My New Baby

I know I have been terrible at blogging. A lot is going on so let me fill everyone in. I made the trip to Pennsylvania to pick up the puppy. WOW was that an interesting time. The drive wasn't that bad. It took us about 6 1/2 hours and my cousin was the best I have ever seen her. She fell in love with the standard poodles at the breeders. Anyways, we arrived at the breeder's place (who lives out in the middle of no where and we almost ran out of gas!! We even saw Amish people) and the woman was a bit disorganized. I think she had too much fun in the 70's. She told me that she couldn't remember if someone else had put a deposit on my little one. Needless to say I was furious. I made her call the woman to verify and she was wrong!!! Thank God!!!!! So I purchased my little one. She gave him a bath and a haircut. And we were on our way. Now came the part where we had to name the little one. At first, I thought Martini would be cute. But then I thought about having to explain that to my clients I see. So that was thrown out. Then I figured Simba would be great, seeing as I am from Florida. Well no one liked that one. So finally, on the third try, I settled on Gizmo. Gizmo is adjusting well. He had his first vet appointment last Friday. He goes back on July 15th for his last round of shots. He weighs 2.6 pounds. I will try to post a picture when I get a chance. If you want to see him now you can go to Jill's blog at www.balboniblog.blogspot.com. There is a cute picture of him with her iced coffee.

Update on the surgery: I have finished all of my tests and I am just waiting on my date. I am really getting impatient (big surprise). I just want to know when it is already. I have to start to prepare myself. I will keep everyone updated as I find things out.

Well I must be going. Until next time.................................

A New Beginning

Well, its been awhile since I last posted. I am doing much better. I have my good days and my bad days. I am pleased to report that I have found another puppy. I will be travelling with my aunt to Pennsylvania on Saturday to pick him up. He is 9 weeks old and looks similar to Scooter. I know that nothing can replace my baby. I have been more upbeat since I found him....smiling and less sad about the loss of Scooter. I miss him dearly and I am sure it will take a lot of time for that wound to heal. But I have to go on, like I tell my clients. You have to figure out a way around the road blocks and pot holes in life. I easily could have stayed in bed for weeks, but that would have made matters worse. Mattie, the kittie, is still a little freaked out. She has been waking me up in the middle of the night licking me. Not quite sure why she is doing that, but it is utterly annoying. Well it is late and I am tired. I will post pictures of the road trip asap. More next time...............

In Memory.....

This is my baby, Scooter. I miss him dearly.

The Saddest Day of My Life

Memorial Day was the hardest and saddest day for me. I brought Scooter to work with me because I was worried how he would at home alone. On the way home, he had his head out the window like always. He must have saw something because he jumped out the window and was then hit by another car. Unfortunately, he was killed. I am overwhelmed with grief. I am not quite sure what exactly to do. I don't want to go home. My Aunt came out immediately when I called her. She stayed with me over night and helped to organize the new place a little bit. Yesterday, I went to my psych appointment. After that, I went out to my aunt and uncle's house to have a burial for Scooter. It is going to be rough for awhile.

More later...............

Reflection

With the upcoming move and my impending surgery, I have been very reflective. My weight reflects so much more than just excess weight. It has been my protection for so long. I am not quite sure what I have needed protection from - possibly being emotionally hurt. Well I have proven that the weight doesn't protect you from that. It only makes you more lonely and miserable. I have spent so many years chasing this person I thought I should be or I thought I wanted to be, that I don't think I know who I am. I have the Purpose Driven Life (both the book and CDs). However, I think I am afraid to let go of what I know, even though I am not that happy. I know I am happy when I help other people, but then I seem to lose myself in that (at least what I think of as "myself"). I don't doubt that I am a good person. I guess I am just trying to figure out why I am here on this earth. Because I don't believe God put me here to feel terrible about myself. I know I have been unhappy, but I relate that to my excess weight. However, it's easy to not be happy when someone tells you that you are out of touch with reality. You really start to doubt your already lowered self esteem and withdraw even more.

When you walk 2 feet and your lower back hurts so bad you have to sit down, one can't be happy. When you walk slowly around the mall and your face gets so red that someone would think you just ran a marathon, one can't be happy. When you can't sit up in bed without rolling over first, one can't be happy. When you can't tie your sneakers by yourself, one can't be happy. When you have 10 different sizes of jeans in your closet, one can't be happy. I am tired of having my weight, weigh me down. If anyone else has ever felt this way, then you can relate to how I am feeling.

