. It is really amazing to me how many things we take for granted everyday. It hurts to cough, laugh, and even to yawn.

I am tired. More next time..........

Round Two!!

Well here I am the night before my second attempt at having this surgery. I am very excited for it to be done. I am tired of not being able to breathe when I am walking. I had someone ask me how I became this big. There is no answer for that. It's like asking someone why they eat. We eat to survive. And unfortunately, I would eat and eat. Some people are addicted to drugs, alcohol, shopping, and gambling. My addiction over the past few years has been food. Some use food for emotional reasons. My weight is representative of so much that has happened to me over the past years. It was a gradual gain of usually 10 or 15 pounds a year. As one gets older, the weight is harder to get off.

RENT is one of my favorites broadway musicals EVER. I have seen it 5 times and seen the movie. I basically have the entire musical memorized. To me, it is more than a story line. The words are very true. "No Day but Today" Live for today because you might not have tomorrow. "The heart may freeze or it can burn. The pain will ease if I can learn. There is no future. There is no past. I live this moment as my last. There's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No Day but Today." These lines from the musical are so true. This surgery is a new start for me - a new chapter in my book.

Until next time......

Here we go again!

Let's hope that the second attempt at this is better than the first. I am going in on Thursday 7/27/06. I won't know what time until Wednesday evening. Anyways, I am going to work for the beginning of this week and then take off. Let's hope all is well.

I want to say a MILLION thanks to everyone for their prayers and support. This was one of the most difficult decisions in my life to make. I know that it is the right decision even with the mishap. This procedure is the start of a fresh chapter for me. So, keep me, the surgeon, and the machinery in your thoughts and prayers.

I will update everyone later this week.

Until next time.......

A Second Attempt

Well, I met with the surgeon this morning. Basically, the surgery will be attempted again and if she can't do it laproscopically, she will convert it to an open bypass. I would much rather have the surgery performed laproscopically. But I want it done and I don't care how it is accomplished. I just might need some extra help after the surgery should it need to be done open. So, right now I am on the schedule for August 1st however, we are trying to rearrange the schedule so that I can have it done next Thursday. I have to wait until Monday to see if I can get that done.

Until next time.........

Disappointment

Well I went in for the surgery today and everything was going well. I was given the IV and they put me under the anesthesia. However, when the surgeon went to blow my abdomen up with gas so that she could work there seemed to be an issue. She tried for about an hour and then cancelled the surgery. Needless to say, I am very disappointed. BUT, that is not the end of the story. She had another surgery scheduled and she was having the same difficulty and decided to try another machine. That machine was fine. When I spoke with the surgeon, she said that we have a couple of options. So, I will be calling to make an appointment for Friday to discuss those options. It looks like I might end up having the surgery August 1st (my original date). I guess everything happens for a reason.

Thank you to everyone for their words of encouragement and support. This truly has to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

Until next time.........

Finally!!!

Ok, as promised here is a before picture. It isn't pretty. I have been really uncomfortable the past few days and I am very happy that the surgery is finally here. I am the first surgery of the day 7:30 am. So, that means that I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 am. Yippee!!!

I know I have been telling everyone that I am not nervous, but today my anxiety was off the charts. I am not sure if it is just excitement or nervousness. Anyways, I am trying to stay calm and breathe deep. I just downloaded some relaxing music on my IPOD and plan on listening to it before the surgery tomorrow.

As of my appointment with the doctor this morning, I weighed 250 pounds. I never in a MILLION years thought I would ever weigh this. So, I am getting a fresh start and will work harder than ever to become more healthy.

I will try to post something tomorrow after the surgery. Thanks to everyone for their support and words of encouragement. It means so much to me.

Until next time.........

