Well I have been in Florida for 3 days. I started the shakes again on Saturday morning. So far so good. I have been staying on the plan. No snacking and then dinner. I can already feel a difference in how I feel. When I get back to Plymouth, I am going back to the gym. After 6 weeks of going 3 to 5 times a week, I can get my Nike Shox shoes!!!!!!! I have to figure out a way to get myself motivated.

Nothing has changed here in West Palm Beach. I am just reinforced in my decision to move to New England. I definitely don't miss it here. I do miss being in New England right now. I miss Jill, Detroit Joe, and Mattie. I hope things are going well up there. Scooter was great on the plane ride down here. Not a peep from him on the planes. He is the best puppy ever.


Until tomorrow......

Ok...so I am trying to keep up with this at least a few times a week. Not being very successful. That's how things feel right now throughout my life. I am having difficulty making good choices when it comes to food. I am not sure why. It could be that I am feeling sad and sorry for myself. I am not sure. I think I am also having the opportunity to actually reflect on myself more often now. Jill has been feeling better and getting out more, which I am so happy about. But it gives me more time to have to think and focus on myself. Something I don't particularly like to do. I struggle with the notion that I may be alone for the rest of my life. If that is God's plan, then I accept it (but I can't pretend to be happy about it). I know that good things come to those who wait, but how long does one have to wait. How can I be happy without feeling so lost and empty inside? Is is possible?

I head back to Florida on Friday. I am taking Scooter with me after the fiasco of leaving him home with Jill the last time. Maybe the break from work will be good for me. I think I need to rejuvenate myself.

Until tomorrow......

Well it's been about a week since my last blog. I would like to say that I haven't had time to blog because I have been working out, however that was not the case. I have been really busy with work. I am still trying to find the motivation to get back to the gym. So I decided today to do the next best thing to the gym....walk the mall!!! I had a fleeting though of going into Boston and walking the Freedom Trail, but I got up too late. It was a good jump start to my afternoon. It energized me so that I came home and cleaned my room, did my laundry and got organized for this week at work. It felt great to accomplish so much in such little time. I am realizing that I need motivation to get to the gym. If only I had a buddy ~ someone who can get me going when I don't want to get there. I am focused on getting back on track this week. I am off to Florida again on Friday. Wish me luck.....Until tomorrow.......

Well I have taken a week or so off of the shakes....Making every excuse possible not to make them. So I went ahead and made 2 shakes tonight. That way if I wake up late there is no excuse.

It is horribly hot in the house today. I am not sure how much longer I can survive this without the coolness of air condition. I cant' wait until it gets cold again. I am sure everyone here would curse me if they heard me say that. But I enjoyed the winter that I experienced this year. I guess the real test will be an entire winter.

On another note, I went to therapy last Wendesday. My therapist always gets me thinking. This whole nurturing thing is very hard for me grasp. I am tired of experiencing the pain of my childhood. I want nothing more but to move ahead with my life and be happy. I guess I need to actually let go of those feelings from childhood before I can move on. I am not sure exactly of how I can nurture myself. It is not something that I am familiar with. But I am giving it a try.

Well I am going to jump in the shower and try to cool off.....Until tomorrow........

Ok...so I have been slacking in the blogging department. I have been trying to catch up with everything since returning from my trip to Florida. Let's see....eating hasn't been so good the past few days. I havent' really been planning my days like I should. I also have been waking up late so that it is impossible for me to make a shake. I am making a shake this morning. Hopefully I can get back on track. My goal for this weekend is to make it to the gym at least once. And then I will set a goal for next week. Well I need to finish getting ready for work. It is so hot in the house, the air is broken. Not so good.

Until later.........

Well I am getting ready to head back to Massachusetts and I am actually excited. I didn't think that I would miss it that much but I am homesick and miss the animals. I owe Jill a million for taking care of them. I went to good old Girls and Boys Town this morning. Nothing changes there. It was good to see everyone. But I am definitely happy where I am. It was the best move for me.