I know that this surgery isn't going to solve everything. I know that I have to change my diet. I know that change HAS to be forever. My wish is that through this process I find who I truly am. I am so thankful that my family is able to put their emotional feelings behind them and support me. I am not sure I could have made it through it without them. I truly am blessed to have a wonderful family.

When I receive the date of the surgery I will post that along with a picture and my starting weight (as bad as it might be). I want this to be a journey of weight loss and re-birth. This is my chance.

Until next time........................

More tests

I was able to get a hold of the sleep center today. I have my sleep study scheduled for June 3rd. Now all we have to do is hope and pray that I don't have sleep apnea. Otherwise that could push my surgery date back. I don't have the appointment for the consultation with the doctor until July 20th. Dr. Vernon's office said that if I have sleep apnea I have to have the CPAP machine in my house 24 to 48 hours before the surgery. So I am hoping that everything goes ok. I just wanted to keep those of you who are reading updated. Until next time...............

The hardest reveal

Well I told Nana today. That was the hardest thing I had to do. She took it well. I know she was upset, which I expected. I called Aunt Pam to let her know so she could call and check on her. So, I only have to tell my brother this weekend when he comes to help me move. I only hope it goes as well as everyone else has. Well I am going to finish packing.

Until next time...........

Results

So, I was in Boston this morning for the ultrasound of my gallbladder and the upper GI testing. The ultrasound was first and was very easy. I don't have any gallstones so that means I get to keep my gallbladder. Then, I went for the upper GI test. YUCK!!!!!!! If you have never had an upper GI test, just hope that you never have to. You have to drink this fizzy stuff followed by barium, which is this white chalky stuff. And let me tell you, it doesn't taste very good at all. But the cool thing was that I got to see pictures of my belly. So I was able to see my stomach and my esophogus. It looked really cool. Everything looks good from that perspective also. So the next step is the psych eval and if I can ever get a hold of the sleep people. Then hopefully I will ge tmy actual surgery date. I am so excited. I really want this fresh start. I have spent too long living behind this weight. I am ready for the changes I need to make in order to be healthy.

I have found that everyone I have run into is very supportive. And I am very grateful and thankful for this. I will need all the support I can get to get through the first few weeks.

The house is almost all paccked up and my brother is coming up next weekend to help me move. I am hoping to get a few things moved this weekend. At least I can clear up some of the clutter. It is like a maze in the house.

More later...........

Testing

So, tomorrow is my first set of tests for the surgery. I have to have an ultrasound of my abdomen and an upper GI test. Then on May 30th its the psych eval - which is standard for all surgery candidates. I am excited to get the show on the road. In other news, my Aunt Joy figured out my plans from reading my blog. Thanks for reading Aunt Joy. I am ready for this new chapter to begin. I have been unhappy and unhealthy for too long. I know its not going to be an easy road, but I know that the outcome is worth the journey. I am just glad I decided to tell Aunt Pam. Its nice to have the support and know that someone really cares about you. I know the emotional pain is going to be great for that side of the family and I wish there was some way to ease that pain. All I know is that I feel very calm and comfortable with the decision. I know that God and everyone else up in heaven will be watching over me that day.

Well I need to get back to my paper. Until next time........

The BIG Reveal

So I didn't things could get any worse this week with all of the rain but I was wrong. I went to my aunt's this weekend for my cousin's birthday. I had contemplated all week whether or not to tell her about the surgery. I was afraid of her reaction. I mean I know that she would be reasonable and understand that we are no where things were 30 years ago when my father decided to have a similar experimental surgery. However, she took it better than I thought. We had gone out for dinner and drinks after my eventful day. I decided after 2 margaritas (a.k.a liquid courage) to drop the bomb. She initially thought I was going to tell her that I was moving back to Florida. Nope!!! Anyways we discussed the entire procedure and my decision. She is supportive although emotionally apprehensive, which is understandable. She told me she would have been very upset with me if I wouldn't have told her before the surgery. Now I have to tell Nana. That one I haven't begun to figure out how to do. I have a week to figure it out. My brother will be told over Memorial Day Weekend while he is here to help me move. So thats all of them. My aunt said she would go with me to the pre-op appointment. I feel better and more supportive. I know this is hard emotionally for all of them because of my father, but I need to be healthly and I know they are all worried about my weight. I am at peace with this decision. It is the same peace I felt when I decided to move to Massachusetts. I know it will be difficult on them, but I pray for strength for them to help them get through the initial pain and know that I am doing this be healthy. I know good things will come after this. So needless to say, this weekend has been very difficult and emotional. I only know that telling Nana will be the most difficult. But I don't have a choice because if I don't tell her, Aunt Pam will. So I will be thinking of ways to tell her. I am not sure there is any way to do it that will ease the emotional pain. But I pray to God that he will give me the strength to tell her and that He gives her the strength to deal with the emotions that come with it. Because I KNOW that I am making the right decision.

