Where do I start? I celebrated another year of being here. I really haven't had much time to reflect like I've always done around my birthday. Time seems to slip away from me these days. Jill's mom texted me on October 10th to wish me a Happy Birthday for Jill. It made me smile. That was always her thing with me. It had to do with the date of her lung transplant. I've been really emotional the past few days...really missing her. Since her passing, I would sense her all the time. It seems that recently I don't feel her presence as much and that makes me sad. I don't ever want to forget. That grief I have kept bottled up is seeping to the top waiting to come out. I feel it. I'm not sure why I won't allow myself to fully feel it. I know I will feel better. I think I'm afraid if I let go of it then I feel like I'm letting go of her. I miss her and I know that will never change. I will always have my reminder of her in Jillian. I just wish she would have been able to meet her and hold her.
Jill wanted to write a book about her story...I think this might be the one goal that she didn't obtain. I want to do this for her...even if it takes me years. I think her story should be told. She has been such an inspiration to so many people.
Switching gears...Gage is talking more now. He is saying all sorts of things. He even will talk when we ask him. Those are the sweetest and best sounds I could ask for. I waited almost 3 years to hear them and I love every second of them. We have the neurologist appointment next week. I am nervous but ready to have a definitive answer. He is the most amazing, sweet, loving, animated little boy. I couldn't ask for a better little boy. Nothing I hear at the neurologist will make a difference in who he is as a person. I know he is destined to great things. His path is going to be a little different than everyone else. My job will be to guide him on his journey.
I have spent many nights in the past couple of weeks having difficulty sleeping. I know I'm allowing my anxiety to take control. I just can't seem to turn off my brain. I lay in bed and think of so much to
write but never write it down. I think I've probably written 10 blogs in my head the past few weeks. I refuse to let the anxiety take control. I have to remember to let go of what I can not control. On two different occasions I was in the car and just scanning the radio stations when a song caught my attention both times. It's called "Blessings" by Laura Story. It really speaks to me. I need to start listening to music again. It really is my peaceful place. It's the way I process life. For me it is very therapeutic.
I think this blog is one of the longest I have written. I could probably keep rambling but I need to stop for now.
Until next time...
1 comment:
Jill will always be there.....she is the song you here, the things you see, the baby you are raising that has her name :) Days come and go, and we RUSH through them, getting on with the world around us and then BOOM, there they are....making sure that you slow down when you need to.
I hope you do write a book for Jill, about Jill....I can't wait to read it!
Until then, I hope the rainbows that I see that I think of as my dad saying hi....and the yellow butterflies that visit from a friends mom....and the cardinals that hang out at school because my grandpa told them to....stop to see you too. Let me know how Jill says hi and when she visits, I'll let you know :)
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