Letting Go

There are times in our lives that define us. I have learned over the years that letting go of trying to control situations ALWAYS yields better results. I am not quite sure why I still try to control every situation...must be my OCD.

I believe that we are all put on this Earth to serve a purpose. I have always known that my purpose was to help others. It has been a lifelong dream of mine to be in private practice. Over the years the practicality of being employed somewhere always won out. I had my "excuses" - I needed health insurance, I have so much flexibility, it's too hard to start my own practice. Well it's time for me to rise above those excuses. 

At the beginning of this year I gave myself a goal. This goal was to be in private practice by the end of 2014. At some point this year, I put that goal on the back burner again. I was just going to give up on my dream. Little did I know that by relinquishing control I was actually helping myself. It is said that you can't force a square into a circle...what I have learned is that you can when that circle is big enough. 

So here we are 2 months left in the year and I am about to take the biggest leap of faith in my life. I am going to realize a lifelong dream. I know I need to do this now because I don't want to look back and always regret not trying. Even if I hit the ground face first at least I tried. I'm sure I will hear Jill telling me to get up and put my big girl panties on.

These past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. When I boarded the plane bound for Boston to honor and remember Jill, I was not quite sure how I was going to get through. However, Jill let me know she was with us as she always seems to do. Jill always had that way about her. She was so charismatic you couldn't help but to be drawn in. Whether you knew her for 5 minutes or 25 years, she had a lasting effect on you. She always wanted you to think that everything was going to be alright...even if it wasn't. 

The Gala was amazing and everything Jill loved. It was nice let loose and celebrate Jill. The Live Learn Breathe Foundation will be granting a $10,000 scholarship to a child with Cystic Fibrosis to help with college expenses. Jill always loved school and learning. I hope this scholarship can instill that in another. 

Thank you to Courtney, Suzanne, Kate, and Cynthia for all of their hard work. Jill is definitely smiling down on you guys!

Until next time...

Never Forget

As I sit here tonight on the eve of the day that shattered the way I viewed the world, I have so many emotions. I can't believe its been 13 years...it feels like yesterday. I remember clearly that Tuesday morning, probably more clearly than any other memory. I was at work at a staff meeting. I will never forget the raw feelings of that day. Watching TV for days...wanting, needing answers.

Every single American has their own memories of that day. I will never forget the feeling of being unsafe. For my entire life, I didn't know war. I only knew stories. This single act of terrorism shattered my sense of safety and security.

I had visited my friend Kelli in NYC the month prior to September 11th. That was definitely a trip to remember. She worked blocks from the World Trade Center. I will never forget going to see the Statute of Liberty on the ferry and the picture of the towers. There is a cloud covering the towers. It is very ominous. I still have that picture today.

September 11th will forever be etched in our memories. We can't allow these terrorists to win. We need to honor the lives those men and women lost that day. So tomorrow, do something nice for someone, say thank you to the men and women in uniform (any uniform). Let's unite as a nation!

Until next time...

Reminders

I know it's been a few months since I've posted. It's crazy how fast time flies by without you even realizing it. It's been a busy summer here in our household and now we are settling into the school year. Gage is still attending Pre-K at Loxahatchee Groves Elementary and Jillian started daycare. She is doing ok except for the daily screaming when I drop her off. But I am sure she will eventually get used to it.

Today is the one year anniversary of Operation Queen B Ash and Dash. I can say without a doubt that  those memories are some of the best and I will cherish them. I know Jill was smiling down on us that night. I was reminded again of her presence today. I found a small white feather by the leg of. My dining room table. Interestingly, it was the same table I bought when I lived in Plymouth with Jill. I know. She was telling me that she is still around even if it's been awhile since she's let me know. It couldn't have come at a more perfect time.

I was reminded this past week that the grief ninja can strike at anytime and any place. You would think I would be a pro at this. I am not sure that anyone becomes a pro no matter what specialized training they have. I have learned so much of what to say to grieving people. I will never tell a grief stricken person that it will get easier with time. Because I have learned that it doesn't get easier, it just becomes a new "normal". Telling them it gets easier makes the person feel like they are crazy when the pain doesn't subside. Everyone grieves differently and in their own time. Who am I to say what another persons grief looks like. I only know my own pain and grief.

I made a decision about 2 weeks ago to change some VERY BAD habits. I was introduced to Advocare by a good friend. At first, I thought there is no way this is going to work for me, but I was desperate. I was feeling like shit and tired ALL the time. I knew something had to change so I was willing to give it a try. I started their 24 Day Challenge. I couldn't believe the difference in how I felt after 1 day. I am not bullshitting anyone. I have not felt this good in years...probably not since right after I lost all my weight after my gastric bypass surgery. I have so much energy and I feel a huge difference in my clothes. I can't wait to weigh myself and do my measurements in 6 days. This is definitely something I can stick to.