Information

Ok, for those of you haven't figured out what surgery I am having I will fill you in. I decided to have gastric bypass surgery. It took a lot of thought, prayer, and deliberation. I have high blood pressure and I have had it for more than 2 years. I also recently found out that I have high cholesteral. I am not even 30 yet!!!! So with these health issues I decided that this would be the best option. the procedure will last about 3 hours and then my stomach will be itty bitty. Initially, it will only hold about 1 ounce at a time.

If you look at the picture I have posted, this is what the finished product will look like. So, I am off to the hospital tomorrow for my pre-op appointment. And then I see the doctor on Monday. I am getting so excited and I am happy that this week is almost over.

Until next time...........

Preparation

I am starting to get everything together for the surgery. It is finally real to me. I am not nervous, but excited. I want this fresh start on life so badly. I have found myself sleeping a tremendous amount lately. A way of avoiding life - I guess. I try to figure out what I am avoiding but can't put my finger on it. I am going to be very busy over the next week. My aunt and grandmother return from Florida on Friday (14th). My mom will arrive on the 17th (Monday). I also have my pre-op appointment that morning.

I know that this surgery isn't going to fix everything in my life. It is only going to make some things a little bit easier to handle.

Until next time.........

Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I receivd a phone call from the doctor's office. I am scheduled to have my surgery on July 18th. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I am waiting to hear back from the doctor's office as to when the pre-op appointment will be. I am so excited. I feel like I am getting a new lease on life. This time I am going to do it right. This is a second chance for me and I am so grateful for this opportunity.

I will post more news as it follows and as promised the night before the surgery I will post my stats and a picture. Soon there will be a new me!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Until next time...........

Introducing.....

Well it has taken a little while but here is the new baby Gizmo. We went to Auntie Jill's and surprise he matches the color of her iced coffee. He is doing well and growing. I will get more pictures up soon.

Surgery update:

I am tenatively scheduled to have the surgery on August 1. I am going to confirm that this week (hopefully). I am getting really anxious to get the procedure done. I am also really sick and tired of walking and becoming hot and sweaty!!! It is really disgusting. I looked it up on webmd and they said it is exertional heatstroke. I call it uncomfortable and gross. Who would want to come near me like that. Not to mention, it is next to impossible to do anything. Walking around the mall is miserable (even in air conditioning). Well hopefully I won't have to deal with it much longer.

Thanks to everyone for their support it is appreciated very much. Well it is late and I am tired.

Until next time..................................

My New Baby

I know I have been terrible at blogging. A lot is going on so let me fill everyone in. I made the trip to Pennsylvania to pick up the puppy. WOW was that an interesting time. The drive wasn't that bad. It took us about 6 1/2 hours and my cousin was the best I have ever seen her. She fell in love with the standard poodles at the breeders. Anyways, we arrived at the breeder's place (who lives out in the middle of no where and we almost ran out of gas!! We even saw Amish people) and the woman was a bit disorganized. I think she had too much fun in the 70's. She told me that she couldn't remember if someone else had put a deposit on my little one. Needless to say I was furious. I made her call the woman to verify and she was wrong!!! Thank God!!!!! So I purchased my little one. She gave him a bath and a haircut. And we were on our way. Now came the part where we had to name the little one. At first, I thought Martini would be cute. But then I thought about having to explain that to my clients I see. So that was thrown out. Then I figured Simba would be great, seeing as I am from Florida. Well no one liked that one. So finally, on the third try, I settled on Gizmo. Gizmo is adjusting well. He had his first vet appointment last Friday. He goes back on July 15th for his last round of shots. He weighs 2.6 pounds. I will try to post a picture when I get a chance. If you want to see him now you can go to Jill's blog at www.balboniblog.blogspot.com. There is a cute picture of him with her iced coffee.

Update on the surgery: I have finished all of my tests and I am just waiting on my date. I am really getting impatient (big surprise). I just want to know when it is already. I have to start to prepare myself. I will keep everyone updated as I find things out.

Well I must be going. Until next time.................................