Until next time........

The appointment

Perception...I find it funny how we all perceive situations differently. I am taking a class on learning and memory this term. It is very interesting to learn about our memory and how things affect it.

The other day on the Today Show there was an interview with this guy who walked across America from California to New York. His story is amazing and courageous. However, I think it is not much different from most overweight people. His walk was meant to help him lose weight and learn new habits to replace the old bad habits. He has a website and it is very interesting to read through the entries - www.thefatmanwalking.com. If you get a chance, check it out.

In other news, my appointment went well. I still have to the psych portion and in addition, I have to have an upper GI test and a sleep apnea study. After all of that, I will be cleared to have the procedure. It looks like it will be scheduled for August with the possibility of moving the date if someone else's date falls through. I am feeling a sense of relief and I KNOW things will get better after this. I know it isn't going to fix everything (I have to do that work), but it is a start and a BIG help. I just want a fresh start. I want to feel better about myself. I know who I am, but there are people who can't see past the fat. I just want to be healthy and I am taking the steps necessary to do that.

Well I am going to finish watching ER....until next time......

Peace

Well the residency is over tomorrow and I am heading home. I can't wait to see Scooter. I miss him so much. I was cleaning out my car and I found a poem that I got in college. I thought I would post it here.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high and your eyes wide open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. You learn to build your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground is tgoo uncertain and futures have a way of falling down in midflight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong. And that you really do have worth and that you keep learning. With every goodbye you learn.

Until tomorrow..........

New Hampshire

I have to say that I am enjoying New Hampshire. The weather has been beautiful and I have been able to relax without worrying about anything. Scooter is at home with Jill and I am very appreciative for this. Things are tense between us, but I hope they can settle soon. In other news, I found a place to live a few towns away. Good news is I can take the kittie and the dog. Yippie!!!!!! Now I just have to get packing so that I can move at the end of the month. A new chapter begins and the wait to see how things go. I see the doctor on May 5th. Only 1 week to go!!!!!!! I am excited. I have a positive feeling about this decision. I have my reasons for choosing to do it the way that I am. Once it is all finished, I will tell those who need to know. This is a health concern for me.

The residency isn't what I thought it would be. However, I am enjoying the intensive seminar on forensic psychology. It is very interesting. Well I am exhausted. Until next time......................

Happy Easter

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!! I am not sure I have much new news to report. I have decided to try and lose some weight befor my appointment on May 5th. I am going to try to do the Atkins diet. I have to only get through this week and then I will be in New Hampshire next week for school. I need the break frm reality. I don't know what I am going to do about the living situation, but I have to figure out something. I don't know how I am going to afford living by myself plus taking the time off after the surgery. I have to hope and pray that God will give me the answer. Thanks to my faithful readers or reader Musketeer #2. I really needed those words of encouragement.

Until next time.............................

I told you that I wouldn't be good at blogging everyday. It's too difficult to put my life in words sometimes. The countdown is on....only about 3 weeks left until my appointment. I am getting so anxious. I just want it done already. I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life. Who would have thought that I would ever get this big?! I guess thats my genes working overtime. Lucky me. In other news, Jill is spending a lot of time with her new boyfriend and his daughter. She tries to include me, but I have always been the third wheel. I was in college and I don't want to be the "tag-along" anymore. I know she only means the best, its just difficult. I am scared, too. I am scared that I will be all alone. That is a very real reality. I guess it feels like things will never work themselves out and the one thing I truly want more than anything, I will never have. I find that I am always searching for something and never finding "it". I know I need to let go, but that is too difficult for me. I only pray that God can give me the courage and strength to accept whatever turns my life takes. I never in a million years thought I would be single at 30. It's been a tough couple of weeks. I guess I really needed to unload. Until next time................