Tomorrow is battle day in our household...Patriots vs. Dolphins. One of us will not be a happy person at the end of that game. So I am going to go to bed and try to get some rest before the showdown.

Until next time...

Grief - Put it on a leash

I have been meaning to sit down and write for the past couple of days. However, I just haven’t been able to find the time. Although that is not completely true. I can find the time to surf the net or play my stupid games. I find the time to sit and watch a movie with the family. I find the time to play with my little ones. So, I would have to change that to I have been avoiding it.

I have written this blog in my head about 20 different ways. I just go blank when I sit down to type it out. But here goes…

Father’s Day – A day that I always wished would somehow disappear. It was a reminder to me of what was gone, what I missed out on. It took me awhile to reframe how I was looking at the situation. While it still makes my heart ache that my father never was able to see me grow up, walk me down the aisle, or will never hold his grandchildren, I know that he is with me and sees all.  

As a therapist, I know that grief is sloppy and there are instructions of how it works. From experience, I know that grief can be like a ninja and sometimes just attack when you least expect it.  This was what I experienced on Sunday. 

For reasons that are still not clear, I was on the verge of tears all day. I decided I needed to go for a drive when Jillian went down for her nap. To give David some quiet time, I took Gage with me. On the drive, Reba McEntire’s song “The Greatest Man I Never Knew” came on. That was it….water works time.

 I was (and still am) sad that my children will never have experiences the grandfather that I was so lucky to experience. Both of my grandfathers were amazing people. Grandpa Robinson would take us to the corner store and buy us candy. Then he would piggy back carry us to the car and say to me “Who’s gonna carry Carrie”. I hated it then, but would love to hear it one more time. Gramps (Hooks) would sit and tell us stories. Since I love history, this was great for me. I am so glad he did because I now have those stories locked in my memory to tell my kids.

My point to all of this is that my children don’t have this chance to make these memories. I can’t bring my dad back...if I could I would in a heartbeat. So on that drive, I made a promise to myself. Grief will come and I will let it. However, I will keep it on a leash. If it has to be around, it will be on my terms.  Yes, it may still sneak up on me when I least expect it and that is ok. I realize that we never really “move on” and that time really doesn’t make it better. It just becomes more bearable. We learn how to “leash” our grief.

 I will help create memories for my children. They won’t be like my memories and that’s ok because it is their life and their experiences. I know that they will cherish those memories just as I cherish all of my memories from childhood.

Until next time…

Progress

I know it's been awhile since I've posted...life has been busy. Gage is doing well. He has made such progress since starting school. I have so much gratitude for his teachers. He is talking...ALOT! He is doing great with potty training. We still have our issues here and there but overall he is making great progress.

I look at my sweet boy and can't help but wonder how he would be if he could fully communicate with us. There are days I want to pull my hair out and I hate Autism. But I also understand that without Autism I wouldn't have my amazingly unique little guy. He helps me see the world differently. He reminds me that it is ok to do things differently. He has the most amazing smile and it can instantly change my mood.

Jillian is doing great as well. It is amazing to me how different she is from Gage. She loves her big brother. She gets so excited when he gets off the bus. It's the cutest thing. She is 15 months now and isn't really saying any words. This of course is a scary thing for me. I see vast differences in her development from Gage's. She is babbling and trying to say words. She shows interest in everyone and everything. If she isn't saying anything in a month I will have her evaluated for a speech delay. Hopefully she will start talking soon. I know I will regret that at some point.

I have learned that it is easy to get caught up in life and forget or miss the little things. I am still trying to figure out how to juggle that. I don't want to miss those little things. Tomorrow isn't promised to us and I want to "see" all the little things. It's the little things that add up to make the big things. I am grateful for. This path. It's not always easy but it's no different than someone else's path. We all have struggles. It's those struggles that make us who we are. I am far from perfect. I make mistakes...all the time. I just want to be the best parent and advocate for my children...like every other parent. Our struggle is Autism...someone else's struggle might be cancer or mental health. The paths are different but the same.

Until next time...

Celebrating

Today we celebrated the kids’ birthdays. We held the celebration at a nearby park. I was hoping that this would be beneficial for Gage. I’m not sure I fully thought that out. After several days of “cold” weather, I think everyone was at the park…ok not really. However, there were several parties going on at the same time as ours. This turned out to be very interesting. Gage had no problem going into all the pavilions and helping himself to what they had.  He ran up to virtually everyone at the park and interacted with them on some level. For his dad and me, we cheer this. Luckily, there were understanding people at the park. To everyone at Royal Palm Beach Commons Park today between the hours of 1-4 pm, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. There is always so much anxiety that I have going out because I never know how Gage is going to react to situations.  I mean I can try to anticipate and control for as much as I can but I am not always able to do that 100% of the time. So, to all those people sitting on the grass as Gage came running onto your blankets – Thank you. He loves to run and be chased. Unfortunately, he doesn’t always understand when to stop. To the couple with the bicycle who allowed Gage to play numerous times with the bike never becoming frustrated with him – I thank you. To the party that was going on in Pavilion 19 – thank you for allowing him to “crash” your party. I cannot begin to explain how thankful I was for all the understanding.