Last night, we ordered pizza ~ Pizza Hut pizza. I haven't had pizza in a long time. And I paid for it. I was up at 1:30 in the morning with an upset stomach. I guess that shows me. No more greasy pizza for me. Well I need to start packing up.

Until tomorrow.......

Well I am back in West Palm Beach. The family reunion was interesting as usual. It is always fun seeing all those extended family members. I was smart when it came to choosing food. I decided to wait before getting in line at the buffet, which proved to be a very smart choice because there wasn't much food left. So I didn't pig out like I usually would have.

I am tired from all the travelling and I am off tomorrow to rejoin Jill in Plymouth. I will get on later and blog some more.

Well I am in Florida and the weather is crummy. Hurricane Dennis is knocking on Florida's backdoor. My eating is doing well. I am making good choices with the help of my aunt.

Poor Jill...home with the animals. And Scooter ate her debit card. So sorry!
Until tomorrow.....

Today was good day. It's been a wierd week with a holiday falling on Monday and me leaving on Thursday. My eating has been controlled. I want to thank everyone for their comments. It really does help to motivate me. I am feeling stronger everyday.

So, Jill's mom came to the rescue today and drove me to meet my aunt in Wrentham at the Outlet Mall (Alamos). Thanks a million Deb!! Ok to go off on a tangent for a minute. Deb has been awesome to me since I have moved up here. She has become a surrogate mom to me and I appreciate it more than words can say. Ok now that that is out of the way back to the story... My aunt is great and love spending time with her and her family, especially my cousins. They are awesome. I just finished spending the last hour sitting downstairs with my aunt looking through old photo albums and scrapbooks. It was a blast. I was also given the opportunity to get more of a glimpse as to who my father was. She has poems and songs that he had written while he was alive and she gave them to me. That means the world to me. I love hearing stories about him and who he was.

So I am off to Florida tomorrow....everyone wish me luck and pray for me. I am gonna need it. I only hope that the absence has given me enough strength to make it through 5 days.
Until tomorrow..........

Happy Tuesday!! I hope everyone had a safe and fun Fourth of July!!Today was a good day. I did really good with my eating and stayed on track today. I feel extremely rejuvenated from my weekend long hibernation. As I prepare to head back to Florida, I am filled with mixed feelings. Florida holds so much pain. I know I am stronger now than I was 7 months ago. I can just feel the anxiety building up inside. I refuse to eat it away. I found one of my many books on diet and eating. This one is on overeating. It is a journal and takes you through different stages on overcoming overeating. My most difficult part is the emotional part.

I started seeing a therapist recently to help me cope with trying to lose the weight and why I keep it on. What the reasons are for eating. One thing that has stuck in my mind that she mentioned to me is about how I nurture myself. I can't seem to get that out of my mind. I couldn't answer her when she asked me that question because I don't. I take so much time worrying about everyone else that I forget about the most important person ~ ME!! I am starting to realize that it is not selfish to think about yourself...it is self preservation. I am creating boundaries, as hard as that might be for me. It feels oddly exhilirating. I am not sure the last time I felt this.

I wish everyone a safe Wednesday. Until tomorrow..........

Well I seem to have slept the weekend away. I am not sure exactly why I am so tired, but the sleep feels good. Saturday, I went over to Jill's mom's house for dinner. After dinner, some how we started talking about walking and how long it would take to walk back to my house. You know me, always up for a challenge, so I started walking with Scooter in tow. Actually we didn't get that far before he had had enough and I had to carry him. The challenge was to see how far I could get in 20 minutes (with flip flops on). I have to say I was quite proud of myself. I was almost to the fire station when Jill pulled up behind me. It felt good to walk and feel the blood pumping. I totally under estimated the power of hills though. Thats me a Floridian where there are no hills. But with practice I should be able to take on those hills with no problem.

I am also preparing to head back to Florida for about 5 days. This will be the first time visiting since leaving December 31, 2004. I am not quite sure how things will go, but I am excited at being able to return for a visit. It should provide me with quite a challenge for my eating.

Well it is late and I have paperwork to catch up on....So until tomorrow.....

