Hate isn't the answer

There are no words to describe the horror of the Orlando massacre. I woke up to the news that Orlando, my home when I was in college, had suffered the deadliest shooting massacre in the United States. I have tried to make sense of it all day. I haven't been able to concentrate. Additionally, when the number of victims increased, I remembered how I felt on 9/11.

When is this going to stop? All this hate. We point fingers instead of looking at ourselves. We are all responsible for our own behavior. We can't control anyone else, but we can control how we respond to others.

In the coming days, there is going to be a tidal wave of emotions that descend upon us. Each one of us needs to support one another.This attack has effected each one of us in some way. Let's choose to end this cycle of hate and violence. Let's come together because UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL. It's time to remember why our forefathers created this great nation.

I pray for all involved. I pray for all the police, paramedic, fire fighters, and medical staff who worked HARD to protect each of us not only last night but each and every day. I pray that each therapist that will work with these affected people find the words to support each of these people.

I have so much to say but I am speechless at the same time.

Until next time....

It's just a word

Autism...IEP...My son is more than the words written on paper. He is funny, outgoing, lovable, and sometimes difficult. We all can be difficult. I mean he is 5 years old. When did our children have to stop being children and perform like they are adults?

The expectations at school have grown out of proportion. We are now making decisions in Kindergarten for children that somehow we as parents feel will affect the rest of their lives. Choice schools, charter schools, homeschooling, private schools...I want to scream because these are not decisions that need to be made at the age of five. When we were kids we just went to the school that we were zoned for. Now there are applications and lotteries to get into THE school. Geez, these kids are just that kids.

I see kids on a daily basis that are anxious, depressed, and lost. Yes, I said lost. They don't even know how to make some of the simplest decisions or they have so much on their plate that they don't know how to relax. When did our society turn into this? High schoolers are now taking college level courses in 9th grade. In 9th grade, I was worried about whether a boy was going to like me. College was in the back of my mind.

Ok...let me explain where this rant is stemming from. My son will be starting Kindergarten in August. I put an application in for a local charter school that has an amazing reputation. I believe that Gage would flourish in this environment. I had to turn in a copy of his IEP. I received a message today that he was ineligible due to the services his IEP requires - an IEP that was written in May 2015. I get it. The IEP is meant to protect Gage and provide services for him to be successful. But how can you make a determination off of a plan that was written last May for a child that is in a constant state of development. I would hope that any educator would be aware of child development and how quickly a child can change.

So maybe I am a little biased. But I think about all the children I see in my office weekly. The struggles their parents have with the school system. When did it become them versus us? I hold the belief that teachers play an extremely important role in our children's lives. I still remember specific teachers that touched me throughout my years in school. I know there are still those teachers like that. I have worked with them. I know they exist. Why can't we all work together for the benefit of these amazing little people and help them to flourish - even the ones with challenges. We all have challenges.

I don't want any parent to feel like I did today - helpless. My son is AWESOME because of all of his challenges and strengths. I only hope that others can see it in him.

Until next time...

Life and Lemons

I don't even know where to start this blog. It's been a little while since I have blogged...mostly because things have been going well and I have been crazy busy.

There has recently been some very good things happen and some not so good things happen in my life.  While I am trying to focus on the positive, it is very hard to not allow the negative to seep in. I wear my mask and in my moments of weakness, I embrace the flood of emotions that overtake me. I have learned a great deal about myself and others during this time - some things surprised me others did not. I realize you are only as strong as you have to be and sometimes that is pretty damn strong. I also learned that sometimes life can be derailed at any given moment, but that it is how you pick up the pieces that makes all the difference.

I can't change the past, nor would I ever want to. Life is sort of like a series of dominoes and until you make changes, they keep falling. We all play a part when something goes wrong. I don't believe that it is ever just one person's fault. Each one of us is a domino and it is up to us to play responsibly. With that said, I keep my focus forward and pray that each day gets easier and easier.