Well, I was informed that I need to update this daily. I am not sure if I can accomplish that, but I will surely try. I have been feeling a little down lately. That could be because of my recent weight gain. I am not sure what is going on with me. I just know that something has to change soon. I am going to try my protein shake diet for at least a week to see if I can get some of this extra weight off. I am so uncomfortable. Jill has been spending a lot of time with her boyfriend. I am happy for her, happy that she has finally found someone that will treat her the way she deserves. As for my love search, I have put that on hold. I know that I will never find someone looking and feeling like I do right now. Well I have about 6 months until I turn 30. I can't really think about that, it stresses me out. I know good things will happen and come eventually. But I am impatient and can't stand having to wait. But I have to. Thats all for now.......

Well Happy Monday to all!!! Mondays have become a source of pain for me. Let me explain....I work fee-for-service, which just means I only get paid when I see my clients. Needless to say, I have had a significant amount of no shows and cancellations and Mondays seem to be a cancellation day. It sucks. Anyways...I will deal with it. I always seem to.

Another pain today, Scooter's surgery was not covered by his insurance. I am NOT happy about that. But what am I going to do. I can't change their decision.

On to other news.....Friday I have to have a spot on my stomach removed. It is squamous cells. So all of you in Florida, make sure you put your sunscreen on. I am off to my aunt's house this weekend right after the procedure. Scooter and I will make the trip to Westboro. Hopefully the anesthesia won't wear off until I get there. Hopefully, Scooter will be cooperative in the car and not jump all over my stomach.

Until next time.....

Well here I am...trying to be better at blogging. I guess I just get wrapped up in what is going on I don't feel like writing it down. Writing it down means I actually need to deal with it. I am trying to figure out why people are so cruel and superficial. I would have thought that I would have found someone by this time. I turn 30 this year and still nothing. That is a hard thing for me to swallow. I know everyone tells me that it will happen when the time is right. But we all want companionship. It sucks being lonely. I guess it is a feeling that I have come to know. All I want is to be happy and have a family.

My crazyness has slowed down a little bit. I am not teaching this term. I need the break. I took on too much this past term and I have been suffering the consequences.

Well it is late and I have my parenting group in the morning...until next time.......

We just finished watching the movie In Her Shoes. It was very good.

I was just sitting at the table procrastinating and listening to my IPOD. I am wondering why people in this world are so superficial. I am continuing to have a difficult time taking the weight off and actually, I have gained. It is so difficult because I haven't always been this way. I have never had trouble meeting people or guys. It sucks because I know that I have so much to offer someone. I just want to find someone who can love and accept me for who I am- fat and all. I never would have realized how much pain comes with all of the fat. Which is ironic in itself because my eating has always to fill something inside of me. I have never been sure what exactly. But all I know is that the more I eat the more pain I feel. I try to stop eating but I feel empty. I am starting to get desparate. I almost think I might do ANYTHING to get this weight off. Something has to give....soon.

until next time...............

I know I have been a bad blogger. I just have had such a boring life lately. Actually, I have been sooooooo busy that I don't have time at all. I just got back from Florida. I was there for 10 days for my friend' s, Dana, wedding. It was absolutely the most beautiful wedding that I have ever seen. I am not sure if I have ever seen two people more in love. I will post pictures soon.

I am back at school. I am going online to get my Ph.D. So this term I was just so overwhelmed between work, teaching, and school. I am not sure what I was thinking when I took on so much. Needless to say, I have survived somewhat. I am tired. I am not teaching the March term. So I am going to take the time to recoup.

Before I left for Florida, I had an inteview at Girls and BoysTown of New England for a program coordinator position. I am not sure how it went. We will see. If I don't hear anything by Tuesday, I am going to give the site director a call. All I know is that I need to find a salary job soon. I can't do this fee-for-service full time. It's too stressful not knowing what I am going to get paid. I would really enjoy working for GBT again. I totally believe in their mission. We will see.

Scooter also had to have surgery (see picture above). :( Poor thing. He did NOT like the ecollar. He's doing better though. He is starting to use his leg more and more.

Well I need to go now.....until next time........