Well Jill is in the hospital again. I feel bad because I have been very moody lately. Itsjust very difficult. I know she feels like she isn't doing anything but she does more than she thinks. Sometimes I feel like I am not doing anything right around the house. Ok...so I like piles and they are sometimes all over the place...well most of the time all over the place. I just feel like I don't have enough space and that I don't have space that is mine. She is always worried that her mom is going to have a comment to say and then I get the backlash from that. Living in a roommate situation is so difficult. I enjoy living with Jill, plus I am not sure how many people would put up with me for this long. Anyways, maybe we both just need a little break. I am looking to meet some more people up here. I still don't have any friends that I hang out with besides Jill. The people I work with I haven't done anything with. I am not too good at this meeting new people thing. Match.com doesn't really seem to be working for me. I don't know may be there is something with me that I need to work on and thats why I can't seem to meet anybody. Weight loss is going ok....this past week and this week has been rough. I have been stressed and when that happens I eat. However I don't have much money (none) so I am sure that I will lose a couple of pounds. Unfortunately, I have learned my mother's ways in budgeting and am terrible at it. It makes living stress-free difficult. Living paycheck to paycheck is not fun...I am almost 30....I should be doing better than this. Hopefully I can get on track. Needless to say worrying about money doesn't help the anxiety situation....it actually has increased my anxiety attacks. Not a good thing. I hope that Jill feels better....I worry about her...Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Until later.......

This was the scene when I took Scooter out on Tuesday of this week. It was very pretty.

This basket is full of our winter wear - gloves, scarves and hats. Scooter has adopted it as a sleep place. I suppose it is warm and comfortable for him.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!! I want to wish everyone a happy turkey day. We all have a lot to be thankful for. I am thankful that I am actually losing some weight. I have been on weight watchers for 2 weeks and I have lost 6 pounds!!!!!! This makes me very happy. I am working towards my goal weight but I am doing this slowly. I have changed my mindset to just stay on track and not really look at the pounds I lose. I know that I can do this and I will succeed. This is my first Thanksgiving away from my family and it is a little weird. But Thanksgiving hasn't really been the same with my family for a while. Times change and with that so do the traditions. I decided at the beginning of this year that I was going to creat new traditions and I am trying to do this. Today is Scooter's 1st birthday. He received a Christmas collar from Detroit Joe and Auntie Jilly. He was so excited. I will post a picture of us later today. Until later.....

Ok. So it has been a long, long time since I have posted any blogs. I have been crazy busy. I have had so much going on in my life. I went to Nashville for the Association for Play Therapy conference. It was good. I also started teaching an undergraduate course this week. I am loving every second of it. Scooter has to have surgery. I guess he had a broken bone in his hind leg and I didn't know. Well now he is limping, so he is having surgery November14th.

Last Saturday, it snowed here. :) Nothing major, but it was so pretty. Now it has warmed up a little bit. The dog is not too sure about the snow. But I am sure he will be playing in it soon enough.

Ok. So I have been having a ton of wierd dreams. Especially dreams about my ex-boyfriends. So, knowing you can virtually any type of information on the web, I set out to do some searches. And to my surprise, he is married. My heart sunk into my stomach. I mean I know it is for the better. I guess I just want to know when it is going to be my turn. Everyone tells you to stop looking and that when the time is right it will happen. However, I am starting to wonder if it will ever happen.

Anyways...I will write some more later.

Well nothing like a reality check. I received my results of my blood work and my sugar was high. The doctor is going to retest it in 3 months, but until then I am supposed to be watching my sugar intake. Pretty scary. I know I need to make better decisions when it comes to food. I just find it so difficult. I get these cravings and they can be so overpowering. I am trying though. I have to for my health. I definitely don't like needles so I don't want to have to give myself insulin. That wouldn't be very good.

Work has been picking back up. I am starting to mentor new employees. I am meeting with the Director of the Attleboro campus of Fisher College on Thursday. I am hoping that I can start teaching some undergraduate courses. We will see.

Well I am feeling crappy....there's a lovely cold going around up here. So I am going to rest. Until later..........

I know, I know, I haven't been blogging lately. I have been really busy.

