The Saddest Day of My Life

Memorial Day was the hardest and saddest day for me. I brought Scooter to work with me because I was worried how he would at home alone. On the way home, he had his head out the window like always. He must have saw something because he jumped out the window and was then hit by another car. Unfortunately, he was killed. I am overwhelmed with grief. I am not quite sure what exactly to do. I don't want to go home. My Aunt came out immediately when I called her. She stayed with me over night and helped to organize the new place a little bit. Yesterday, I went to my psych appointment. After that, I went out to my aunt and uncle's house to have a burial for Scooter. It is going to be rough for awhile.

More later...............

Reflection

With the upcoming move and my impending surgery, I have been very reflective. My weight reflects so much more than just excess weight. It has been my protection for so long. I am not quite sure what I have needed protection from - possibly being emotionally hurt. Well I have proven that the weight doesn't protect you from that. It only makes you more lonely and miserable. I have spent so many years chasing this person I thought I should be or I thought I wanted to be, that I don't think I know who I am. I have the Purpose Driven Life (both the book and CDs). However, I think I am afraid to let go of what I know, even though I am not that happy. I know I am happy when I help other people, but then I seem to lose myself in that (at least what I think of as "myself"). I don't doubt that I am a good person. I guess I am just trying to figure out why I am here on this earth. Because I don't believe God put me here to feel terrible about myself. I know I have been unhappy, but I relate that to my excess weight. However, it's easy to not be happy when someone tells you that you are out of touch with reality. You really start to doubt your already lowered self esteem and withdraw even more.

When you walk 2 feet and your lower back hurts so bad you have to sit down, one can't be happy. When you walk slowly around the mall and your face gets so red that someone would think you just ran a marathon, one can't be happy. When you can't sit up in bed without rolling over first, one can't be happy. When you can't tie your sneakers by yourself, one can't be happy. When you have 10 different sizes of jeans in your closet, one can't be happy. I am tired of having my weight, weigh me down. If anyone else has ever felt this way, then you can relate to how I am feeling.

I know that this surgery isn't going to solve everything. I know that I have to change my diet. I know that change HAS to be forever. My wish is that through this process I find who I truly am. I am so thankful that my family is able to put their emotional feelings behind them and support me. I am not sure I could have made it through it without them. I truly am blessed to have a wonderful family.

When I receive the date of the surgery I will post that along with a picture and my starting weight (as bad as it might be). I want this to be a journey of weight loss and re-birth. This is my chance.

Until next time........................

More tests

I was able to get a hold of the sleep center today. I have my sleep study scheduled for June 3rd. Now all we have to do is hope and pray that I don't have sleep apnea. Otherwise that could push my surgery date back. I don't have the appointment for the consultation with the doctor until July 20th. Dr. Vernon's office said that if I have sleep apnea I have to have the CPAP machine in my house 24 to 48 hours before the surgery. So I am hoping that everything goes ok. I just wanted to keep those of you who are reading updated. Until next time...............

The hardest reveal

Well I told Nana today. That was the hardest thing I had to do. She took it well. I know she was upset, which I expected. I called Aunt Pam to let her know so she could call and check on her. So, I only have to tell my brother this weekend when he comes to help me move. I only hope it goes as well as everyone else has. Well I am going to finish packing.

Until next time...........

Results

So, I was in Boston this morning for the ultrasound of my gallbladder and the upper GI testing. The ultrasound was first and was very easy. I don't have any gallstones so that means I get to keep my gallbladder. Then, I went for the upper GI test. YUCK!!!!!!! If you have never had an upper GI test, just hope that you never have to. You have to drink this fizzy stuff followed by barium, which is this white chalky stuff. And let me tell you, it doesn't taste very good at all. But the cool thing was that I got to see pictures of my belly. So I was able to see my stomach and my esophogus. It looked really cool. Everything looks good from that perspective also. So the next step is the psych eval and if I can ever get a hold of the sleep people. Then hopefully I will ge tmy actual surgery date. I am so excited. I really want this fresh start. I have spent too long living behind this weight. I am ready for the changes I need to make in order to be healthy.

