So this week has been rough. Gage was very difficult at daycare. He had several tantrums. He had one today. I got a call from the director saying I needed to pick him up. What is a parent supposed to do? Don't two year olds have temper tantrums?! I understand where they are coming from. I just wish I knew how to make it better. Gage does have some tantrums but at home with us we are able to manage them. They are mostly because he can't quite communicate what he wants.
I am so frustrated and just want to scream! Giving up is not an option! When did this nation become some self centered. It seems it is all about self preservation. I miss when people actually looked out for one another. I'm so afraid to see what it's going to look like in 20 years.
I wish more than anything right now I could stay home with Gage and Jillian, but that is just not an option. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to send him to daycare where they are ill equipped to deal with him and I don't think they want him back. I wish I had the solution. I don't think I will be coming into a small fortune anytime.
I just want to make it better for Gage. I know those tantrums are his way of trying to communicate even though it is less than effective. I watched him play tonight. He is such a wonderful and sweet child. I love the way he looks at me or comes up on the couch to snuggle. His giggles and words are the best sounds in the world. I love it when he helps Jillian by bringing her her binkie. He is perfect.
I have to trust that there is a reason for everything. I don't have to like it. The sun always comes out after the rain.
Until next time...
Friday, September 20, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
When did I grow up?
In attempting to de-clutter my life I was going through the boxes I have in the garage. I found some old CDs that I had burned while in college. I decided this morning it would be a good idea to listen to one if them. Afterward I wasn't so sure that was such a good decision (at least not on my way to work). Open flood gates. It's amazing how music holds so many memories for me. I forgot how much I really love it. I really connect through music. Gage seems to enjoy music just as much. It must be my dad coming through. College seems like an eternity ago but I remember it like yesterday. And when I put that CD on it took me right back to that moment in time.
Today was a rough day for Gage at daycare. I'm not quite sure why. It is so frustrating for me to have to drop him off everyday. I wish I could just stay at home and still be able to do my job. I guess in a perfect world. I was talking with David tonight dreaming about hitting Powerball. I swear if that .should ever happen I would immediately open a foundation of some sort to assist families with children that have any type of special needs. A parent should not feel like they are helpless. Obama should take that on. There are bigger fish than healthcare. I bet if one of his kids had an issue he would be taking that on and fighting for changes.
Our children are the future...the next generation of this country. I feel like so much has changed since I was a kid. Things are just different and I know that technology has a lot to do with it but I think just how we raise and parent our children has changed. Children are not in charge but somehow that has happened. Somewhere along the line we gave them that role. My children will not have everything they want. They will have to earn things. Everything in moderation right? I will never understand taking everything to the extreme.
I guess I have rambled enough tonight but I find that this is extremely therapeutic for me (that's the therapist in me).
Until next time...
Today was a rough day for Gage at daycare. I'm not quite sure why. It is so frustrating for me to have to drop him off everyday. I wish I could just stay at home and still be able to do my job. I guess in a perfect world. I was talking with David tonight dreaming about hitting Powerball. I swear if that .should ever happen I would immediately open a foundation of some sort to assist families with children that have any type of special needs. A parent should not feel like they are helpless. Obama should take that on. There are bigger fish than healthcare. I bet if one of his kids had an issue he would be taking that on and fighting for changes.
Our children are the future...the next generation of this country. I feel like so much has changed since I was a kid. Things are just different and I know that technology has a lot to do with it but I think just how we raise and parent our children has changed. Children are not in charge but somehow that has happened. Somewhere along the line we gave them that role. My children will not have everything they want. They will have to earn things. Everything in moderation right? I will never understand taking everything to the extreme.
I guess I have rambled enough tonight but I find that this is extremely therapeutic for me (that's the therapist in me).
Until next time...