At this point, I want the positive changes to overshadow the negative ones.  I have been given the most amazing opportunity and been able to realize a life long goal - an office play room. I am so grateful for the opportunity and for the ability to give so many children and families the experience of play therapy. This will be what I hold on to. This is my happy place. I have also taken steps to pursue my PhD. Sometimes I think I should have my head examined but this is a goal I have had for a long time and I would love to realize it.

With Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I want to take the time to thank some amazing people in my life. Each one of them knows who they are and without them I am not sure I would have been able to get through the past few weeks. To them, I am extremely grateful an indebted to. It is in times of crisis that you see a person's true self.

Until next time...

Letting Go

There are times in our lives that define us. I have learned over the years that letting go of trying to control situations ALWAYS yields better results. I am not quite sure why I still try to control every situation...must be my OCD.

I believe that we are all put on this Earth to serve a purpose. I have always known that my purpose was to help others. It has been a lifelong dream of mine to be in private practice. Over the years the practicality of being employed somewhere always won out. I had my "excuses" - I needed health insurance, I have so much flexibility, it's too hard to start my own practice. Well it's time for me to rise above those excuses. 

At the beginning of this year I gave myself a goal. This goal was to be in private practice by the end of 2014. At some point this year, I put that goal on the back burner again. I was just going to give up on my dream. Little did I know that by relinquishing control I was actually helping myself. It is said that you can't force a square into a circle...what I have learned is that you can when that circle is big enough. 

So here we are 2 months left in the year and I am about to take the biggest leap of faith in my life. I am going to realize a lifelong dream. I know I need to do this now because I don't want to look back and always regret not trying. Even if I hit the ground face first at least I tried. I'm sure I will hear Jill telling me to get up and put my big girl panties on.

These past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. When I boarded the plane bound for Boston to honor and remember Jill, I was not quite sure how I was going to get through. However, Jill let me know she was with us as she always seems to do. Jill always had that way about her. She was so charismatic you couldn't help but to be drawn in. Whether you knew her for 5 minutes or 25 years, she had a lasting effect on you. She always wanted you to think that everything was going to be alright...even if it wasn't. 

The Gala was amazing and everything Jill loved. It was nice let loose and celebrate Jill. The Live Learn Breathe Foundation will be granting a $10,000 scholarship to a child with Cystic Fibrosis to help with college expenses. Jill always loved school and learning. I hope this scholarship can instill that in another. 

Thank you to Courtney, Suzanne, Kate, and Cynthia for all of their hard work. Jill is definitely smiling down on you guys!

Until next time...

Never Forget

As I sit here tonight on the eve of the day that shattered the way I viewed the world, I have so many emotions. I can't believe its been 13 years...it feels like yesterday. I remember clearly that Tuesday morning, probably more clearly than any other memory. I was at work at a staff meeting. I will never forget the raw feelings of that day. Watching TV for days...wanting, needing answers.

Every single American has their own memories of that day. I will never forget the feeling of being unsafe. For my entire life, I didn't know war. I only knew stories. This single act of terrorism shattered my sense of safety and security.

I had visited my friend Kelli in NYC the month prior to September 11th. That was definitely a trip to remember. She worked blocks from the World Trade Center. I will never forget going to see the Statute of Liberty on the ferry and the picture of the towers. There is a cloud covering the towers. It is very ominous. I still have that picture today.

September 11th will forever be etched in our memories. We can't allow these terrorists to win. We need to honor the lives those men and women lost that day. So tomorrow, do something nice for someone, say thank you to the men and women in uniform (any uniform). Let's unite as a nation!

Until next time...

Reminders

I know it's been a few months since I've posted. It's crazy how fast time flies by without you even realizing it. It's been a busy summer here in our household and now we are settling into the school year. Gage is still attending Pre-K at Loxahatchee Groves Elementary and Jillian started daycare. She is doing ok except for the daily screaming when I drop her off. But I am sure she will eventually get used to it.

Today is the one year anniversary of Operation Queen B Ash and Dash. I can say without a doubt that  those memories are some of the best and I will cherish them. I know Jill was smiling down on us that night. I was reminded again of her presence today. I found a small white feather by the leg of. My dining room table. Interestingly, it was the same table I bought when I lived in Plymouth with Jill. I know. She was telling me that she is still around even if it's been awhile since she's let me know. It couldn't have come at a more perfect time.

