Living Life

I have to say I am really glad to be back home. I really missed being in HOT, sunny South Florida. I feel better (psychologically). I missed my family and my friends. I guess you don't know what you have until it's gone.

I am trying to live free from fear. That is a difficult thing to do. But fear stops you from living. If I have learned nothing else in my years on this earth, it's that fear is CRIPPLING. I know, I know. I have ranted about this before. But I can't believe how much fear rules some people's lives (including my own). So, I made the decision that this is the end of the road. No more. Fear will be with me no longer. I want to feel free not trapped. And that is how it feels to have fear controlling your life. It is possible that I may get hurt in the process, but that is part of living. The best part about being hurt is remembering the way it felt before the hurt. And the hurt goes away ~ eventually. I should say that it fades with time.

Life is full of choices and decisions. Those decisions lead us down our paths. I am truly convinced that NOTHING that happens in our life is by chance. I believe that there is a reason for everything. We may not understand that reason, but it is there. If you have never read Mitch Albom's book, The Five People you meet in Heaven, (or something like that) it is a must read. It is very short and talks about the five people the main character meets in heaven. Each person is to help bring some understanding to this person's life. I hope and pray that one day I will understand why things go the way they do. But for now it is not meant for me to understand. So, I am thinking less and taking more risks (emotionally). I know that what is meant to be will be and I have to let go. Because trying to control it, doesn't work. It hasn't for the last 29 years, so why would it start to work now.

So, for now, I am letting go and living. No matter what the outcome might be. Guarding my heart has only brought disappointment and sorrow. And I am no longer ok with surviving.

"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. " ~ O.S. Marden

Until next time...

Control

So, I got a job!! I am going to be working with foster children. I will see how I like it because it wasn't my first choice. But I needed a job and this is no time to be picky.
I am so glad to be back in sunny South Florida. I know now that this is where I belong. Whatever is meant for my life will be. I need to stop trying to control every aspect of it. It is not humanly possible.
I realize that when things in my life start to go well I tend to sabotage them. I am the queen at ruining a good thing. FEAR That is the most crippling word in the English language. Fear causes people to not live. I guess that is what has been in control of my life for the past few years ~ Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt. Fear of being a failure. That fear manifests itself in so many different ways. It is unbelieveable. My job as a therapist/counselor is to help others and that is the easiest thing I have ever done. I am good at helping others. The hard part is helping yourself.
I have made several conscious decisions over the past week. I refuse to let fear be in control anymore. I also refuse to walk away when something doesn't go how I want it to. Perfection does not exist in "real" life ~ only in fairy tales. And those don't exist either. So that leaves me to conclude that everytime I try to control every facet of my life, things go out of control. So many times I have been told to "let go and let God" and when I do that, things are great. So that is what is going to start happening again. I don't want to sound like some religious "freak". But God is in control and the sooner I let go of control maybe, just maybe, things will get back in order.
Until next time...

Family

This is my niece, my sister and me

This is my "little" sister. She recently got engaged.

Fairy tales don't exist

Well I have been back in West Palm Beach for a few days. The job search is going ok. I have had a few interviews. I hope I find a job soon because I am going to go crazy doing nothing.
I weighed myself today and I am down 36 pounds!!! I am so excited. It feels so good. Although, it has been a tough week with feeling not so good. I think it is because I haven't been drinking enough water. It is hard to remember sometimes. I am thankful for all the support and well wishes I have been receiving. I always wonder what people I haven't seen in awhile think when they read my blog.
I have learned a lot on this journey. I realize that happiness isn't a destination, it is a journey. Everything in your life adds up to happiness. My whole life I have believed in fairy tales and prince charming coming and sweeping me off of my feet. What I now realize is that is not how it happens. I am not even sure that fairy tales exist. I turn 30 next month and my fairy tale has yet to happen. I am not married. I do not have any children - human ones at least. Both of these I want more than anything. I know how to help others with their issues, but I seem incapable or unable to help myself. I know that everything happens according to God's plan. I have always been impatient and maybe God is trying to teach me patience. It just seems that every guy I date gets married right after me. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know that life is not meant to be easy. But was it meant to be so damn hard?!

Resolution

Today will be my last day work. It has been a tough week. Most of the kids that I see, I have been seeing as long as I have been at my job. It was an emotional week. I had a few foster parents tell me that I am the best therapist they have had in 20 years. That was definitely an ego booster. On the other hand it is sad to leave and not see the progression of my clients.