Monday, September 16, 2013
Decisions
I am a bit delayed in writing about the memorial for Jill. I think I was trying to absorb it all. It was nothing short of amazing. Friday night we (Kelli, Jessica, Shippy, and I) paid tribute to Jill in her her own Ash-n-Dash. She would have been so proud. Thanks to the ladies at the Tri-Delta house for watching little Jillian so mommy could play. Saturday was beautiful. Jill was an amazing person. We had a balloon launch of black and gold balloons. It was pretty cool. I was so happy to reconnect with so many people.
I have realized so much recently. And I wonder why it took such an event to open my eyes. No longer will I make any excuses. Fear will no longer be the reason why I don't do something. Jill never let fear consume her (even if she felt it). I will embrace the feeling and run with it. I am sure it can fuel me just as well as hinder me.
I know this to be true:
1. Life is short so embrace it.
2. Jill may not be here physically but she is with me everyday.
3. Fear will not live with me any longer.
I want Gage and Jillian to grow up confident adults. I don't want them to think they can't do something. Failure is a part of life. It's how we get back up that defines us. In today's society we need to allow our children the opportunity to fail. How else will they learn. I am not the perfect parent. I mean how else can I teach my kids about picking up the pieces. Life is about the journey and the waves we make along the way.
Thank you Jill for being a part of my life and showing me all that it has to offer. You will never know the full impact you had on this Earth. My life will never be the same. Thanks for the waves...keep sending them to me.
Until next time....
I have realized so much recently. And I wonder why it took such an event to open my eyes. No longer will I make any excuses. Fear will no longer be the reason why I don't do something. Jill never let fear consume her (even if she felt it). I will embrace the feeling and run with it. I am sure it can fuel me just as well as hinder me.
I know this to be true:
1. Life is short so embrace it.
2. Jill may not be here physically but she is with me everyday.
3. Fear will not live with me any longer.
I want Gage and Jillian to grow up confident adults. I don't want them to think they can't do something. Failure is a part of life. It's how we get back up that defines us. In today's society we need to allow our children the opportunity to fail. How else will they learn. I am not the perfect parent. I mean how else can I teach my kids about picking up the pieces. Life is about the journey and the waves we make along the way.
Thank you Jill for being a part of my life and showing me all that it has to offer. You will never know the full impact you had on this Earth. My life will never be the same. Thanks for the waves...keep sending them to me.
Until next time....
Friday, September 06, 2013
Signs
I am just jumping right in today. It's been a crazy couple of weeks. I don't want to seem like I am complaining because I am not. I just wonder when I will get a break. Today I would have given anything to be a stay at home mommy for no other reason but to be with my children and help Gage. (I really need to win the lottery but that is another topic for a different day).
Let me start with work today...Thursdays are usually a day full of meetings for me. I started with my morning meeting as usual. At this meeting there is usually a video of some sort shown. Today it was about Richie Parker. This guy was born with no arms. Just watch the video. I wouldn't do it any justice trying to explain it. Well with everything going on in my home right now with Gage, it totally hit home. Then I go to my office where I have another meeting with all the managers. Just like the first meeting, we generally watch a video of some sort. Today it was Kathryn Schulz talking about being wrong. I know the video is a bit long but take the opportunity to watch it. It took all my power to not completely lose it at work.
OK I GET IT!!!!!!!! I just need a break. I totally felt like Jill was with me all day while all this was going on. I know what the message is. I am just not sure I am able to fully accept it without further evaluation. I have to remember that the things we can not change end up changing us. I know I am being presented with this path for a reason. I need to stop fighting it and open myself up to it. I am still going to have him fully evaluated by a neurologist and I also think I am going to get a Sensory Evaluation. I just want to make sure there is no other possible reason.
When I got home, it was time to get ready for the weekend. I am headed to Orlando tomorrow for Jill's Memorial at UCF. I know it is going to be good. I am just afraid that all the strength I have had in the last month is not quite there. I think this is going to be one big giant cry fest for me. I am ok with that. I think I haven't allowed myself to grieve fully. I have so much swirling around my head right now.
I know that I am not the only person to have shit (for lack of a better word) happen to me. I know it makes me who I am. I am trying to look at these situations differently. I am not perfect...I am human...I am a mom and I only want what is best for my children.