I was reminded this past week that the grief ninja can strike at anytime and any place. You would think I would be a pro at this. I am not sure that anyone becomes a pro no matter what specialized training they have. I have learned so much of what to say to grieving people. I will never tell a grief stricken person that it will get easier with time. Because I have learned that it doesn't get easier, it just becomes a new "normal". Telling them it gets easier makes the person feel like they are crazy when the pain doesn't subside. Everyone grieves differently and in their own time. Who am I to say what another persons grief looks like. I only know my own pain and grief.

I made a decision about 2 weeks ago to change some VERY BAD habits. I was introduced to Advocare by a good friend. At first, I thought there is no way this is going to work for me, but I was desperate. I was feeling like shit and tired ALL the time. I knew something had to change so I was willing to give it a try. I started their 24 Day Challenge. I couldn't believe the difference in how I felt after 1 day. I am not bullshitting anyone. I have not felt this good in years...probably not since right after I lost all my weight after my gastric bypass surgery. I have so much energy and I feel a huge difference in my clothes. I can't wait to weigh myself and do my measurements in 6 days. This is definitely something I can stick to.

Tomorrow is battle day in our household...Patriots vs. Dolphins. One of us will not be a happy person at the end of that game. So I am going to go to bed and try to get some rest before the showdown.

Until next time...

Grief - Put it on a leash

I have been meaning to sit down and write for the past couple of days. However, I just haven’t been able to find the time. Although that is not completely true. I can find the time to surf the net or play my stupid games. I find the time to sit and watch a movie with the family. I find the time to play with my little ones. So, I would have to change that to I have been avoiding it.

I have written this blog in my head about 20 different ways. I just go blank when I sit down to type it out. But here goes…

Father’s Day – A day that I always wished would somehow disappear. It was a reminder to me of what was gone, what I missed out on. It took me awhile to reframe how I was looking at the situation. While it still makes my heart ache that my father never was able to see me grow up, walk me down the aisle, or will never hold his grandchildren, I know that he is with me and sees all.  

As a therapist, I know that grief is sloppy and there are instructions of how it works. From experience, I know that grief can be like a ninja and sometimes just attack when you least expect it.  This was what I experienced on Sunday. 

For reasons that are still not clear, I was on the verge of tears all day. I decided I needed to go for a drive when Jillian went down for her nap. To give David some quiet time, I took Gage with me. On the drive, Reba McEntire’s song “The Greatest Man I Never Knew” came on. That was it….water works time.

 I was (and still am) sad that my children will never have experiences the grandfather that I was so lucky to experience. Both of my grandfathers were amazing people. Grandpa Robinson would take us to the corner store and buy us candy. Then he would piggy back carry us to the car and say to me “Who’s gonna carry Carrie”. I hated it then, but would love to hear it one more time. Gramps (Hooks) would sit and tell us stories. Since I love history, this was great for me. I am so glad he did because I now have those stories locked in my memory to tell my kids.

My point to all of this is that my children don’t have this chance to make these memories. I can’t bring my dad back...if I could I would in a heartbeat. So on that drive, I made a promise to myself. Grief will come and I will let it. However, I will keep it on a leash. If it has to be around, it will be on my terms.  Yes, it may still sneak up on me when I least expect it and that is ok. I realize that we never really “move on” and that time really doesn’t make it better. It just becomes more bearable. We learn how to “leash” our grief.

 I will help create memories for my children. They won’t be like my memories and that’s ok because it is their life and their experiences. I know that they will cherish those memories just as I cherish all of my memories from childhood.

Until next time…

Progress

I know it's been awhile since I've posted...life has been busy. Gage is doing well. He has made such progress since starting school. I have so much gratitude for his teachers. He is talking...ALOT! He is doing great with potty training. We still have our issues here and there but overall he is making great progress.