A New Beginning

Well, its been awhile since I last posted. I am doing much better. I have my good days and my bad days. I am pleased to report that I have found another puppy. I will be travelling with my aunt to Pennsylvania on Saturday to pick him up. He is 9 weeks old and looks similar to Scooter. I know that nothing can replace my baby. I have been more upbeat since I found him....smiling and less sad about the loss of Scooter. I miss him dearly and I am sure it will take a lot of time for that wound to heal. But I have to go on, like I tell my clients. You have to figure out a way around the road blocks and pot holes in life. I easily could have stayed in bed for weeks, but that would have made matters worse. Mattie, the kittie, is still a little freaked out. She has been waking me up in the middle of the night licking me. Not quite sure why she is doing that, but it is utterly annoying. Well it is late and I am tired. I will post pictures of the road trip asap. More next time...............

In Memory.....

This is my baby, Scooter. I miss him dearly.

The Saddest Day of My Life

Memorial Day was the hardest and saddest day for me. I brought Scooter to work with me because I was worried how he would at home alone. On the way home, he had his head out the window like always. He must have saw something because he jumped out the window and was then hit by another car. Unfortunately, he was killed. I am overwhelmed with grief. I am not quite sure what exactly to do. I don't want to go home. My Aunt came out immediately when I called her. She stayed with me over night and helped to organize the new place a little bit. Yesterday, I went to my psych appointment. After that, I went out to my aunt and uncle's house to have a burial for Scooter. It is going to be rough for awhile.

More later...............

Reflection

With the upcoming move and my impending surgery, I have been very reflective. My weight reflects so much more than just excess weight. It has been my protection for so long. I am not quite sure what I have needed protection from - possibly being emotionally hurt. Well I have proven that the weight doesn't protect you from that. It only makes you more lonely and miserable. I have spent so many years chasing this person I thought I should be or I thought I wanted to be, that I don't think I know who I am. I have the Purpose Driven Life (both the book and CDs). However, I think I am afraid to let go of what I know, even though I am not that happy. I know I am happy when I help other people, but then I seem to lose myself in that (at least what I think of as "myself"). I don't doubt that I am a good person. I guess I am just trying to figure out why I am here on this earth. Because I don't believe God put me here to feel terrible about myself. I know I have been unhappy, but I relate that to my excess weight. However, it's easy to not be happy when someone tells you that you are out of touch with reality. You really start to doubt your already lowered self esteem and withdraw even more.

When you walk 2 feet and your lower back hurts so bad you have to sit down, one can't be happy. When you walk slowly around the mall and your face gets so red that someone would think you just ran a marathon, one can't be happy. When you can't sit up in bed without rolling over first, one can't be happy. When you can't tie your sneakers by yourself, one can't be happy. When you have 10 different sizes of jeans in your closet, one can't be happy. I am tired of having my weight, weigh me down. If anyone else has ever felt this way, then you can relate to how I am feeling.

I know that this surgery isn't going to solve everything. I know that I have to change my diet. I know that change HAS to be forever. My wish is that through this process I find who I truly am. I am so thankful that my family is able to put their emotional feelings behind them and support me. I am not sure I could have made it through it without them. I truly am blessed to have a wonderful family.

When I receive the date of the surgery I will post that along with a picture and my starting weight (as bad as it might be). I want this to be a journey of weight loss and re-birth. This is my chance.

Until next time........................

More tests

I was able to get a hold of the sleep center today. I have my sleep study scheduled for June 3rd. Now all we have to do is hope and pray that I don't have sleep apnea. Otherwise that could push my surgery date back. I don't have the appointment for the consultation with the doctor until July 20th. Dr. Vernon's office said that if I have sleep apnea I have to have the CPAP machine in my house 24 to 48 hours before the surgery. So I am hoping that everything goes ok. I just wanted to keep those of you who are reading updated. Until next time...............