Last Thursday, I went to Patriots season opening game. It was an early birthday present from my aunt and uncle and the kids. I had so much fun. Of course the Patriots won 30-20.

I have to say that I think most of the time I live in a fantasy world. I don't mean that I am out of touch reality, I just mean that what I don't know won't hurt me. I went to the doctors about 2 weeks ago for my physical (finally). I would have to say that I have been avoiding it. In part because I didn't want to hear about my blood pressure or my weight. And of course, I heard about both. My blood pressure is 120/90. So the doctor added a blood pressure medicine. I know I have to lose weight so that my blood pressure goes down, but I am just at a complete loss of motivation. The doctor also did a complete blood workup and I should be hearing about the results this week. I guess I am in for a reality check. I guess I can't keep living oblivious to my health. We will have to see.

I have to get to work now, so until later........

Well today was an okay day. I guess I can't complain too much considering the devastation in Louisiana and Mississippi. I have a cousin (one of my favorites I must add) that lives in Philadelphia, MS. As far as I have heard, she is without power. I pray for all of those people. I am moved though to want to do more than just donate money. I know that is what they need the most. However, I think of the trauma responses and even those helping are going to need support. I am having difficulty finding out how to volunteer for crisis counseling. But I am not giving up, I will figure it out. Well on to another developing and ongoing saga, my battle. I went to the doctor's today (finally). I have an ear infection to start off with. My blood pressure is not getting any better 120/90. So I was started on another medication :( This doesn't make me happy and is a little discouraging. However, I am trying really hard. Right now I have to do a 12 hour fast so that I can have blood drawn tomorrow to test for everything and I mean everything. I also had to get a tetanus shot. Not fun if anyone knows me and my GIAGANTIC fear of needles. But at least it is done for the next 10 years. Jill has been dealing with me fairly well and I know I am an annoying and whiney sick person. I am also struggling with the decision about my doctorate degree. I am terrified that I won't get in, which is a fairly big reality because of the competitive nature of grad school. I have been contemplating an online university. But something makes me uncomfortable about it. I also need to increase my self confidence when it comes to my writing. I am so worried that I can never get anywhere. And then I am overly critical and can never get anything on the paper. I know I am smart. I know I can do it. I just don't understand what holds me back. Anyways, I am tired and my ear hurts. So, until tomorrow.........

Well today was relatively successful. I earned 3 out of 4 stars. The one I am slacking in is exercise. So I am going to try harder. It was terrible weather today ~ rain, rain and more rain. However, I want to count my blessings that I wasn't in the path of Hurricane Katrina. I also want to pray for all of those devastated by the destruction she caused.

To kind of fill in the blanks over the past week or so....Work has been very difficult. I have a few cases that it is very hard for me to separate from. And I have had to file some abuse reports. Not ever a fun thing to do.

Well its late and I am tired. Until tomorrow........

Ok so I am a big time slacker!!!!!! I have been so busy and not had enough time to blog. I am sorry to those who read it. I devised a new behavioral plan for myself to help me get back on track...it's called Carrie's Star Chart. I know it is a little childish, but if it works then why try anything else. Basically, I earn stars for engaging in 4 behaviors that will help me lose weight ~ drinking shakes, drinking water, eating a healthy dinner and exercising for at least 20 minutes. At the end of 6 weeks, if I have earned a certain amount of stars I earn my Nike Shox shoes. So I am starting this tomorrow. I hope it works.

Well I know this is short and I promise to get back on track blogging, but I need to get to bed. So until tomorrow.......

Well I had a very busy week and weekend. I am taking this course on barnesandnoble.com for simplifying your life. So, since I still haven't really settled in to my home, I decided that this weekend would be spring cleaning time. I enlisted the help of my trusted friend Jill to help me to get rid of the clutter and my piles (which drive her crazy). I did pretty well. However, I think I had a lot more anxiety than I anticipated because I ate way too much. So much that I had a stomach ache and I haven't done that in a long time. I feel bad because I feel like everytime I eat something not healthy that I am not only letting myself down but I am letting Jill down as well. I want nothing more than to give her my kidney. I did make a recovery on Sunday and had a shake a wonderful dinner thanks to Jill's mom. I felt much better. So I am back on the straight and narrow this week. Hopefully, I can maintain the motivation to keep going. I did do Tae Bo this morning. However, Billy Blanks kicks my ass. I think Ineed to start with a different Tae Bo DVD in order to build myself up to this one.