I look at my sweet boy and can't help but wonder how he would be if he could fully communicate with us. There are days I want to pull my hair out and I hate Autism. But I also understand that without Autism I wouldn't have my amazingly unique little guy. He helps me see the world differently. He reminds me that it is ok to do things differently. He has the most amazing smile and it can instantly change my mood.

Jillian is doing great as well. It is amazing to me how different she is from Gage. She loves her big brother. She gets so excited when he gets off the bus. It's the cutest thing. She is 15 months now and isn't really saying any words. This of course is a scary thing for me. I see vast differences in her development from Gage's. She is babbling and trying to say words. She shows interest in everyone and everything. If she isn't saying anything in a month I will have her evaluated for a speech delay. Hopefully she will start talking soon. I know I will regret that at some point.

I have learned that it is easy to get caught up in life and forget or miss the little things. I am still trying to figure out how to juggle that. I don't want to miss those little things. Tomorrow isn't promised to us and I want to "see" all the little things. It's the little things that add up to make the big things. I am grateful for. This path. It's not always easy but it's no different than someone else's path. We all have struggles. It's those struggles that make us who we are. I am far from perfect. I make mistakes...all the time. I just want to be the best parent and advocate for my children...like every other parent. Our struggle is Autism...someone else's struggle might be cancer or mental health. The paths are different but the same.

Until next time...

Celebrating

Today we celebrated the kids’ birthdays. We held the celebration at a nearby park. I was hoping that this would be beneficial for Gage. I’m not sure I fully thought that out. After several days of “cold” weather, I think everyone was at the park…ok not really. However, there were several parties going on at the same time as ours. This turned out to be very interesting. Gage had no problem going into all the pavilions and helping himself to what they had.  He ran up to virtually everyone at the park and interacted with them on some level. For his dad and me, we cheer this. Luckily, there were understanding people at the park. To everyone at Royal Palm Beach Commons Park today between the hours of 1-4 pm, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. There is always so much anxiety that I have going out because I never know how Gage is going to react to situations.  I mean I can try to anticipate and control for as much as I can but I am not always able to do that 100% of the time. So, to all those people sitting on the grass as Gage came running onto your blankets – Thank you. He loves to run and be chased. Unfortunately, he doesn’t always understand when to stop. To the couple with the bicycle who allowed Gage to play numerous times with the bike never becoming frustrated with him – I thank you. To the party that was going on in Pavilion 19 – thank you for allowing him to “crash” your party. I cannot begin to explain how thankful I was for all the understanding.

Gage has been doing amazingly well. The words that he is using every day have multiplied. I can’t even begin to remember all the words. Some I didn’t even realize he knew. While this helps with us being able to communicate with him, he still has his moments where we have no idea what he is trying to tell us. He has also started to be more social. He will tell me “hold hand mommy”. This generally means he wants to show me something. Just hearing my sweet boy say “mommy” will never get old. I waited almost 3 years to hear that word. I had said I wouldn’t complain when he started talking and I won’t. I love every word that comes out of his mouth.

Jillian turns 1 tomorrow. I am not sure I will have the time to write this tomorrow so I am writing this tonight. I can hardly believe that my little girl is turning 1. She truly completes our family. I will never forget the day I gave birth to her. When I looked at her, I knew immediately she was “Jillian”. I will always remember calling Jill after her birth to tell her the name. She had taken such interest in naming this little bundle of joy…She even mailed me a long list of names. In the end, we decided that Jillian was what suited her. Jill’s reaction was normal Jill and will stay with me forever. While she never met Jillian, I know she is with her every day. I miss her.

Until next time…

It takes a Village

I have learned a lot throughout my life. As a rule, I try to learn something new all the time. However, what I don’t like learning is things that affect my life negatively. One of those things is that I can only rely on myself. I know I say that with the absolute word “only”. I don’t mean 100% of the time. I would say 98% of the time. I haven’t been able to figure out why that is exactly because I always try to be supportive of others. It’s why I do what I do for work.