I am so glad that today is Friday. I have had a couple of crazy weeks and I am looking forward to this long weekend. Although a long weekend to me is two days off in a row. I usually work in the mornings on Saturday. I did good with eating today, probably because of the weight in. Jill, Johanna, and I went to the Charlie Horse for dinner tonight. I was very impressed with myself resisting the urge to eat the appetizers that they both ordered. Then we came home and watched Spanglish with Adam Sandler. There was a part in the movie where Tea Leoni's character goes and buys a size smaller for her daughter. She then proceeds to tell her that she knows she will lose the weight and look good. This to a child maybe only 10 years old. I can hear you all now...it is only a movie. But you see that is where you all are wrong. It is life. It is life when you are fat. The damage that is done to our youth is so hard to reverse.
I got to thinking last night after my post. If you look in the media, you see famous people struggling with their weight ~ Kirstie Alley, Oprah Winfrey ~ to name a few. I think showing how a "real" person struggles with being overweight would put some real perspective on it. I am not sure I know anyone that would ignore Oprah because she was fat. It is so different for the famous people than it is for us regular people.
Next Tuesday, The Biggest Loser comes back on. It is on NBC. It is of course another reality show. I encourage everyone to watch it. I know I will.
Also my search for kickboxing classes has hopefully come to an end. I believe I found a martial arts center that offers Cardio kickboxing (YEAH!!!!!!) I am going to get some information tomorrow after I see my clients in the morning.
I hope everyone has a safe and healthy Fourth of July. Please keep all of our service men and women in your prayers. Unfortunately, one of my sorority sisters lost her husband, a Navy SEAL, on the helicopter that was shot down earlier in the week. I ask that everyone please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
Until tomorrow.............

Well today was weigh-in and measurements day. A day I never look forward to. I was up a few pounds due to water retention. It is very discouraging even though I know the reason. All of my measurements below my waist were up ~ not much though. I know it is just water....but it doesn't mean that I am not a little discouraged. I am just going to have to drink a ton of water today and take a walk after work....especially because I actually get off of work before 8pm tonight :)!!!!! I hope everyone has a great day. :)

This is my graduation from Palm Beach Atlantic University in West Palm Beach in December 2004. I graduated with my Masters in Counseling Psychology. I am probably my heaviest here. The other person in the picture is my "baby" sister, Faith.

Well today was a long and interesting day. Work as always provides me with much excitement. I did well with my eating today. I have to admit that this blogging is extremly therapeutic. I was thinking all day in the car in my lovely drives to my clients's homes. Something really bothered me...I have been on Match.com trying to find friends or love or whatever should happen. I guess I never realized just how superficial people can be. For those of you who don't know, I lost my father when I was a toddler. He was overweight and very unhappy. He had an operation to help him lose the weight. Unfortunately, he lost more than his weight ~he lost his life and I lost my father. I have always been extremely sensitive to people who are overweight...never thinking in a million years I would be there myself. For those that have never battled a weight problem, it is not just about the food. It is such a difficult fight. Some of us have the "fat genes" and it makes it all the bit harder. I guess I never really realized just how much being overweight HURTS ~ not just physically but emotionally. All those pounds represent years of hurt and for some it is their only source of protection. I think about society and the message it sends to all of our young kids. I hear it from my teenage girls about how fat they are and how they have to go on a diet or they won't be liked. And unfortunately they are right. People only see the outside and judge based on that. Being overweight is a lonely life to live which makes it all the more difficult to lose the weight. What viscious cycle!!
I was once skinny...in high school. I don't remember being all that happy as a skinny person. Just hungry all the time. There has to be some medium. I know that I can lose this weight...I just hope that I can do it in enough time for Jill. I am not only doing this for her, I am doing this for me, for my dad, and for all the overweight people in the world. I want people to somehow understand how difficult it is to live with being fat. How scary the thought is of possibly spending the rest of your life alone and never being able to find someone to love you for who you are and not what you look like. I am done with covering up the hurt behind the pounds. I hope this can record not only my struggles but my triumphs as well.
I want to say thank you for all of those that posted comments, they are helpful and motivating.
Until tomorrow.......