RECOVERY TIME

Oh my God!!!! Jill was so right when she said abdomenal surgery sucks!!!!!!! I am on a lift restriction - no more than 10 pounds. I don't even know if I can lift that. As some of you know, they had to convert to an open bypass. It seems that my abdominal muscles are too strong and they were unable to put enough air in me to be able to see well enough to complete the surgery laproscopically. Anyways, they opened me up and I have a ton of staples. I am not sure how long they will be in for. I go to the surgeon's office on Friday for a follow up appointment. My baby sister, Faith, will be flying in on Wednesday to help me for the next week. I am not sure what I am going to do after that. I never would have thought that it would be this painful. And I am trying not to take that much pain medicine. It seems that a side effect is constipation, which really doesn't make things feel any better down in the abdomen region. Anyways, I am trying to stay hydrated. Although the hospital put enough IV fluids in me. I swear I had at least 15 pounds of extra water on me. It is really amazing to me how many things we take for granted everyday. It hurts to cough, laugh, and even to yawn.

I am tired. More next time..........

Round Two!!

Well here I am the night before my second attempt at having this surgery. I am very excited for it to be done. I am tired of not being able to breathe when I am walking. I had someone ask me how I became this big. There is no answer for that. It's like asking someone why they eat. We eat to survive. And unfortunately, I would eat and eat. Some people are addicted to drugs, alcohol, shopping, and gambling. My addiction over the past few years has been food. Some use food for emotional reasons. My weight is representative of so much that has happened to me over the past years. It was a gradual gain of usually 10 or 15 pounds a year. As one gets older, the weight is harder to get off.

RENT is one of my favorites broadway musicals EVER. I have seen it 5 times and seen the movie. I basically have the entire musical memorized. To me, it is more than a story line. The words are very true. "No Day but Today" Live for today because you might not have tomorrow. "The heart may freeze or it can burn. The pain will ease if I can learn. There is no future. There is no past. I live this moment as my last. There's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No Day but Today." These lines from the musical are so true. This surgery is a new start for me - a new chapter in my book.

Until next time......

Here we go again!

Let's hope that the second attempt at this is better than the first. I am going in on Thursday 7/27/06. I won't know what time until Wednesday evening. Anyways, I am going to work for the beginning of this week and then take off. Let's hope all is well.

I want to say a MILLION thanks to everyone for their prayers and support. This was one of the most difficult decisions in my life to make. I know that it is the right decision even with the mishap. This procedure is the start of a fresh chapter for me. So, keep me, the surgeon, and the machinery in your thoughts and prayers.

I will update everyone later this week.

Until next time.......

A Second Attempt

Well, I met with the surgeon this morning. Basically, the surgery will be attempted again and if she can't do it laproscopically, she will convert it to an open bypass. I would much rather have the surgery performed laproscopically. But I want it done and I don't care how it is accomplished. I just might need some extra help after the surgery should it need to be done open. So, right now I am on the schedule for August 1st however, we are trying to rearrange the schedule so that I can have it done next Thursday. I have to wait until Monday to see if I can get that done.

Until next time.........

Disappointment

Well I went in for the surgery today and everything was going well. I was given the IV and they put me under the anesthesia. However, when the surgeon went to blow my abdomen up with gas so that she could work there seemed to be an issue. She tried for about an hour and then cancelled the surgery. Needless to say, I am very disappointed. BUT, that is not the end of the story. She had another surgery scheduled and she was having the same difficulty and decided to try another machine. That machine was fine. When I spoke with the surgeon, she said that we have a couple of options. So, I will be calling to make an appointment for Friday to discuss those options. It looks like I might end up having the surgery August 1st (my original date). I guess everything happens for a reason.

Thank you to everyone for their words of encouragement and support. This truly has to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

Until next time.........

Finally!!!

Ok, as promised here is a before picture. It isn't pretty. I have been really uncomfortable the past few days and I am very happy that the surgery is finally here. I am the first surgery of the day 7:30 am. So, that means that I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 am. Yippee!!!