Well I am going to get back to my hill of paperwork...Until next time.......

This is my niece...one of my favorite people. This picture is from my last visit to Florida. I miss her so much!!!

Well I made it back to Massachusetts!!! I really did miss it here. Right now, I am sitting home with the animals. Jill went to her brother's rehearsal dinner. And for some reason, I am extremely sad. May be I just have too much to think right now. I don't know. But it is so easy to get discouraged when it comes to meeting new people and someone I could possibly fall in love with. With only 2 months left until my 29th birthday, I am really starting to dread this whole dating thing. And of course my weight plays into this big time. Unfortunately I can't seem to find someone who can see beyond the extra pounds. I know in my mind that I wouldn't want to be with someone that can't love me for who I am and not what I look like. But it doesn't make it any easier. It sucks.

On Barnes and Nobles website, there are web based courses that you can take. It is really interesting. I decided to take this course on simplifying your life....maybe that has something to do with my sad mood. I was on the site tonight reading and pondering the questions asked by the course instructor. I don't know....may be that is why I am still in therapy. I know that if this is the path that God wants me to take that I can accept it. I just feel a sense of loss. May be I need to go "church shopping" ~ try and find a church that fits my needs and I can still give back to God. Things seem to go much easier when I "let go and let God". I need to re-center myself. I am always trying to "find" something....only thing is, is that I have no idea what I am looking for. So when I figure it out, I will clue you all in.

Thanks to all of you for your continued comments and support.

Until tomorrow..............

Well today was interesting. I had to get measured for a bridesmaid dress for a wedding that I am in early next year. That's never a fun thing. And of course bridesmaid dresses always run small. However, you know that it is not a good thing when they charge you extra money because of the size of your dress. The frustrating thing is that I am so determined to lose the weight that I am now going to have to also pay to have it altered. Oh well!!!!!!!!! Such as life.

Well I am heading back home tomorrow. I really miss it up there. I can't wait to get home. You don't know what you're missing until you have some distance from it for a little while. While Florida will always be "home", Massachusetts is my home now. I was reminded very clearly why I moved. I don't regret the move for one second. I know that things up there will fall into place when it is time. It's just nice to be around people who actually appreciate what you do for them. I am so grateful for them.

Until tomorrow..........

Well today was a terrific day. I am doing great sticking to drinking my shakes. And today I took Scooter to a dog park and walked around for about 30 minutes. It was great, even though I was sweating because it was so hot and sticky. Gotta love Florida!!!!!! I am staying focused on my goal. Jill is talking about going to homecoming in November, so I want to lose at least half of my weight before then. I want to knock the socks off of everyone. :)

Well I am tired and the Sixth Sense is on so until tomorrow..........

Well I have been in Florida for 3 days. I started the shakes again on Saturday morning. So far so good. I have been staying on the plan. No snacking and then dinner. I can already feel a difference in how I feel. When I get back to Plymouth, I am going back to the gym. After 6 weeks of going 3 to 5 times a week, I can get my Nike Shox shoes!!!!!!! I have to figure out a way to get myself motivated.

Nothing has changed here in West Palm Beach. I am just reinforced in my decision to move to New England. I definitely don't miss it here. I do miss being in New England right now. I miss Jill, Detroit Joe, and Mattie. I hope things are going well up there. Scooter was great on the plane ride down here. Not a peep from him on the planes. He is the best puppy ever.


Until tomorrow......

Ok...so I am trying to keep up with this at least a few times a week. Not being very successful. That's how things feel right now throughout my life. I am having difficulty making good choices when it comes to food. I am not sure why. It could be that I am feeling sad and sorry for myself. I am not sure. I think I am also having the opportunity to actually reflect on myself more often now. Jill has been feeling better and getting out more, which I am so happy about. But it gives me more time to have to think and focus on myself. Something I don't particularly like to do. I struggle with the notion that I may be alone for the rest of my life. If that is God's plan, then I accept it (but I can't pretend to be happy about it). I know that good things come to those who wait, but how long does one have to wait. How can I be happy without feeling so lost and empty inside? Is is possible?