Gage has been doing amazingly well. The words that he is using every day have multiplied. I can’t even begin to remember all the words. Some I didn’t even realize he knew. While this helps with us being able to communicate with him, he still has his moments where we have no idea what he is trying to tell us. He has also started to be more social. He will tell me “hold hand mommy”. This generally means he wants to show me something. Just hearing my sweet boy say “mommy” will never get old. I waited almost 3 years to hear that word. I had said I wouldn’t complain when he started talking and I won’t. I love every word that comes out of his mouth.

Jillian turns 1 tomorrow. I am not sure I will have the time to write this tomorrow so I am writing this tonight. I can hardly believe that my little girl is turning 1. She truly completes our family. I will never forget the day I gave birth to her. When I looked at her, I knew immediately she was “Jillian”. I will always remember calling Jill after her birth to tell her the name. She had taken such interest in naming this little bundle of joy…She even mailed me a long list of names. In the end, we decided that Jillian was what suited her. Jill’s reaction was normal Jill and will stay with me forever. While she never met Jillian, I know she is with her every day. I miss her.

Until next time…

It takes a Village

I have learned a lot throughout my life. As a rule, I try to learn something new all the time. However, what I don’t like learning is things that affect my life negatively. One of those things is that I can only rely on myself. I know I say that with the absolute word “only”. I don’t mean 100% of the time. I would say 98% of the time. I haven’t been able to figure out why that is exactly because I always try to be supportive of others. It’s why I do what I do for work.

Personally, I have always had a difficult time asking for help…in other words I pretty much don’t ask until I am hanging by a thread and it is unraveling. I understand how important it is to take care of yourself and your relationships. I also know that divorce is VERY common among parents with children that have special needs. We have a child that needs extra support and understanding. Therefore, it makes it difficult to leave him with “just anyone” for extended periods of time. With Gage, things have to be done differently. You can’t reason with him like every other 3 year old. We pick our battles with him and usually those battles are for BIG things. For instance, right now we are focusing on potty training. That is the one area I don’t back down on with him even if it results in a 45 minute (or more) meltdown because he does NOT want to sit on the potty.  Anyways, I seemed to have digressed. My ADHD is kicking today.

I realize that support is imperative when raising any child, especially a child with special needs. It can be very stressful and you need that reconnection with your spouse. For example, Gage just started Pre-K (which he is adjusting fairly well…that’s a whole new entry) this week. It has been very crazy getting him adjusted to a different schedule. It has been nothing short of a miracle that I have been able to have him in bed AND asleep before 9 pm every night (thanks Melatonin). My point is during our days there is never really any time for my husband and me to connect. He leaves the house early for work and usually is gone until late in the evening. By the time he gets home, its dinner time and then he is ready for bed to start the whole routine over again the next day.

My question is what do people do if they have limited support? Because I am trying to figure it out.

Until next time…

Happy Birthday Gage!

Well I am 2 days late posting this but better late than never. January is my month of birthdays. It all starts off with Gage, then David, and finally Jillian. I am seriously considering celebrating the kids half birthdays.

I can't believe that my little boy is 3 already. I don't think I will ever forget his birth. He gave me quite the scare breaking my water 6 weeks early. Luckily, he only had to spend a few days in the NICU. At the time, I would have told you I was not going to go through that again. I have never been so scared. There were seriously more hospital staff in my room that day that I wasn't sure if we could fit anyone else in. If there was one thing I learned that day is that God is definitely in control. Well maybe I didn't learn it just then, but I was definitely reminded of it. I am not sure I have ever prayed so hard. My little guy came into this world all 4 lbs 14 oz with his own agenda and he has lived up to that. He definitely is not taking the road more traveled. He is carving his own way and teaching me along the way. He never ceases to amaze me. He has gone from not saying anything at all to saying words that I didn't even think he knew. He can count to 20 (with a little help). I would not trade it for anything in the world. He may not look at me all the time but when he does it makes me all the more happier. I never take for granted the little things. I waited to hear him say "Mommy" for almost 3 years and now I can't hear it enough. I always smile even when I feel like I could lose it. He does the sweetest stuff and says the most adorable things.

This week marks another chapter beginning for him. He will start a Pre-K class at an elementary school. He will be in an Autism class and I only hope that it helps him socially. I am starting to see him interact more with us and with other children as well. But he continues to stay to himself. He is also engaging in more pretend play.  David got him a little grill for his birthday and he immediately started to play with the food and prepare it. I know that God has great things in store for him. He has certainly already taught me a lot.

Until next time...