I know I have been telling everyone that I am not nervous, but today my anxiety was off the charts. I am not sure if it is just excitement or nervousness. Anyways, I am trying to stay calm and breathe deep. I just downloaded some relaxing music on my IPOD and plan on listening to it before the surgery tomorrow.

As of my appointment with the doctor this morning, I weighed 250 pounds. I never in a MILLION years thought I would ever weigh this. So, I am getting a fresh start and will work harder than ever to become more healthy.

I will try to post something tomorrow after the surgery. Thanks to everyone for their support and words of encouragement. It means so much to me.

Until next time.........

Information

Ok, for those of you haven't figured out what surgery I am having I will fill you in. I decided to have gastric bypass surgery. It took a lot of thought, prayer, and deliberation. I have high blood pressure and I have had it for more than 2 years. I also recently found out that I have high cholesteral. I am not even 30 yet!!!! So with these health issues I decided that this would be the best option. the procedure will last about 3 hours and then my stomach will be itty bitty. Initially, it will only hold about 1 ounce at a time.

If you look at the picture I have posted, this is what the finished product will look like. So, I am off to the hospital tomorrow for my pre-op appointment. And then I see the doctor on Monday. I am getting so excited and I am happy that this week is almost over.

Until next time...........

Preparation

I am starting to get everything together for the surgery. It is finally real to me. I am not nervous, but excited. I want this fresh start on life so badly. I have found myself sleeping a tremendous amount lately. A way of avoiding life - I guess. I try to figure out what I am avoiding but can't put my finger on it. I am going to be very busy over the next week. My aunt and grandmother return from Florida on Friday (14th). My mom will arrive on the 17th (Monday). I also have my pre-op appointment that morning.

I know that this surgery isn't going to fix everything in my life. It is only going to make some things a little bit easier to handle.

Until next time.........

Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I receivd a phone call from the doctor's office. I am scheduled to have my surgery on July 18th. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I am waiting to hear back from the doctor's office as to when the pre-op appointment will be. I am so excited. I feel like I am getting a new lease on life. This time I am going to do it right. This is a second chance for me and I am so grateful for this opportunity.

I will post more news as it follows and as promised the night before the surgery I will post my stats and a picture. Soon there will be a new me!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Until next time...........

Introducing.....

Well it has taken a little while but here is the new baby Gizmo. We went to Auntie Jill's and surprise he matches the color of her iced coffee. He is doing well and growing. I will get more pictures up soon.

Surgery update:

I am tenatively scheduled to have the surgery on August 1. I am going to confirm that this week (hopefully). I am getting really anxious to get the procedure done. I am also really sick and tired of walking and becoming hot and sweaty!!! It is really disgusting. I looked it up on webmd and they said it is exertional heatstroke. I call it uncomfortable and gross. Who would want to come near me like that. Not to mention, it is next to impossible to do anything. Walking around the mall is miserable (even in air conditioning). Well hopefully I won't have to deal with it much longer.

Thanks to everyone for their support it is appreciated very much. Well it is late and I am tired.

Until next time..................................

My New Baby

I know I have been terrible at blogging. A lot is going on so let me fill everyone in. I made the trip to Pennsylvania to pick up the puppy. WOW was that an interesting time. The drive wasn't that bad. It took us about 6 1/2 hours and my cousin was the best I have ever seen her. She fell in love with the standard poodles at the breeders. Anyways, we arrived at the breeder's place (who lives out in the middle of no where and we almost ran out of gas!! We even saw Amish people) and the woman was a bit disorganized. I think she had too much fun in the 70's. She told me that she couldn't remember if someone else had put a deposit on my little one. Needless to say I was furious. I made her call the woman to verify and she was wrong!!! Thank God!!!!! So I purchased my little one. She gave him a bath and a haircut. And we were on our way. Now came the part where we had to name the little one. At first, I thought Martini would be cute. But then I thought about having to explain that to my clients I see. So that was thrown out. Then I figured Simba would be great, seeing as I am from Florida. Well no one liked that one. So finally, on the third try, I settled on Gizmo. Gizmo is adjusting well. He had his first vet appointment last Friday. He goes back on July 15th for his last round of shots. He weighs 2.6 pounds. I will try to post a picture when I get a chance. If you want to see him now you can go to Jill's blog at www.balboniblog.blogspot.com. There is a cute picture of him with her iced coffee.