I head back to Florida on Friday. I am taking Scooter with me after the fiasco of leaving him home with Jill the last time. Maybe the break from work will be good for me. I think I need to rejuvenate myself.

Until tomorrow......

Well it's been about a week since my last blog. I would like to say that I haven't had time to blog because I have been working out, however that was not the case. I have been really busy with work. I am still trying to find the motivation to get back to the gym. So I decided today to do the next best thing to the gym....walk the mall!!! I had a fleeting though of going into Boston and walking the Freedom Trail, but I got up too late. It was a good jump start to my afternoon. It energized me so that I came home and cleaned my room, did my laundry and got organized for this week at work. It felt great to accomplish so much in such little time. I am realizing that I need motivation to get to the gym. If only I had a buddy ~ someone who can get me going when I don't want to get there. I am focused on getting back on track this week. I am off to Florida again on Friday. Wish me luck.....Until tomorrow.......

Well I have taken a week or so off of the shakes....Making every excuse possible not to make them. So I went ahead and made 2 shakes tonight. That way if I wake up late there is no excuse.

It is horribly hot in the house today. I am not sure how much longer I can survive this without the coolness of air condition. I cant' wait until it gets cold again. I am sure everyone here would curse me if they heard me say that. But I enjoyed the winter that I experienced this year. I guess the real test will be an entire winter.

On another note, I went to therapy last Wendesday. My therapist always gets me thinking. This whole nurturing thing is very hard for me grasp. I am tired of experiencing the pain of my childhood. I want nothing more but to move ahead with my life and be happy. I guess I need to actually let go of those feelings from childhood before I can move on. I am not sure exactly of how I can nurture myself. It is not something that I am familiar with. But I am giving it a try.

Well I am going to jump in the shower and try to cool off.....Until tomorrow........

Ok...so I have been slacking in the blogging department. I have been trying to catch up with everything since returning from my trip to Florida. Let's see....eating hasn't been so good the past few days. I havent' really been planning my days like I should. I also have been waking up late so that it is impossible for me to make a shake. I am making a shake this morning. Hopefully I can get back on track. My goal for this weekend is to make it to the gym at least once. And then I will set a goal for next week. Well I need to finish getting ready for work. It is so hot in the house, the air is broken. Not so good.

Until later.........

Well I am getting ready to head back to Massachusetts and I am actually excited. I didn't think that I would miss it that much but I am homesick and miss the animals. I owe Jill a million for taking care of them. I went to good old Girls and Boys Town this morning. Nothing changes there. It was good to see everyone. But I am definitely happy where I am. It was the best move for me.

Last night, we ordered pizza ~ Pizza Hut pizza. I haven't had pizza in a long time. And I paid for it. I was up at 1:30 in the morning with an upset stomach. I guess that shows me. No more greasy pizza for me. Well I need to start packing up.

Until tomorrow.......

Well I am back in West Palm Beach. The family reunion was interesting as usual. It is always fun seeing all those extended family members. I was smart when it came to choosing food. I decided to wait before getting in line at the buffet, which proved to be a very smart choice because there wasn't much food left. So I didn't pig out like I usually would have.

I am tired from all the travelling and I am off tomorrow to rejoin Jill in Plymouth. I will get on later and blog some more.

Well I am in Florida and the weather is crummy. Hurricane Dennis is knocking on Florida's backdoor. My eating is doing well. I am making good choices with the help of my aunt.

Poor Jill...home with the animals. And Scooter ate her debit card. So sorry!
Until tomorrow.....

Today was good day. It's been a wierd week with a holiday falling on Monday and me leaving on Thursday. My eating has been controlled. I want to thank everyone for their comments. It really does help to motivate me. I am feeling stronger everyday.

So, Jill's mom came to the rescue today and drove me to meet my aunt in Wrentham at the Outlet Mall (Alamos). Thanks a million Deb!! Ok to go off on a tangent for a minute. Deb has been awesome to me since I have moved up here. She has become a surrogate mom to me and I appreciate it more than words can say. Ok now that that is out of the way back to the story... My aunt is great and love spending time with her and her family, especially my cousins. They are awesome. I just finished spending the last hour sitting downstairs with my aunt looking through old photo albums and scrapbooks. It was a blast. I was also given the opportunity to get more of a glimpse as to who my father was. She has poems and songs that he had written while he was alive and she gave them to me. That means the world to me. I love hearing stories about him and who he was.