It's late and I could ramble on for hours about the same thing so I will stop now.
Until next time....
Let me start with work today...Thursdays are usually a day full of meetings for me. I started with my morning meeting as usual. At this meeting there is usually a video of some sort shown. Today it was about Richie Parker. This guy was born with no arms. Just watch the video. I wouldn't do it any justice trying to explain it. Well with everything going on in my home right now with Gage, it totally hit home. Then I go to my office where I have another meeting with all the managers. Just like the first meeting, we generally watch a video of some sort. Today it was Kathryn Schulz talking about being wrong. I know the video is a bit long but take the opportunity to watch it. It took all my power to not completely lose it at work.
OK I GET IT!!!!!!!! I just need a break. I totally felt like Jill was with me all day while all this was going on. I know what the message is. I am just not sure I am able to fully accept it without further evaluation. I have to remember that the things we can not change end up changing us. I know I am being presented with this path for a reason. I need to stop fighting it and open myself up to it. I am still going to have him fully evaluated by a neurologist and I also think I am going to get a Sensory Evaluation. I just want to make sure there is no other possible reason.
When I got home, it was time to get ready for the weekend. I am headed to Orlando tomorrow for Jill's Memorial at UCF. I know it is going to be good. I am just afraid that all the strength I have had in the last month is not quite there. I think this is going to be one big giant cry fest for me. I am ok with that. I think I haven't allowed myself to grieve fully. I have so much swirling around my head right now.
I know that I am not the only person to have shit (for lack of a better word) happen to me. I know it makes me who I am. I am trying to look at these situations differently. I am not perfect...I am human...I am a mom and I only want what is best for my children.
It's late and I could ramble on for hours about the same thing so I will stop now.
Until next time....
Sunday, September 01, 2013
A Walk Down Memory Lane
On Friday, I went UCF and visited the Tri Delta house. I hadn't been back since I graduated in 1998. I was meeting with the Chapter president about some details for Jill's memorial. It was surreal being there at first. Although the house has been remodeled it was still the same. I could see rush and all the shenanigans that went on while I was living there. I could also feel Jill. I realized that although it's been a long time since "coming home", it never really changes.
I sat and chatted with the Chapter President for a while. I am thankful that she listened to all my old stories. I wanted to try to give her a glimpse into who Jill was. I am not sure that I really could give her that in the little time we had. But she listened and they have come up with a wonderful banner to honor Jill next weekend. I can't wait to see it hanging in front of the Tri Delta house. Jill would be so honored.
It was interesting talking with Chapter President. Things are so different now. They no longer do any skits for rush :( that totally bummed me out. I talked about all the shenanigans we would get into. She was surprised that some of what I was talking about was true. She thought they were just myths or urban legends. LOL. While the Greek life at UCF has changed quite a bit, I realized that the sisterhood is still the same and always will be. While we all join a Greek organization for different reasons, we stay for one....SISTERHOOD! It isn't just for four years, it is forever. Sometimes life might get in the way but we will always be there for each other. Thank you Beta Lambda for all the memories.
Until next time...
I sat and chatted with the Chapter President for a while. I am thankful that she listened to all my old stories. I wanted to try to give her a glimpse into who Jill was. I am not sure that I really could give her that in the little time we had. But she listened and they have come up with a wonderful banner to honor Jill next weekend. I can't wait to see it hanging in front of the Tri Delta house. Jill would be so honored.
It was interesting talking with Chapter President. Things are so different now. They no longer do any skits for rush :( that totally bummed me out. I talked about all the shenanigans we would get into. She was surprised that some of what I was talking about was true. She thought they were just myths or urban legends. LOL. While the Greek life at UCF has changed quite a bit, I realized that the sisterhood is still the same and always will be. While we all join a Greek organization for different reasons, we stay for one....SISTERHOOD! It isn't just for four years, it is forever. Sometimes life might get in the way but we will always be there for each other. Thank you Beta Lambda for all the memories.
Until next time...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)