Reflection

With the upcoming move and my impending surgery, I have been very reflective. My weight reflects so much more than just excess weight. It has been my protection for so long. I am not quite sure what I have needed protection from - possibly being emotionally hurt. Well I have proven that the weight doesn't protect you from that. It only makes you more lonely and miserable. I have spent so many years chasing this person I thought I should be or I thought I wanted to be, that I don't think I know who I am. I have the Purpose Driven Life (both the book and CDs). However, I think I am afraid to let go of what I know, even though I am not that happy. I know I am happy when I help other people, but then I seem to lose myself in that (at least what I think of as "myself"). I don't doubt that I am a good person. I guess I am just trying to figure out why I am here on this earth. Because I don't believe God put me here to feel terrible about myself. I know I have been unhappy, but I relate that to my excess weight. However, it's easy to not be happy when someone tells you that you are out of touch with reality. You really start to doubt your already lowered self esteem and withdraw even more.

When you walk 2 feet and your lower back hurts so bad you have to sit down, one can't be happy. When you walk slowly around the mall and your face gets so red that someone would think you just ran a marathon, one can't be happy. When you can't sit up in bed without rolling over first, one can't be happy. When you can't tie your sneakers by yourself, one can't be happy. When you have 10 different sizes of jeans in your closet, one can't be happy. I am tired of having my weight, weigh me down. If anyone else has ever felt this way, then you can relate to how I am feeling.

I know that this surgery isn't going to solve everything. I know that I have to change my diet. I know that change HAS to be forever. My wish is that through this process I find who I truly am. I am so thankful that my family is able to put their emotional feelings behind them and support me. I am not sure I could have made it through it without them. I truly am blessed to have a wonderful family.

When I receive the date of the surgery I will post that along with a picture and my starting weight (as bad as it might be). I want this to be a journey of weight loss and re-birth. This is my chance.

Until next time........................