So I am off to Florida tomorrow....everyone wish me luck and pray for me. I am gonna need it. I only hope that the absence has given me enough strength to make it through 5 days.
Until tomorrow..........

Happy Tuesday!! I hope everyone had a safe and fun Fourth of July!!Today was a good day. I did really good with my eating and stayed on track today. I feel extremely rejuvenated from my weekend long hibernation. As I prepare to head back to Florida, I am filled with mixed feelings. Florida holds so much pain. I know I am stronger now than I was 7 months ago. I can just feel the anxiety building up inside. I refuse to eat it away. I found one of my many books on diet and eating. This one is on overeating. It is a journal and takes you through different stages on overcoming overeating. My most difficult part is the emotional part.

I started seeing a therapist recently to help me cope with trying to lose the weight and why I keep it on. What the reasons are for eating. One thing that has stuck in my mind that she mentioned to me is about how I nurture myself. I can't seem to get that out of my mind. I couldn't answer her when she asked me that question because I don't. I take so much time worrying about everyone else that I forget about the most important person ~ ME!! I am starting to realize that it is not selfish to think about yourself...it is self preservation. I am creating boundaries, as hard as that might be for me. It feels oddly exhilirating. I am not sure the last time I felt this.

I wish everyone a safe Wednesday. Until tomorrow..........

Well I seem to have slept the weekend away. I am not sure exactly why I am so tired, but the sleep feels good. Saturday, I went over to Jill's mom's house for dinner. After dinner, some how we started talking about walking and how long it would take to walk back to my house. You know me, always up for a challenge, so I started walking with Scooter in tow. Actually we didn't get that far before he had had enough and I had to carry him. The challenge was to see how far I could get in 20 minutes (with flip flops on). I have to say I was quite proud of myself. I was almost to the fire station when Jill pulled up behind me. It felt good to walk and feel the blood pumping. I totally under estimated the power of hills though. Thats me a Floridian where there are no hills. But with practice I should be able to take on those hills with no problem.

I am also preparing to head back to Florida for about 5 days. This will be the first time visiting since leaving December 31, 2004. I am not quite sure how things will go, but I am excited at being able to return for a visit. It should provide me with quite a challenge for my eating.

Well it is late and I have paperwork to catch up on....So until tomorrow.....

I am so glad that today is Friday. I have had a couple of crazy weeks and I am looking forward to this long weekend. Although a long weekend to me is two days off in a row. I usually work in the mornings on Saturday. I did good with eating today, probably because of the weight in. Jill, Johanna, and I went to the Charlie Horse for dinner tonight. I was very impressed with myself resisting the urge to eat the appetizers that they both ordered. Then we came home and watched Spanglish with Adam Sandler. There was a part in the movie where Tea Leoni's character goes and buys a size smaller for her daughter. She then proceeds to tell her that she knows she will lose the weight and look good. This to a child maybe only 10 years old. I can hear you all now...it is only a movie. But you see that is where you all are wrong. It is life. It is life when you are fat. The damage that is done to our youth is so hard to reverse.
I got to thinking last night after my post. If you look in the media, you see famous people struggling with their weight ~ Kirstie Alley, Oprah Winfrey ~ to name a few. I think showing how a "real" person struggles with being overweight would put some real perspective on it. I am not sure I know anyone that would ignore Oprah because she was fat. It is so different for the famous people than it is for us regular people.
Next Tuesday, The Biggest Loser comes back on. It is on NBC. It is of course another reality show. I encourage everyone to watch it. I know I will.
Also my search for kickboxing classes has hopefully come to an end. I believe I found a martial arts center that offers Cardio kickboxing (YEAH!!!!!!) I am going to get some information tomorrow after I see my clients in the morning.
I hope everyone has a safe and healthy Fourth of July. Please keep all of our service men and women in your prayers. Unfortunately, one of my sorority sisters lost her husband, a Navy SEAL, on the helicopter that was shot down earlier in the week. I ask that everyone please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
Until tomorrow.............

