I have been meaning to sit down and write for the past
couple of days. However, I just haven’t been able to find the time. Although
that is not completely true. I can find the time to surf the net or play my
stupid games. I find the time to sit and watch a movie with the family. I find
the time to play with my little ones. So, I would have to change that to I have
been avoiding it.
I have written this blog in my head about 20 different
ways. I just go blank when I sit down to type it out. But here goes…
Father’s Day – A day that I always wished would somehow
disappear. It was a reminder to me of what was gone, what I missed out on. It
took me awhile to reframe how I was looking at the situation. While it still
makes my heart ache that my father never was able to see me grow up, walk me
down the aisle, or will never hold his grandchildren, I know that he is with me
and sees all.
As a therapist, I know that grief is sloppy and there are
instructions of how it works. From experience, I know that grief can be like a
ninja and sometimes just attack when you least expect it. This was what I experienced on Sunday.
For reasons that are still not clear, I was on the verge
of tears all day. I decided I needed to go for a drive when Jillian went down
for her nap. To give David some quiet time, I took Gage with me. On the drive,
Reba McEntire’s song “The Greatest Man I Never Knew” came on. That was
it….water works time.
I was (and still
am) sad that my children will never have experiences the grandfather that I was
so lucky to experience. Both of my grandfathers were amazing people. Grandpa
Robinson would take us to the corner store and buy us candy. Then he would
piggy back carry us to the car and say to me “Who’s gonna carry Carrie”. I
hated it then, but would love to hear it one more time. Gramps (Hooks) would
sit and tell us stories. Since I love history, this was great for me. I am so
glad he did because I now have those stories locked in my memory to tell my
kids.
My point to all of this is that my children don’t have
this chance to make these memories. I can’t bring my dad back...if I could I
would in a heartbeat. So on that drive, I made a promise to myself. Grief will
come and I will let it. However, I will keep it on a leash. If it has to be
around, it will be on my terms. Yes, it
may still sneak up on me when I least expect it and that is ok. I realize that
we never really “move on” and that time really doesn’t make it better. It just
becomes more bearable. We learn how to “leash” our grief.
I will help create
memories for my children. They won’t be like my memories and that’s ok because
it is their life and their experiences. I know that they will cherish those
memories just as I cherish all of my memories from childhood.
Until next time…