Update on the surgery: I have finished all of my tests and I am just waiting on my date. I am really getting impatient (big surprise). I just want to know when it is already. I have to start to prepare myself. I will keep everyone updated as I find things out.

Well I must be going. Until next time.................................

A New Beginning

Well, its been awhile since I last posted. I am doing much better. I have my good days and my bad days. I am pleased to report that I have found another puppy. I will be travelling with my aunt to Pennsylvania on Saturday to pick him up. He is 9 weeks old and looks similar to Scooter. I know that nothing can replace my baby. I have been more upbeat since I found him....smiling and less sad about the loss of Scooter. I miss him dearly and I am sure it will take a lot of time for that wound to heal. But I have to go on, like I tell my clients. You have to figure out a way around the road blocks and pot holes in life. I easily could have stayed in bed for weeks, but that would have made matters worse. Mattie, the kittie, is still a little freaked out. She has been waking me up in the middle of the night licking me. Not quite sure why she is doing that, but it is utterly annoying. Well it is late and I am tired. I will post pictures of the road trip asap. More next time...............

In Memory.....

This is my baby, Scooter. I miss him dearly.

The Saddest Day of My Life

Memorial Day was the hardest and saddest day for me. I brought Scooter to work with me because I was worried how he would at home alone. On the way home, he had his head out the window like always. He must have saw something because he jumped out the window and was then hit by another car. Unfortunately, he was killed. I am overwhelmed with grief. I am not quite sure what exactly to do. I don't want to go home. My Aunt came out immediately when I called her. She stayed with me over night and helped to organize the new place a little bit. Yesterday, I went to my psych appointment. After that, I went out to my aunt and uncle's house to have a burial for Scooter. It is going to be rough for awhile.

More later...............

Reflection

With the upcoming move and my impending surgery, I have been very reflective. My weight reflects so much more than just excess weight. It has been my protection for so long. I am not quite sure what I have needed protection from - possibly being emotionally hurt. Well I have proven that the weight doesn't protect you from that. It only makes you more lonely and miserable. I have spent so many years chasing this person I thought I should be or I thought I wanted to be, that I don't think I know who I am. I have the Purpose Driven Life (both the book and CDs). However, I think I am afraid to let go of what I know, even though I am not that happy. I know I am happy when I help other people, but then I seem to lose myself in that (at least what I think of as "myself"). I don't doubt that I am a good person. I guess I am just trying to figure out why I am here on this earth. Because I don't believe God put me here to feel terrible about myself. I know I have been unhappy, but I relate that to my excess weight. However, it's easy to not be happy when someone tells you that you are out of touch with reality. You really start to doubt your already lowered self esteem and withdraw even more.

When you walk 2 feet and your lower back hurts so bad you have to sit down, one can't be happy. When you walk slowly around the mall and your face gets so red that someone would think you just ran a marathon, one can't be happy. When you can't sit up in bed without rolling over first, one can't be happy. When you can't tie your sneakers by yourself, one can't be happy. When you have 10 different sizes of jeans in your closet, one can't be happy. I am tired of having my weight, weigh me down. If anyone else has ever felt this way, then you can relate to how I am feeling.

I know that this surgery isn't going to solve everything. I know that I have to change my diet. I know that change HAS to be forever. My wish is that through this process I find who I truly am. I am so thankful that my family is able to put their emotional feelings behind them and support me. I am not sure I could have made it through it without them. I truly am blessed to have a wonderful family.

When I receive the date of the surgery I will post that along with a picture and my starting weight (as bad as it might be). I want this to be a journey of weight loss and re-birth. This is my chance.

Until next time........................

More tests

I was able to get a hold of the sleep center today. I have my sleep study scheduled for June 3rd. Now all we have to do is hope and pray that I don't have sleep apnea. Otherwise that could push my surgery date back. I don't have the appointment for the consultation with the doctor until July 20th. Dr. Vernon's office said that if I have sleep apnea I have to have the CPAP machine in my house 24 to 48 hours before the surgery. So I am hoping that everything goes ok. I just wanted to keep those of you who are reading updated. Until next time...............