Well today was weigh-in and measurements day. A day I never look forward to. I was up a few pounds due to water retention. It is very discouraging even though I know the reason. All of my measurements below my waist were up ~ not much though. I know it is just water....but it doesn't mean that I am not a little discouraged. I am just going to have to drink a ton of water today and take a walk after work....especially because I actually get off of work before 8pm tonight :)!!!!! I hope everyone has a great day. :)

This is my graduation from Palm Beach Atlantic University in West Palm Beach in December 2004. I graduated with my Masters in Counseling Psychology. I am probably my heaviest here. The other person in the picture is my "baby" sister, Faith.

Well today was a long and interesting day. Work as always provides me with much excitement. I did well with my eating today. I have to admit that this blogging is extremly therapeutic. I was thinking all day in the car in my lovely drives to my clients's homes. Something really bothered me...I have been on Match.com trying to find friends or love or whatever should happen. I guess I never realized just how superficial people can be. For those of you who don't know, I lost my father when I was a toddler. He was overweight and very unhappy. He had an operation to help him lose the weight. Unfortunately, he lost more than his weight ~he lost his life and I lost my father. I have always been extremely sensitive to people who are overweight...never thinking in a million years I would be there myself. For those that have never battled a weight problem, it is not just about the food. It is such a difficult fight. Some of us have the "fat genes" and it makes it all the bit harder. I guess I never really realized just how much being overweight HURTS ~ not just physically but emotionally. All those pounds represent years of hurt and for some it is their only source of protection. I think about society and the message it sends to all of our young kids. I hear it from my teenage girls about how fat they are and how they have to go on a diet or they won't be liked. And unfortunately they are right. People only see the outside and judge based on that. Being overweight is a lonely life to live which makes it all the more difficult to lose the weight. What viscious cycle!!
I was once skinny...in high school. I don't remember being all that happy as a skinny person. Just hungry all the time. There has to be some medium. I know that I can lose this weight...I just hope that I can do it in enough time for Jill. I am not only doing this for her, I am doing this for me, for my dad, and for all the overweight people in the world. I want people to somehow understand how difficult it is to live with being fat. How scary the thought is of possibly spending the rest of your life alone and never being able to find someone to love you for who you are and not what you look like. I am done with covering up the hurt behind the pounds. I hope this can record not only my struggles but my triumphs as well.
I want to say thank you for all of those that posted comments, they are helpful and motivating.
Until tomorrow.......

Jill and Carrie at Easter

Hey everyone!! I thought I would give this a whirl since Jill is recording her struggles, I thought that I would record my thoughts and struggles with trying to lose weight so that I can give her a kidney.

Things are going good. I have lost about 10 pounds currently ~ only about 35 more to go. I am trying toget involved in new and different things, such as martial arts or kickboxing. I get so bored easily and lose interest. Not to mention so busy and tired.

I want to thank everyone for the support that Jill has received over the past 6 months. She really appreciates it beyond the words she expresses to you all.

So I am getting ready to go to bed and I have been reflecting over the past few hours about today. Everyday is a battle as I am driving around to my clients's homes. Sometimes I am not even hungry and I have thoughts about fast food...you don't realize how strong the urge can get. I totally understand how a drug addict feels when they are trying to resist drugs or alcohol.
I have been doing better. I am on Herbalife. It is a meal replacement diet. I am doing well on it. I have actually stuck to it for longer than 3 weeks. That inself is an accomplishment. And with each pound that comes off I start to feel just a little bit better. I know that I need to do this not only for me but for Jill. I am trying to find some physical activities that I can do that will keep my attention. I went to a martial arts center today. I think I might give it a try. I also have thought about starting to ride a bike. Although, I don't think that I have been on a bike since I was a kid. Oh my and all these hills!!!!!! I definitely would get a good work out :)
As I get ready to sign off and go to bed, I wish there was something I could do to help Jill sleep at night. I worry about her. I wish that there was a magic solution...as I tell my kids in therapy ~ here is your wand and if you try real hard, you can make any wish you wish come true....its just up to you. Until tomorrow........

These are my little ones...the kitty is Mattie and the puppy is Scooter. They make me so happy and keep me going.