The hardest reveal

Well I told Nana today. That was the hardest thing I had to do. She took it well. I know she was upset, which I expected. I called Aunt Pam to let her know so she could call and check on her. So, I only have to tell my brother this weekend when he comes to help me move. I only hope it goes as well as everyone else has. Well I am going to finish packing.

Until next time...........

Results

So, I was in Boston this morning for the ultrasound of my gallbladder and the upper GI testing. The ultrasound was first and was very easy. I don't have any gallstones so that means I get to keep my gallbladder. Then, I went for the upper GI test. YUCK!!!!!!! If you have never had an upper GI test, just hope that you never have to. You have to drink this fizzy stuff followed by barium, which is this white chalky stuff. And let me tell you, it doesn't taste very good at all. But the cool thing was that I got to see pictures of my belly. So I was able to see my stomach and my esophogus. It looked really cool. Everything looks good from that perspective also. So the next step is the psych eval and if I can ever get a hold of the sleep people. Then hopefully I will ge tmy actual surgery date. I am so excited. I really want this fresh start. I have spent too long living behind this weight. I am ready for the changes I need to make in order to be healthy.

I have found that everyone I have run into is very supportive. And I am very grateful and thankful for this. I will need all the support I can get to get through the first few weeks.

The house is almost all paccked up and my brother is coming up next weekend to help me move. I am hoping to get a few things moved this weekend. At least I can clear up some of the clutter. It is like a maze in the house.

More later...........

Testing

So, tomorrow is my first set of tests for the surgery. I have to have an ultrasound of my abdomen and an upper GI test. Then on May 30th its the psych eval - which is standard for all surgery candidates. I am excited to get the show on the road. In other news, my Aunt Joy figured out my plans from reading my blog. Thanks for reading Aunt Joy. I am ready for this new chapter to begin. I have been unhappy and unhealthy for too long. I know its not going to be an easy road, but I know that the outcome is worth the journey. I am just glad I decided to tell Aunt Pam. Its nice to have the support and know that someone really cares about you. I know the emotional pain is going to be great for that side of the family and I wish there was some way to ease that pain. All I know is that I feel very calm and comfortable with the decision. I know that God and everyone else up in heaven will be watching over me that day.

Well I need to get back to my paper. Until next time........

The BIG Reveal

So I didn't things could get any worse this week with all of the rain but I was wrong. I went to my aunt's this weekend for my cousin's birthday. I had contemplated all week whether or not to tell her about the surgery. I was afraid of her reaction. I mean I know that she would be reasonable and understand that we are no where things were 30 years ago when my father decided to have a similar experimental surgery. However, she took it better than I thought. We had gone out for dinner and drinks after my eventful day. I decided after 2 margaritas (a.k.a liquid courage) to drop the bomb. She initially thought I was going to tell her that I was moving back to Florida. Nope!!! Anyways we discussed the entire procedure and my decision. She is supportive although emotionally apprehensive, which is understandable. She told me she would have been very upset with me if I wouldn't have told her before the surgery. Now I have to tell Nana. That one I haven't begun to figure out how to do. I have a week to figure it out. My brother will be told over Memorial Day Weekend while he is here to help me move. So thats all of them. My aunt said she would go with me to the pre-op appointment. I feel better and more supportive. I know this is hard emotionally for all of them because of my father, but I need to be healthly and I know they are all worried about my weight. I am at peace with this decision. It is the same peace I felt when I decided to move to Massachusetts. I know it will be difficult on them, but I pray for strength for them to help them get through the initial pain and know that I am doing this be healthy. I know good things will come after this. So needless to say, this weekend has been very difficult and emotional. I only know that telling Nana will be the most difficult. But I don't have a choice because if I don't tell her, Aunt Pam will. So I will be thinking of ways to tell her. I am not sure there is any way to do it that will ease the emotional pain. But I pray to God that he will give me the strength to tell her and that He gives her the strength to deal with the emotions that come with it. Because I KNOW that I am making the right decision.

Until next time........