Personally, I have always had a difficult time asking for help…in other words I pretty much don’t ask until I am hanging by a thread and it is unraveling. I understand how important it is to take care of yourself and your relationships. I also know that divorce is VERY common among parents with children that have special needs. We have a child that needs extra support and understanding. Therefore, it makes it difficult to leave him with “just anyone” for extended periods of time. With Gage, things have to be done differently. You can’t reason with him like every other 3 year old. We pick our battles with him and usually those battles are for BIG things. For instance, right now we are focusing on potty training. That is the one area I don’t back down on with him even if it results in a 45 minute (or more) meltdown because he does NOT want to sit on the potty.  Anyways, I seemed to have digressed. My ADHD is kicking today.

I realize that support is imperative when raising any child, especially a child with special needs. It can be very stressful and you need that reconnection with your spouse. For example, Gage just started Pre-K (which he is adjusting fairly well…that’s a whole new entry) this week. It has been very crazy getting him adjusted to a different schedule. It has been nothing short of a miracle that I have been able to have him in bed AND asleep before 9 pm every night (thanks Melatonin). My point is during our days there is never really any time for my husband and me to connect. He leaves the house early for work and usually is gone until late in the evening. By the time he gets home, its dinner time and then he is ready for bed to start the whole routine over again the next day.

My question is what do people do if they have limited support? Because I am trying to figure it out.

Until next time…

Happy Birthday Gage!

Well I am 2 days late posting this but better late than never. January is my month of birthdays. It all starts off with Gage, then David, and finally Jillian. I am seriously considering celebrating the kids half birthdays.

I can't believe that my little boy is 3 already. I don't think I will ever forget his birth. He gave me quite the scare breaking my water 6 weeks early. Luckily, he only had to spend a few days in the NICU. At the time, I would have told you I was not going to go through that again. I have never been so scared. There were seriously more hospital staff in my room that day that I wasn't sure if we could fit anyone else in. If there was one thing I learned that day is that God is definitely in control. Well maybe I didn't learn it just then, but I was definitely reminded of it. I am not sure I have ever prayed so hard. My little guy came into this world all 4 lbs 14 oz with his own agenda and he has lived up to that. He definitely is not taking the road more traveled. He is carving his own way and teaching me along the way. He never ceases to amaze me. He has gone from not saying anything at all to saying words that I didn't even think he knew. He can count to 20 (with a little help). I would not trade it for anything in the world. He may not look at me all the time but when he does it makes me all the more happier. I never take for granted the little things. I waited to hear him say "Mommy" for almost 3 years and now I can't hear it enough. I always smile even when I feel like I could lose it. He does the sweetest stuff and says the most adorable things.

This week marks another chapter beginning for him. He will start a Pre-K class at an elementary school. He will be in an Autism class and I only hope that it helps him socially. I am starting to see him interact more with us and with other children as well. But he continues to stay to himself. He is also engaging in more pretend play.  David got him a little grill for his birthday and he immediately started to play with the food and prepare it. I know that God has great things in store for him. He has certainly already taught me a lot.

Until next time...

Reflections

As I sit here watching the New Years Eve specials on TV, I am reflecting on 2013. This year has been one wild roller coaster. Some of the twists and turns were expected. Others took me by complete surprise. In January, my sweet baby girl joined this world and made my family complete. She has been my ray of sunshine when I have needed it the most. I never could have known then how profound her birth would be.

The months seemed to fly by with all the craziness of life. Gage had his therapy to help with his speech and I wasn't ever sure if I was ever going to hear my sweet baby boy say "Mommy". I now hear it daily a million times and I don't think I will ever tire of it. His speech has improved significantly. Everyday I hear new words. Tonight, he counted to 20 with me. Gage was evaluated in August for Autism. I fought the diagnosis but in October I relented in order to get him the services that could help him. I am excited for the road that lies ahead of him in the coming year. I love him more than anything in the world and I only hope I can help him grow into an amazing young man.