I have found that everyone I have run into is very supportive. And I am very grateful and thankful for this. I will need all the support I can get to get through the first few weeks.

The house is almost all paccked up and my brother is coming up next weekend to help me move. I am hoping to get a few things moved this weekend. At least I can clear up some of the clutter. It is like a maze in the house.

More later...........

Testing

So, tomorrow is my first set of tests for the surgery. I have to have an ultrasound of my abdomen and an upper GI test. Then on May 30th its the psych eval - which is standard for all surgery candidates. I am excited to get the show on the road. In other news, my Aunt Joy figured out my plans from reading my blog. Thanks for reading Aunt Joy. I am ready for this new chapter to begin. I have been unhappy and unhealthy for too long. I know its not going to be an easy road, but I know that the outcome is worth the journey. I am just glad I decided to tell Aunt Pam. Its nice to have the support and know that someone really cares about you. I know the emotional pain is going to be great for that side of the family and I wish there was some way to ease that pain. All I know is that I feel very calm and comfortable with the decision. I know that God and everyone else up in heaven will be watching over me that day.

Well I need to get back to my paper. Until next time........

The BIG Reveal

So I didn't things could get any worse this week with all of the rain but I was wrong. I went to my aunt's this weekend for my cousin's birthday. I had contemplated all week whether or not to tell her about the surgery. I was afraid of her reaction. I mean I know that she would be reasonable and understand that we are no where things were 30 years ago when my father decided to have a similar experimental surgery. However, she took it better than I thought. We had gone out for dinner and drinks after my eventful day. I decided after 2 margaritas (a.k.a liquid courage) to drop the bomb. She initially thought I was going to tell her that I was moving back to Florida. Nope!!! Anyways we discussed the entire procedure and my decision. She is supportive although emotionally apprehensive, which is understandable. She told me she would have been very upset with me if I wouldn't have told her before the surgery. Now I have to tell Nana. That one I haven't begun to figure out how to do. I have a week to figure it out. My brother will be told over Memorial Day Weekend while he is here to help me move. So thats all of them. My aunt said she would go with me to the pre-op appointment. I feel better and more supportive. I know this is hard emotionally for all of them because of my father, but I need to be healthly and I know they are all worried about my weight. I am at peace with this decision. It is the same peace I felt when I decided to move to Massachusetts. I know it will be difficult on them, but I pray for strength for them to help them get through the initial pain and know that I am doing this be healthy. I know good things will come after this. So needless to say, this weekend has been very difficult and emotional. I only know that telling Nana will be the most difficult. But I don't have a choice because if I don't tell her, Aunt Pam will. So I will be thinking of ways to tell her. I am not sure there is any way to do it that will ease the emotional pain. But I pray to God that he will give me the strength to tell her and that He gives her the strength to deal with the emotions that come with it. Because I KNOW that I am making the right decision.

Until next time........

The appointment

Perception...I find it funny how we all perceive situations differently. I am taking a class on learning and memory this term. It is very interesting to learn about our memory and how things affect it.

The other day on the Today Show there was an interview with this guy who walked across America from California to New York. His story is amazing and courageous. However, I think it is not much different from most overweight people. His walk was meant to help him lose weight and learn new habits to replace the old bad habits. He has a website and it is very interesting to read through the entries - www.thefatmanwalking.com. If you get a chance, check it out.

In other news, my appointment went well. I still have to the psych portion and in addition, I have to have an upper GI test and a sleep apnea study. After all of that, I will be cleared to have the procedure. It looks like it will be scheduled for August with the possibility of moving the date if someone else's date falls through. I am feeling a sense of relief and I KNOW things will get better after this. I know it isn't going to fix everything (I have to do that work), but it is a start and a BIG help. I just want a fresh start. I want to feel better about myself. I know who I am, but there are people who can't see past the fat. I just want to be healthy and I am taking the steps necessary to do that.

Well I am going to finish watching ER....until next time......