The appointment

Perception...I find it funny how we all perceive situations differently. I am taking a class on learning and memory this term. It is very interesting to learn about our memory and how things affect it.

The other day on the Today Show there was an interview with this guy who walked across America from California to New York. His story is amazing and courageous. However, I think it is not much different from most overweight people. His walk was meant to help him lose weight and learn new habits to replace the old bad habits. He has a website and it is very interesting to read through the entries - www.thefatmanwalking.com. If you get a chance, check it out.

In other news, my appointment went well. I still have to the psych portion and in addition, I have to have an upper GI test and a sleep apnea study. After all of that, I will be cleared to have the procedure. It looks like it will be scheduled for August with the possibility of moving the date if someone else's date falls through. I am feeling a sense of relief and I KNOW things will get better after this. I know it isn't going to fix everything (I have to do that work), but it is a start and a BIG help. I just want a fresh start. I want to feel better about myself. I know who I am, but there are people who can't see past the fat. I just want to be healthy and I am taking the steps necessary to do that.

Well I am going to finish watching ER....until next time......

Peace

Well the residency is over tomorrow and I am heading home. I can't wait to see Scooter. I miss him so much. I was cleaning out my car and I found a poem that I got in college. I thought I would post it here.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high and your eyes wide open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. You learn to build your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground is tgoo uncertain and futures have a way of falling down in midflight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong. And that you really do have worth and that you keep learning. With every goodbye you learn.

Until tomorrow..........

New Hampshire

I have to say that I am enjoying New Hampshire. The weather has been beautiful and I have been able to relax without worrying about anything. Scooter is at home with Jill and I am very appreciative for this. Things are tense between us, but I hope they can settle soon. In other news, I found a place to live a few towns away. Good news is I can take the kittie and the dog. Yippie!!!!!! Now I just have to get packing so that I can move at the end of the month. A new chapter begins and the wait to see how things go. I see the doctor on May 5th. Only 1 week to go!!!!!!! I am excited. I have a positive feeling about this decision. I have my reasons for choosing to do it the way that I am. Once it is all finished, I will tell those who need to know. This is a health concern for me.

The residency isn't what I thought it would be. However, I am enjoying the intensive seminar on forensic psychology. It is very interesting. Well I am exhausted. Until next time......................

Happy Easter

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!! I am not sure I have much new news to report. I have decided to try and lose some weight befor my appointment on May 5th. I am going to try to do the Atkins diet. I have to only get through this week and then I will be in New Hampshire next week for school. I need the break frm reality. I don't know what I am going to do about the living situation, but I have to figure out something. I don't know how I am going to afford living by myself plus taking the time off after the surgery. I have to hope and pray that God will give me the answer. Thanks to my faithful readers or reader Musketeer #2. I really needed those words of encouragement.

Until next time.............................

I told you that I wouldn't be good at blogging everyday. It's too difficult to put my life in words sometimes. The countdown is on....only about 3 weeks left until my appointment. I am getting so anxious. I just want it done already. I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life. Who would have thought that I would ever get this big?! I guess thats my genes working overtime. Lucky me. In other news, Jill is spending a lot of time with her new boyfriend and his daughter. She tries to include me, but I have always been the third wheel. I was in college and I don't want to be the "tag-along" anymore. I know she only means the best, its just difficult. I am scared, too. I am scared that I will be all alone. That is a very real reality. I guess it feels like things will never work themselves out and the one thing I truly want more than anything, I will never have. I find that I am always searching for something and never finding "it". I know I need to let go, but that is too difficult for me. I only pray that God can give me the courage and strength to accept whatever turns my life takes. I never in a million years thought I would be single at 30. It's been a tough couple of weeks. I guess I really needed to unload. Until next time................