The hardest reveal

Well I told Nana today. That was the hardest thing I had to do. She took it well. I know she was upset, which I expected. I called Aunt Pam to let her know so she could call and check on her. So, I only have to tell my brother this weekend when he comes to help me move. I only hope it goes as well as everyone else has. Well I am going to finish packing.

Until next time...........

Results

So, I was in Boston this morning for the ultrasound of my gallbladder and the upper GI testing. The ultrasound was first and was very easy. I don't have any gallstones so that means I get to keep my gallbladder. Then, I went for the upper GI test. YUCK!!!!!!! If you have never had an upper GI test, just hope that you never have to. You have to drink this fizzy stuff followed by barium, which is this white chalky stuff. And let me tell you, it doesn't taste very good at all. But the cool thing was that I got to see pictures of my belly. So I was able to see my stomach and my esophogus. It looked really cool. Everything looks good from that perspective also. So the next step is the psych eval and if I can ever get a hold of the sleep people. Then hopefully I will ge tmy actual surgery date. I am so excited. I really want this fresh start. I have spent too long living behind this weight. I am ready for the changes I need to make in order to be healthy.

I have found that everyone I have run into is very supportive. And I am very grateful and thankful for this. I will need all the support I can get to get through the first few weeks.

The house is almost all paccked up and my brother is coming up next weekend to help me move. I am hoping to get a few things moved this weekend. At least I can clear up some of the clutter. It is like a maze in the house.

More later...........

Testing

So, tomorrow is my first set of tests for the surgery. I have to have an ultrasound of my abdomen and an upper GI test. Then on May 30th its the psych eval - which is standard for all surgery candidates. I am excited to get the show on the road. In other news, my Aunt Joy figured out my plans from reading my blog. Thanks for reading Aunt Joy. I am ready for this new chapter to begin. I have been unhappy and unhealthy for too long. I know its not going to be an easy road, but I know that the outcome is worth the journey. I am just glad I decided to tell Aunt Pam. Its nice to have the support and know that someone really cares about you. I know the emotional pain is going to be great for that side of the family and I wish there was some way to ease that pain. All I know is that I feel very calm and comfortable with the decision. I know that God and everyone else up in heaven will be watching over me that day.

Well I need to get back to my paper. Until next time........

The BIG Reveal

So I didn't things could get any worse this week with all of the rain but I was wrong. I went to my aunt's this weekend for my cousin's birthday. I had contemplated all week whether or not to tell her about the surgery. I was afraid of her reaction. I mean I know that she would be reasonable and understand that we are no where things were 30 years ago when my father decided to have a similar experimental surgery. However, she took it better than I thought. We had gone out for dinner and drinks after my eventful day. I decided after 2 margaritas (a.k.a liquid courage) to drop the bomb. She initially thought I was going to tell her that I was moving back to Florida. Nope!!! Anyways we discussed the entire procedure and my decision. She is supportive although emotionally apprehensive, which is understandable. She told me she would have been very upset with me if I wouldn't have told her before the surgery. Now I have to tell Nana. That one I haven't begun to figure out how to do. I have a week to figure it out. My brother will be told over Memorial Day Weekend while he is here to help me move. So thats all of them. My aunt said she would go with me to the pre-op appointment. I feel better and more supportive. I know this is hard emotionally for all of them because of my father, but I need to be healthly and I know they are all worried about my weight. I am at peace with this decision. It is the same peace I felt when I decided to move to Massachusetts. I know it will be difficult on them, but I pray for strength for them to help them get through the initial pain and know that I am doing this be healthy. I know good things will come after this. So needless to say, this weekend has been very difficult and emotional. I only know that telling Nana will be the most difficult. But I don't have a choice because if I don't tell her, Aunt Pam will. So I will be thinking of ways to tell her. I am not sure there is any way to do it that will ease the emotional pain. But I pray to God that he will give me the strength to tell her and that He gives her the strength to deal with the emotions that come with it. Because I KNOW that I am making the right decision.

Until next time........