Earlier this week I had a dream about Nick Lachey. I know what you all are thinking - CRAZY!!! At the time, I had no idea what the dream meant. Then today I was driving home and I was listening to Nick's new CD. The final song on the CD is called "Resolution". It suddenly hit me what my dream meant.

In order to explain the meaning of my dream, I have to take you back to when I moved to Massachusetts in the first place. Kelly Clarkson had a song call "Breakaway". At that time, it was my theme song. My move to Massachusetts was for me to get away from Florida and clear my head. I just needed to "breakaway". Now almost 2 years later, I am resolved. I have learned a lot about myself and what I want out of life. I am no longer happy just sitting back waiting for life to "happen". I am going to make it happen. This is MY resolution.
Music has always been a large part of my life. I always seem to identify things that are occurring in my life to music. It is my expression. It's definitely something I inherited from dad - his love for music.

I am continuing to do well in my recovery. I have lost a total of 32 pounds to date. Everyday I am so happy I made the decision that I did. I know was the best choice for me.

I am leaving early Friday morning to make the trip back to Florida - part 1 at least. I am almost done packing the car up. I will come home from work today and take a little nappy. Then I will get up and start the 24 hour drive back to West Palm Beach.

Well it's late...Until next time.....

I HATE MOVING

Moving really sucks. And when you move 1500 miles, it REALLY SUCKS!!!! There has been yet another change of plans. My brother was unable to secure affordable airfare, therefore I will pack up my car with the essentials and the animals and head home to West Palm next week for some interviews. Then I will fly my happy ass (hopefully with someone willing to help) back to Boston, pack up the rest of my stuff and drive (yet again) back to West Palm. This seems to be the best solution right now. I am not sure of any other way.

I saw my surgeon today. She is happy for me that I am moving home. She told me to stay in touch and send her an email from time to time. I really like her. She is the best. She also said that she was going to find me a bariatric surgeon down there to follow me. As for my progress, I am doing well. I have lost a total of 31 pounds. My incision is completely healed so I am able to go swimming and take a bath if I wanted. :) My sense of smell is getting a little better. I am also able to add in some fruits and vegetables as long as I am getting my protein in. I promise I will post some pictures this weekend.

Well thats all for now...Until next time.......

Moving

Today was a boring day. I did nothing. Story of my life right now. I am trying to get everything packed up before my brother arrives that way he just has to load the truck and we can be on our merry little way. Although, I am a little stressed right now. Since the surgery, I haven't really been working that much so money is VERY tight and I am trying to scrape up enough so that I can get back to Florida. The weekend of the 15th is the only weekend that my brother is able to come up to help. So, I am praying that God will provide and that the gas prices continue to drop. So everyone pray with me. I would say that I am probably half way packed. This weekend I am going to go to my aunt's to say my goodbyes. I know that my cousins are going to have a difficult time with this. I spoke with my aunt today and she told me that she was going to tell them tonight. I hope they took it ok.

Well thats all for now. Until next time.......

Week 5

ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! I was trying to post and I lost it. So I have to start from scratch. I have been busy packing and getting things tied up for my move. It looks like I will be heading back to sunny South Florida on Sept. 15th. My brother and his new wife (whom I have never met) are going to fly up to drive back with me. I am still on a lift restriction so I can pack but I can't lift anything over 10 pounds - which is everything. My friend Tara has a vacant townhouse that she owns, so I will be staying there until I can figure out what I want to do on a more permanent basis. I am also still working on obtaining a job. I am not worried. I know that God will provide.

Weight loss is going good. I have lost about 29 pounds. I have to go see the doctor for my 6 week follow up appointment on Friday. I also get to add some new foods to my diet this week . YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I never thought I would be excited to eat vegetables. I have been having issues with eating over the past week becuase my snese of smell is incredibly good since the surgery. I smell something and I get naseaus. It really sucks.

Gizmo is doing well since we have returned home. Although, I think he knows something is up because when I am packing he is sitting on my lap. He has calmed down a lot and is not chewing on my hand as much. He is also listening better. And he is going to the bathroom outside for the most part.

Well I can't seem to remember everything I wrote in the other post that is lost. So thats all for now. Until next time.......