In July, I lost a very dear friend, Jill Balboni. She had lived with Cystic Fibrosis her whole life and struggled to breathe daily. Jillian is named after her. I am so happy that Jill was able to see this. I am saddened that she never was able to meet Jillian in person. I do know that Jill is with us everyday. I look at Jillian and all I think about is Jill. Oh and it helps that Jillian has taken to shoes and sparkly things. These were some of Jill's favorite things. With Jill's passing, I was reminded that life is short. I know we all know this but I think that sometimes its easy to forget in the hustle and bustle of life. In Jill fashion, she reconnected many of her friends. I was also able to get to know others that I never had the opportunity to for whatever reason. I am grateful for that. Jill taught me so many things. I am not sure if I could even recall all of it. Jill was an amazing person. I am so lucky to have had her in my life.

Reflecting on everything that has occurred in 2013, I am excited to move into 2014. I feel like there is so much  opportunity ahead of me and my family. I am excited to see how my children grow and flourish. Life is  a journey not a destination. Happiness is not something you search for...you create it in yourself. No one can make you happy but yourself. The experiences we have in life are meant to teach us and help us grow. It's all about perspective. With that said, this year my resolutions are going to be for me to live in the moment and slow down. I don't want to miss a thing with my children and family.

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy New Year!

Until next time...

Eligibility

So today was Gage's eligibility meeting for services through the school board. David and I were very happy with the results. He will be going to a PreK program at an elementary school for a full day starting in January. He will also get speech during his day. This is a huge relief to me. I know that he will get what he needs on a daily basis and hopefully he will start to interact socially more. Overall, Gage is in the average range for his intelligence. He continues to have a big discrepancy between is receptive and expressive language. He understands far more than he can express. Every day it is getting better.

I know that we are lucky. Gage is not severe. This has definitely opened my eyes not only as a parent but as a clinician. I am very careful not to label anymore. The diagnosis does not define who you are as a person. Gage is not autistic. He has autism. There is a big difference. Gage is an amazing child who loves cars, trains, and planes. Autism never will define him as a person. He will learn to cope with the symptoms and do great things in life. As will every other child with Autism.

Until next time....

Little things

Well November is over and of course I failed to list what I was grateful for daily. I realized that even though I didn't acknowledge out loud (or in writing)  what I was grateful for didn't mean that I wasn't thinking about it. Actually I thought about it all day pretty much everyday...I was just too Exhausted to write it out.

I think this is the most valuable thing I've learned an I am thankful for.  I've learned to stop and notice the little things. Gage has taught me that. Tonight I was brought almost to tears by Gage. We were driving (ok I was driving) and all of sudden he says "red light stop" "green light go". I couldn't believe my ears. You see Gage never says anything when we are in the car even if I try to engage him. Most times I end up having a conversation with myself. So hearing him say 3 words together brought tears to my eyes...to be able to communicate with my son is so precious to me. I don't take that for granted. So to carry on any type of conversation with him is more valuable to me than anything else in this world.

November has been an eye opener for me. I have done a lot of soul searching and realized a lot (although I could do without the anxiety and mini panic attacks). I know that there are lessons to be learned in all of my experiences and I am trying wholeheartedly to open myself up to it. I am really trying to let go of what I can not control. It is definitely a daily struggle. I just know that is have to live with myself and my decisions and if I'm ok with that then nothing else matters. Life is constantly changing. We all have our paths that we must take. Just remember to try not to judge others unless you have walked in their shoes. I am trying to remember this for myself.

Gage has definitely taught me so much more than I have taught him and I am so thankful for this gift. Life is short and I have been reminded of this all to much recently. Make the most of each day given to you.

Until next time...

What I have learned (so far)

I realize everyday that I am constantly being reminded that I really don't know anything and I am always learning. Here are just some of those things that I have learned.

• ...that life with kids is fast and there is no way to slow it down.
• ...that planning can sometimes be a complete waste of time because there are times when nothing will go as you planned it and it really is OK.
• ...that perception is everything to a person and I may not be able to help them (or myself) see things differently.
• ...that relationships are fragile and sometimes we have to handle them with care.
• ...that it's really easy as a mom to get lost (and I don't mean sense of direction).
• ...that I really miss those who are no longer here very much.
• ...that sometimes my kids are way smarter than me. 
• ...that sometimes (ok most of the time) I take myself to seriously.
• ...that I need to remember to play.
• ...that I may be wrong sometimes (not often).
• ...that tag teaming can be very effective and helpful to a parent's sanity.
• ...that I don't always have to have the answers.
• ...that some people will never understand until they walk in your shoes and my shoes are small so they may never understand.
• ...that as much as I would like to change the world I have to start with myself and trust God to do the BIG stuff.