Well, I was informed that I need to update this daily. I am not sure if I can accomplish that, but I will surely try. I have been feeling a little down lately. That could be because of my recent weight gain. I am not sure what is going on with me. I just know that something has to change soon. I am going to try my protein shake diet for at least a week to see if I can get some of this extra weight off. I am so uncomfortable. Jill has been spending a lot of time with her boyfriend. I am happy for her, happy that she has finally found someone that will treat her the way she deserves. As for my love search, I have put that on hold. I know that I will never find someone looking and feeling like I do right now. Well I have about 6 months until I turn 30. I can't really think about that, it stresses me out. I know good things will happen and come eventually. But I am impatient and can't stand having to wait. But I have to. Thats all for now.......

Well Happy Monday to all!!! Mondays have become a source of pain for me. Let me explain....I work fee-for-service, which just means I only get paid when I see my clients. Needless to say, I have had a significant amount of no shows and cancellations and Mondays seem to be a cancellation day. It sucks. Anyways...I will deal with it. I always seem to.

Another pain today, Scooter's surgery was not covered by his insurance. I am NOT happy about that. But what am I going to do. I can't change their decision.

On to other news.....Friday I have to have a spot on my stomach removed. It is squamous cells. So all of you in Florida, make sure you put your sunscreen on. I am off to my aunt's house this weekend right after the procedure. Scooter and I will make the trip to Westboro. Hopefully the anesthesia won't wear off until I get there. Hopefully, Scooter will be cooperative in the car and not jump all over my stomach.

Until next time.....

Well here I am...trying to be better at blogging. I guess I just get wrapped up in what is going on I don't feel like writing it down. Writing it down means I actually need to deal with it. I am trying to figure out why people are so cruel and superficial. I would have thought that I would have found someone by this time. I turn 30 this year and still nothing. That is a hard thing for me to swallow. I know everyone tells me that it will happen when the time is right. But we all want companionship. It sucks being lonely. I guess it is a feeling that I have come to know. All I want is to be happy and have a family.

My crazyness has slowed down a little bit. I am not teaching this term. I need the break. I took on too much this past term and I have been suffering the consequences.

Well it is late and I have my parenting group in the morning...until next time.......

We just finished watching the movie In Her Shoes. It was very good.

I was just sitting at the table procrastinating and listening to my IPOD. I am wondering why people in this world are so superficial. I am continuing to have a difficult time taking the weight off and actually, I have gained. It is so difficult because I haven't always been this way. I have never had trouble meeting people or guys. It sucks because I know that I have so much to offer someone. I just want to find someone who can love and accept me for who I am- fat and all. I never would have realized how much pain comes with all of the fat. Which is ironic in itself because my eating has always to fill something inside of me. I have never been sure what exactly. But all I know is that the more I eat the more pain I feel. I try to stop eating but I feel empty. I am starting to get desparate. I almost think I might do ANYTHING to get this weight off. Something has to give....soon.

until next time...............

I know I have been a bad blogger. I just have had such a boring life lately. Actually, I have been sooooooo busy that I don't have time at all. I just got back from Florida. I was there for 10 days for my friend' s, Dana, wedding. It was absolutely the most beautiful wedding that I have ever seen. I am not sure if I have ever seen two people more in love. I will post pictures soon.

I am back at school. I am going online to get my Ph.D. So this term I was just so overwhelmed between work, teaching, and school. I am not sure what I was thinking when I took on so much. Needless to say, I have survived somewhat. I am tired. I am not teaching the March term. So I am going to take the time to recoup.

Before I left for Florida, I had an inteview at Girls and BoysTown of New England for a program coordinator position. I am not sure how it went. We will see. If I don't hear anything by Tuesday, I am going to give the site director a call. All I know is that I need to find a salary job soon. I can't do this fee-for-service full time. It's too stressful not knowing what I am going to get paid. I would really enjoy working for GBT again. I totally believe in their mission. We will see.

Scooter also had to have surgery (see picture above). :( Poor thing. He did NOT like the ecollar. He's doing better though. He is starting to use his leg more and more.

Well I need to go now.....until next time........