I have slacked on the whole grateful thing, but I realize that I am grateful everyday for everything around me both good and not so good. I am grateful to have the experiences I have everyday and I have had thus far in my life. I have been so lucky to come across amazing people who have taught me so much. I know that I have taken for granted those experiences.

I feel so privileged that God chose me to be Gage's mommy and every time I hear that sweet word come out of his mouth, I melt. I think the most important thing I have learned and I am reminded of daily is to not take the little things for granted. And I think it is this that I am most thankful for.

Until next time...

What I am Grateful for

I can't believe that November is here already. I am not sure where the year has gone but it's almost over. Usually during the month of November I do 30 days of what I am grateful for. I have always just posted this on Facebook. This year I am going to blog it. I know I am a day behind so I am going to talk about 2 thing that I am grateful for.

Day 1 - I am grateful for my family. My family is amazing. I knew that this was what I always wanted. We are not perfect but we make it work. I would not trade this for anything.

Day 2 - I am grateful for my education. My education allows me to give back and help others. It also helps me to advocate for Gage.

I know that I should take time daily to acknowledge the good in my life and what I am grateful for. I always try to consciously do that. But like all things life seems to take over. It's easy to get wrapped up in what we are doing on a daily basis. I have realized that I need to look at those things more often because it helps me to remain positive when I tend to want to bitch and complain about the little things.

So for the next 28 days I will (hopefully) put up at least one thing I am grateful for.

Until next time...

Grateful

I just got home from Trick or Treating with Gage, Jillian, Brionna, and some of her friends. I have to say as much anxiety that I gave myself over it, it actually turned out pretty good. Gage was bug. He doesn't like anything on his head or his face so we had to get creative. His grandparents (David's parents) got him a shirt that had a hood on it and it was a bug. So we used that and put him in black pants. I was not really caring what anyone thought and I dared them to say anything. I was very surprised and happy at how the whole experience went. We went to the first house and Gage wanted to just run right in. He eventually figured it out and it was really cute. He would run up to the door and put his pumpkin down. Then he would knock on the door and wait by his pumpkin. He would then attempt to say "Trick or Treat". If the people would let him pick the candy he actually would only take one piece. Everyone was so nice and would actually give him more. I am so relieved. I was afraid I was going to have to "educate" people. Luckily, it went smoothly. The plan was to only go for a few houses and we ended up going for almost 2 hours. There were no meltdowns and he followed directions.

I am one happy momma. It's the little things. Things that not every parent thinks about that mean the most to us. It's put life in perspective for me. We only have one life. We need to make the best of this journey. It's very easy to forget that with the hustle and bustle of life. But we need to remember to SLOW DOWN and take time to smell the roses and everything else around...even if it's not pleasant. Life is about the experiences and the memories...good and bad.

So with that I want to say Thank you to all those wonderful people we came across tonight that were understanding when Gage tried to come into their home, when he didn't look at their faces, when he used his sign for "thank you" instead of saying the word. I am grateful that this was a good experience for Gage and his sisters. That is what it is all about.

Until next time....

Perfection...

As I sit here trying to think about what to write, I want to say Thank You. Thank you to all that have reached out to me and said kind words. Thank you for supporting me and my family through this. Thank you for not saying anything because sometimes there are no words and just acknowledging that can go a long way.

Life is about all the moments we have and experience. Every path we walk is put in front of us for a reason. Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way. We spend (myself included) so much time holding on to crap that just needs to be let go of. That crap only hinders the person holding on to it. It has absolutely no effect on the other person. Gage has taught me so much and I am continually learning from him. I realize that this path we are walking down is full of unknowns and I'm learning to be ok with that and to get out of the way.

We were carving the pumpkin last night and David asked me if I had the stencil. I looked at him and replied. I'm not perfect and neither is Gage so we are going to have an imperfect pumpkin. He proceeded to draw the pumpkin face with no stencil and you know what...it's PERFECT! Gage smiled and laughed when we lit it up and that my friends is perfection. That is what it's all about. I was not really into Halloween this year and that changed it right there. Who cares if Gage is not wearing costumes like all the other kids. He's doing his own thing. I a going to cherish every moment and educate all I come across. If they want to be judgmental, that's on them not me. 

This journey is not at all what I expected but in life do things always turn out how we expect them to?   I am going to learn to let go of my expectations and I will follow his lead. After all it is his life, I am merely the guide God chose to help him along the way. Ultimately, Gage will do what he was sent to the Earth to do...not what I want him to do. I ask for strength on this path because I know it's going to test me, but I am ready

Until next time.....

The Appointment

I woke up this morning wishing I had slept more. It seems Jillian is liking to wake up for a bottle in the middle of the night or like last night 2 bottles. Luckily, Gage slept great. He also woke up fairly easily (usually he is a grump if I have to wake him up). So I got everything together for the appointment. I got Gage up first and made sure he ate breakfast. I wanted no issues.

We left right on time and made our way down to the Dan Marino Center. We got there early because I'm afraid of being late. I had packed everything I could think of to entertain Gage. It seemed I didn't need any of it at first as there was a train on the wall and he played with that for awhile. We were finally called back and met with the neurologist, Dr. Carlos Gadia. He immediately started to try to interact with Gage. He was even on the floor with him! I was very impressed.

After observing and interacting with him for a bit, it was time to talk. Gage was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. The doctor said he is high functioning as he is very intelligent. He pointed out the decreased eye contact and him wanting to really play on his own. These are all things I see. He did order an MRI, EEG, and some blood work to rule out anything medical. We will see him again in January after he starts school.

I haven't really had time to process it all. It's overwhelming. I realized today that this isn't about me. This is about making Gage's journey through this life his! His path is just going to be different. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. He also has plans for each of us. I may not understand now, but I trust Him. I just ask for strength on this journey. "Sometimes what we can't change ends up changing us."

Gage will always be my perfect little boy. I wouldn't change him for anything in the world. I love seeing the world through his eyes because it's different than my view and I learn new things. Thank you to everyone who reached out to me today. The support really helped.

Until next time...

The Night Before

I'm sitting with Gage in his room waiting for him to fall asleep and I am thinking about tomorrow. When I scheduled this appointment for him 2 months ago, I didn't realize the date I had scheduled it for as I just took the first available appointment. I know now that Jill had to have a hand in it...tomorrow marks 3 months since she left this Earth in her body form. I say it that way because I know she is still here. Life sometimes gets so busy we miss the subtle signs and then BAM! In your face...she doesn't let me forget. So as I sit here thinking about what tomorrow's appointment for Gage might bring, I'm reminded that no matter what it will be ok. It's just a word, right.

We've had some small successes with Gage this week with eating. He unfortunately is like his mommy with his eating...very picky. His diet generally consists of pancakes, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, chicken nuggets, bananas, applesauce, and Mac and cheese. On Sunday, he asked for an egg. I thought he was kidding, but he kept asking. So I asked. Him if he wanted to eat the egg and he told me yes. So I made it crossing my fingers that he would eat it. Sure enough he ate at least half of it. I wanted to do a dance. Then today I came home and noticed an almost gone granola bar. It would seem that he asked for it as well and ate it. I'm so happy. It's the small things that everyone else takes for granted that I celebrate and cheer when I see them. Over the past several weeks, Gage has become more affectionate with us. I notice that he is interacting more often than he had in the past. This too I celebrate.

Life is short and I'm reminded not to take myself so seriously. Somewhere along the way I forgot that I need to have fun. Life and responsibilities have put up road blocks. Sometimes we all need reminders....I have Jill.

So I sit here the night before I know it is going to be ok.

Until next time...